Baby Monitors Not Just For Babies: The Top 3 People Who Are Also Fun To Listen To While They Sleep!

Mothers use them to care for their tiny tots, but mindless infants can’t provide the entertainment that these colorful characters can!

1. Stepbrother Kevin
He just moved in to the room right next to yours. Not sure of his motivations or intent? Feel like he’s planning to kill you and take your place in your dad’s heart? A baby monitor will let your mind be at ease, while also allowing you to enjoy his superior taste in music!

2. My Freshman Year Roommate
At first, her quirky habit of gnashing her teeth in her sleep annoyed me. I could practically hear her bones being ground to powder all night. I got used to it soon enough, but then I started to actively enjoy it. The rhythmic chomping would lull me to sleep, like a heartbeat would for a puppy. Now, I can’t seem to get a restful night in without it. Recommend 100%!

3. Clint Eastwood
Once a gun-slinging icon, now a decaying sack of bones! No one can really snore quite as much as he can, and if you listen very closely, he will quote some of his iconic films such as Trouble With The Curve (2012) and Honkytonk Man (1982). Once, a dedicated fan even heard him take his four Oscars with him to the bathroom, so the “bed monster wouldn’t take over.” Nice!

8 Fun Crafts To Do This Fall Break That Will Help You Finally Move Past the Disappearance of Your Infant Son

My beautiful infant son James may have gone missing, but I’m here to share with you my favorite fall crafts that are also perfect coping mechanisms!

1. Autumn Leaf Wreath

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Hanging this on your door will welcome autumn to the whole house! If only it was a home and not an empty shell, but decorating for the seasons helps with ‘leaving the past behind,’ as my therapist says.

2. Hand turkeys

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A classic craft for Fall Fun- cute and simple enough for any infant! James would have loved this, painting was his favorite activity. I can reclaim the small simple things, like painting, to normalcy. It will help me build a new life.

3. Pile of Leaves

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Great for a doorstep, and will even cushion the fall of a sweet baby boy, if he could still play and run. But he can’t.

4. Hand Acorns

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James’ small hands would have made perfect little acorns… but I will never see them grow into mighty oaks.

5. Paper plate owl

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Maybe if I hung this festive owl by the crib, I would have remembered to lock the window. Oh god, James, this is all my fault.

6. Hand spiders

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I can sometimes still hear his cry coming from his room… Some days, I can wake up and forget that he was taken away from me, but it all comes rushing back when I go to feed him. I painted his nursery yellow. Yellow is supposed to symbolize security and happiness. Now it just mocks the emptiness in my heart. Every day is a living hell rife with grief and guilt.

7. Leaf pressings

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With a little paint, these leaves make beautiful prints after you press them against the paper, just like I used to press my boy against my heart.

8. Hand pumpkins

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This adorable little gourd just shouts ‘Fall!’

5 Tips to Help You if Your Decorations Come to Life

We’ve all been there: You spend hours carefully decorating your home for that special holiday, making sure each and every knick knack is in the perfect spot, only for your hard work to become ruined after your decorations become alive. It has become rampant this Halloween season. Mobile and conscious décor can wreak absolute havoc on a household! Should this happen to you, here are some tips that will help you out:

1. Use some cowboy techniques to get back in control!

If your home adornments get out of hand, wrangle them like a cowboy would! You can herd the more docile pieces into a corral to keep them contained while you tackle the bigger and more aggressive displays with your trusty lasso. If you are a little rusty on lassoing, then you can just challenge the alpha decoration to a duel. They have a great deal of honor so they will take you up on the duel and play by your established rules.

2. Steal a page out of the Pied Piper’s book!

Thankfully, most live décor can be soothed with the power of music. They prefer wind instruments over string instruments, but anything will do if your tune is good enough. Make sure to prance out of your house into the nearest forest while playing your instrument to relocate your decorations. If you do not live near a forest, most sewers will do. Once you get far enough away from your home, place the instrument on the ground and back away slowly. The pests will sure want to examine the instrument, giving you just enough time to ditch them.

3. Go undercover!

Sometimes it is best to do a job from the inside. Wear a silly mask or gaudy wreath on your head to fit in with the decorations. Act just like they do and mirror their actions. Once they forget that you are not one of them, strike. Seize control of the pack by beating the alpha into submission, then recite a moving speech that will inspire the rest into following you. At this point, you have an army of slaves that will do as you command.

