You Won’t Believe What Hillary’s New Campaign Strategy Is!

After Marco Rubio announced his presidential candidacy yesterday, the Clinton Campaign has grown increasingly wary of his youthful face and its potential to win over millennial voters. In an attempt to reach this crucial demographic, Hillary Clinton has reformed her campaign strategy to include one of the most influential methods of capturing the attention of these flighty young adults—clickbait. The Kumquat has compiled a list of some of her recently released material.

“How To Create 2,000,000 Jobs (and Look Like You’re Not Even Trying)!”

“How To Create 2,000,000 Jobs (and Look Like You’re Not Even Trying)!”

“Hold The Phone!! What Kind of Invasion of Privacy Happened Now?!”

“Hold The Phone!! What Kind of Invasion of Privacy Happened Now?!”

8 Totally Wild Health Care Reform Hacks You’ve Never Heard Of!”

8 Totally Wild Health Care Reform Hacks You’ve Never Heard Of!”

“Inspiring! This Video Will Show That You Actually Never Understood The Complexities Of The Arab Spring!”

“Inspiring! This Video Will Show That You Actually Never Understood The Complexities Of The Arab Spring!”

Presidential Candidacy? You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next! (World Domination)”

Presidential Candidacy? You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next! (World Domination)”

5 Marvels Of The Ancient World That Look Much Better With A Group of Girls Taking A Jumping Picture In Front Of Them

1. Stonehenge

Stonehenge is one of the greatest mysteries of the ancient world. How did those rocks get here? Who brought them here and why? These questions stump archaeologists even to this day.

Stonehenge is one of the greatest mysteries of the ancient world. How did those rocks get here? Who brought them here and why? These questions stump archaeologists even to this day.

Woah! This just got a whole lot less boring. The real mystery is how Chelsea got so high off the ground! Look at her! Sure looks like they had fun.

Woah! This just got a whole lot less boring. The real mystery is how Chelsea got so high off the ground! Look at her! Sure looks like they had fun.

2. The Great Wall of China

Spanning about 5,500 miles with an average height of 25 meters, the Great Wall of China is truly remarkable. The most recognizable part of it took the better part of 100 years to build, but many sections took centuries. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, died building this wall.

Spanning about 5,500 miles with an average height of 25 meters, the Great Wall of China is truly remarkable. The most recognizable part of it took the better part of 100 years to build, but many sections took centuries. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, died building this wall.

Ahh, I love this! These girls are having a great time in China and you can tell. I can’t believe how good Marisa looks even though she is jumping.

Ahh, I love this! These girls are having a great time in China and you can tell. I can’t believe how good Marisa looks even though she is jumping.

3. Machu Picchu

Machu Picchu is an unbelievable sight, built by the last of the Incan empire. Because its inhabitants mysteriously disappeared it was never discovered by the Spanish, leaving this wonder in peaceful solitude until it was discovered in the early 20th century. Simply marvelous.

Machu Picchu is an unbelievable sight, built by the last of the Incan empire. Because its inhabitants mysteriously disappeared it was never discovered by the Spanish, leaving this wonder in peaceful solitude until it was discovered in the early 20th century. Simply marvelous.

Wow, and can I just say, wow? These brave girls went all the way to Peru—just look at this picture! They really timed it perfectly. You can see that Becky is just a little lower than everyone else but in my opinion that gives the picture a lot more dimension. Be careful girls and have fun!

Wow, and can I just say, wow? These brave girls went all the way to Peru—just look at this picture! They really timed it perfectly. You can see that Becky is just a little lower than everyone else but in my opinion that gives the picture a lot more dimension. Be careful girls and have fun!

4. The Pyramids

The pyramids are okay. I think some pharaoh built them, not sure.

The pyramids are okay. I think some pharaoh built them, not sure.

Yes! This is everything. Look at the lighting, the composition, the separation of the foreground from background. It’s majestic and it’s daring. How absolutely brilliant.

Yes! This is everything. Look at the lighting, the composition, the separation of the foreground from background. It’s majestic and it’s daring. How absolutely brilliant.

5. The Taj Mahal

To be perfectly honest I’m not sure exactly what this is. It looks Russian. It’s in a lot of movies.

To be perfectly honest I’m not sure exactly what this is. It looks Russian. It’s in a lot of movies.

Can I have your life please? Jealousy is the only word. Please, please, please, make this your cover photo. Oh my God, I love this. You guys could all be models, seriously. Hell, you could be in the WNBA, look how high off the ground you are! Next time just come closer to the camera so I can see more of YOU and less of whatever that shit is in the background.

Can I have your life please? Jealousy is the only word. Please, please, please, make this your cover photo. Oh my God, I love this. You guys could all be models, seriously. Hell, you could be in the WNBA, look how high off the ground you are! Next time just come closer to the camera so I can see more of YOU and less of whatever that shit is in the background.

Breaking: Student In Sadler Hall Tested Positive For The Cold

The Kumquat has confirmed that a student in Sadler Hall, who had been showing symptoms of the cold, was just diagnosed with the cold.

He was seen Friday night walking around without a jacket, which according to the CDC, increases your risk of getting the cold. After a few sleepless nights of sniffling, he sneezed multiple times in WRT 201. There are contradicting accounts of whether or not the projectile snot landed safely on his sleeve.

According to a Syracuse University Health Services report, the student has been in contact with at least 47 other students since contracting the cold — all of which are currently under careful observation.

The Kumquat will continue providing hourly coverage of this active cold outbreak. In the mean time, our experts recommend avoiding students who appear to be sniffling or coughing. “Please panic,” one SU health official said. “Remaining calm is futile.”