4. Rap battle!

One way to defeat the sentient décor is to challenge the aforementioned alpha to a rap battle. This tip is a little riskier because if the alpha realizes that they do not have a voice box or lungs to rap with, they will become offended by your challenge and eat your children (or pets). However, once both of you shake hands to battle, you only need the simplest rhyme to conquer to alpha.

5. Befriend them!

Have you ever stopped to think how cool it is that your decorations are alive? The last strategy is to just ‘roll with it’ and befriend your decorations! Offer the alpha a strand of your hair (this can be from any part of your body) and compliment their color. You will immediately gain their trust and love so be careful with their hearts. A friendship so unique and rare should be treasured. Be compassionate, honest, respectful, and make sure they know you appreciate them. In time you will form an unbreakable bond with your decorations and they will be with you through thick and thin.

7 Sex Positions That Will Certainly Not Work on an XL Twin Bed so Don’t Even Worry About it

1. The Bricklayer

The woman puts her chest on the bed and spreads her legs as much as possible while the man positions himself… okay well… maybe if we just… I don’t think this one is going to work on this XL twin bed. The minimal space does not really lend itself for this kind of thing.

2. The Sinking Titanic

Alright here we go. The woman lies on her back and holds the back of her knees to her chest. The man faces the opposite direction of his partner facing downwards. Now the man enters slowly and… ah jeez. Maybe just turn a little bit? Closer but I’m not sure if… is this it? Does that feel right? Maybe we can try this one later?

3. Reverse Moroccan Nightmare

Oh boy. This one looks tough. The man puts his hands on the ground and lays his torso at a 45 degree angle facing downward. The woman slides her… oh wow. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe if we move the desk next to the bed? No? Just unplug everything in the outlet and put the lamp somewhere. The closet I guess? Somewhere safe. Now move the cup of pens! Oh shit. Don’t worry about it, I will pick them up later. So I guess we… Christ can we just move onto the next one?

4. The Herb Alpert

No. Fuck that. Next?

5. The Stretch Limo

Nope.

6. The 2002 Bobsled Accident

How do you.. where is my…? This is not gonna happen.

7. The St. Louis Crop Duster

Ow! I think I just twisted my ankle! Goddamn it. My ankle hurts like a bitch. I am done. Is there one where I can just lie down the whole time? I will not go to yoga just to have sex. Let’s just finish that episode of Mad Men and call it a night.

Despite the Fact You Never Took a Quiz, You are Kevin from The Office and You Know Why

You got Kevin!

You and Kevin have a lot in common, but there is one particular reason that you are Kevin. If not for that reason, we probably would have given you Stanley or maybe Meredith. Hell, Oscar was a close 4th. But there is that one reason which makes you Kevin. Do not fight us on this. You got what you deserve. We chose not to tell everyone the reason and you are welcome. It does not matter if you think you are a Pam or Jim or Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration. It does not matter if you have never seen The Office. Guess what? You are Kevin. You can accept it, or you can deny it. Still, you are Kevin. You have always been Kevin. You will always be Kevin. Get used to it, Kevin.

5 Gross Habits I Do That I Bet None of You Actually Do

1. Picking the grime out of my fingernails and sprinkling it onto my food for seasoning. 

This is pretty gross but I seriously do this, don’t even act like you do this too.

2. Sneaking into the kitchens of restaurants and licking the excess food off of plates.

There is absolutely NO WAY that you do this so don’t even pretend. Don’t even share this article. You have no idea.

3. Not showering for 2 weeks and then rubbing hand sanitizer all over my dirty spots.

This is disgusting. I even feel gross doing it, but I do it. All the time. I know that you don’t.

4. Spilling condiments on my shirt and sucking them out of the threads.

I don’t care if it’s mustard, ketchup, mayo, or whatever. I do this so I can satisfy my taste buds, AND get the stain right outta my shirt! I’ve never witnessed anybody else do this, so there is absolutely no way that you have. Don’t share this article acting like you have because that would just be lying.

5. Licking the keyboards of computers in public libraries.

I don’t even know why I do this one. I guess it’s just a little quirk I have. And there’s absolutely no fuckin’ way you do this too. Don’t take this from me, okay? This is my thing.

Thanks for reading and please DON’T share unless you want everyone to know you’re a damn liar.