Straight Male Finally Comes Out: “Baseball Sucks”

The Gallagher household was shaken this past Tuesday when their eldest son, Brett Gallagher, brought a perfectly fine dinner conversation to a screeching halt by revealing his long-suppressed feelings about the sport of baseball.

His father, Joseph Gallagher, recounted the scene: “It came after the potato salad. He gently placed his silverware down, looked up, and in a choked whisper said, ‘Honestly…baseball kind of sucks.’” Other guests at the dinner table reported that after fifteen seconds of smothering silence, Gallagher cleared his throat and continued, “Mom, Dad, I don’t like baseball. It sucks. And I’m sick of pretending I do.”

His mother, when reached for comment, said, “I don’t where we went wrong. His Bar Mitzvah was baseball themed. His bedspread had baseballs on it. He had The Sandlot on VHS. We were doing all the right things.”

Gallagher claims that he’s always felt this way, even from an early age. “I remember the first time my dad brought me to t-ball practice, and I couldn’t help but think about how boring it was. All of the boys seemed to love it but me. I knew I was different. I tried to cover it up, I tried to get into the Yankees, I even bought a Jeter jersey, but once I reached high school, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It was time to step forward and embrace who I really am,” said Gallagher.

Despite Gallagher’s worries that his friends and family would not accept him after revealing his true nature, his ex-JV baseball team stands in solidarity with him. “It doesn’t change the way I see him at all. It’s not like he had a choice…you can’t blame someone for the way they were born,” explains Chad Baker, shortstop. “It’ll take some getting used to, but Brett’s a good guy. I actually have an uncle who thinks baseball sucks too. In this day and age, you just can’t be ignorant about this stuff.”

Gallagher hopes to lead by example and advocate for others like him who are suffering from the same internal conflict.  His goal is to encourage them to be strong, pursue other interests, and know that, “It’s okay to hate baseball, because baseball blows.”

6 Catcalls That Actually Work

Are you self-conscious when you scream at women? Not getting the reaction you think you deserve? It’s not you — it’s probably your catcalls! Here are 6 catcalls that will definitely get the ladies to fall to their knees…begging to be your next girlfriend!

1.  “How you doing?!”

Nothing screams boyfriend material like taking time out of your busy day of drinking beer on your porch to ask a female passerby about her day. Ladies find this display of sensitivity refreshing, and understand you have absolutely no ulterior motives. 

2. “Take off your shirt! I wanna see your tits!”

For modern women, being told what to do and when to do it is like a little vacation from days full of work and responsibilities. It shows that you’re a go-getter with leadership qualities, and your lady will find herself imagining how those traits will one day translate to a career.

3. “Yo, which one of you bitches wants to suck my dick?!”

Works best in groups! This one plays up on girls’ naturally competitive nature. Who will receive the pleasure of your unwashed genitals in her mouth? They’ll fight for it, and if they all stick around, this catcall creates the opportunity for a killer threesome or even an orgy. 

4. “Hey girl, I’d fuck you!”

Ladies love a confident man, and being really straight forward helps bolster their devastatingly low self-esteem. 

5.  “Nice ass, I’m going to plow you in the asshole tonight!” 

Notice how this one gets straight to the point? What a winning combination of a compliment and a specific action. Being upfront is doing this lucky lady a huge (or most likely smaller-average-sized) favor.

6. “Dearest, I respect you as a fellow human being, and see you as an independent, complex person with expectations, hopes, and struggles that I can never hope to understand from a chance encounter on the street.”

Nah, this one’s gay. 

12 Things that Actually Happened

1. The Apollo 11 Moon Landing in 1969

2. When Ashley lost her phone at the Theta Chi party and then
found it later

3. The abolition of slavery in the United States in 1865

4. When Kathi flipped out on the Starbucks barista for spelling her
name wrong

5. Barack Obama became the first African American President in
2008

6. When Joey was so high, he ate a whole box of insomnia cookies
and still had room for Easy Mac when we got back to Flint

7. America’s Independence from Great Britain in 1776

8. When Beth made it up the mount stairs after she blacked out at
that crazy party on Euclid

9. The passing of the Clean Air and Water Acts during the Nixon
Administration

10. When Dillon finished his WRT 105 paper one second before his
Adderall binge ended

11. The invention of the printing press in 1450 by Johannes
Gutenberg

 

12. When Eric managed to snag a booth in Food.com even though it
was sooo crowded, how did you do that Eric?!

This Naked Model Going on a Racist Tirade is Scary and Hot at the Same Time — WARNING: NSFW

We caught you, you weirdo. Why do you actually want to see this? Your boss told us he’s been having problems with you. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself: 

  1. Are you at work right now? 
  2. Does this content not pertain directly to what you are doing at work? 
  3. Is it the third time in a row you’re getting in trouble for looking at online content when you should’ve been doing your work?
  4. What makes you think any content is more NSFW than other content?
  5. Is this content hazardous or toxic and may harm those around you?
  6. Does this content follow Sharia Law and own chemical weapons?
  7. Is this content living in asylum in Russia?
  8. Is this content trying to make you kill your loved ones?
  9. Is this content forcibly ramming an object into your anus?
  10. Do you love your job?
  11. Do you go home after a day at “work”, look at yourself in the mirror, and wonder where all the time went?
  12. Does your wife have trouble still finding you sexually desirable?
  13. Are you ignored at family parties?
  14. Are you jealous of your more successful brother who has a real job where he doesn’t read listicles all day?
  15. Is this content making you remember all the bad choices you made in life? 
  16. Did you click on this hoping you’d see some female nudity?
  17. Are you still upset that this link doesn’t contain a naked model going on a racist tirade?
  18. Did you click on this because you need to consume idiotic online content to fill the gaping hole inside your heart?

If you got to the bottom of this list, you really need help. And you’re fired. 

Sorry.