Local Man Says Wonder Woman Was Just “okay”, Gets Stabbed in the Neck with a Hot Topic Pin

SYRACUSE, NY– After watching justice get dished out on the big screen at Destiny USA’s screening of Wonder Woman on Thursday, local film connoisseur Greg Norton had his own personal brand of justice thrust upon him in the form of a feminist gang attack behind the theater’s parking lot. After rumors surfaced that Norton thought the awe-inspiring film was “just ok”, attackers began to pummel the man with a beat-down the Amazing Amazonian would surely be proud of.

“We knew we had to do something”, said longtime female justice warrior Gert Adams, shortly after grabbing her pastel colored rose pin from Hot Topic and stabbing Greg in the neck, “because if this kind of slander becomes acceptable in today’s society, then we are no better than the vile monsters Ms. Woman was so gracefully defeating in the film.” Adams later mentioned that she began to plan the attack with her fellow sisters around the movie’s thirty-minute mark, when Norton casually remarked that lead actress Gal Gadot was really hot.

Finally, after catching Norton glance at his cell phone multiple times during a critical scene and not even attempt to give a standing ovation, the ladies decided they had seen enough. They began to assail in waves, moving in quickly after group leader Becky Pederson clotheslined Norton once he turned the corner into the parking lot. Norton squealed like a stunned cow before a slaughter, but it was too late to stave off the blows of the angry moviegoers, who ironically seemed to be landing strikes with near superhuman strength.

The police department eventually arrived after receiving word of Norton’s distress, and somewhat reluctantly arrested several of the women who participated in the assault, noting that if their roles were reversed, they probably would have whooped his ass too. Before he meekly limped away to his 1993 Toyota Supra, we were able to catch up with the battered man, who simply said he regretted attending the film, and that he’d better cancel his plans to see Reese Witherspoon’s romantic comedy Home Again before his attackers were released.

Crisis: A Barista Handed Me A Drink and Said “Amelia, That’s For You!” With Such Confidence That I’m No Longer Sure Whether My Name Was Ever Erica

Erica Thompkins, SU Sophomore.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I like to stop by a local coffee shop to grab a triple ristretto upside-down soy salted caramel latte-macchiato before my 8am lecture. It’s always packed, and they never get my name right. Usually it’s just “Erika” instead of “Erica,” but when the barista handed out my signature drink (complete with a design in the foam) and belted out “Amelia, that’s for you!” with Earth-shaking confidence and authority, I was certain I was the one who was mistaken all these years, and my name had always been Amelia.

Of course, after I came to my senses, I called my parents to ask them what they named me, but they must not have been home at the time, or perhaps they aren’t my parents but the parents of someone I once knew named “Erica.” If you know me, please reach out to me and help me figure this out.

Amelia Thompkins is a Sophomore Warehouse Lighting Design Major. She was interviewed by The Kumquat on September 20th, 2017.

Top 5 Songs About How X Gon Give It To Ya

Hey Kumsters! You asked for it and we’re “gon’ give it to ya” – a definitive ranking of the top five songs about how X Gon’ Give It To Ya!

5.) Despacito – Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee

Most people don’t know this, but the song of the summer is, in fact, about how X gon’ give it to ya! This record-breaking tune has found its way into households worldwide and spread the message that X is definitely gon’ give it to ya. If you didn’t notice the meaning of the song at first, you’re not alone! In fact, the Spanish term “X-pacito” was incorrectly translated to “Despacito” – but still, the message that X gon give it to ya lives on!

4.) Concerto No. X – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Dating back to 1776, Mozart’s tenth concerto is the first song ever confirmed to be about how X gon’ give it to ya. There is, of course, speculation that Neanderthals used the world’s first instruments to communicate to each other that X gon’ give it to ya, but we have no way of knowing for sure. This piece serves as the inspiration behind Mozart’s iconic line from the movie Amadeus, “X gon’ give it to ya! And do the crazy frog!”

3.) Ex’s and Oh’s – The Kidz Bop Kids

The casual listener might think Elle King’s 2015 smash hit is about the orgasms that only an ex-boyfriend’s throbbing member can give. However, in this version, the innocent and youthful voices of the Kidz Bop Kids make it very clear that that titular “Ex” is actually X and the “Oh’s,” of course, mean “Gon’ Give It To Ya.”

2.) X Gon’ Give It To Ya – DMX

Of all the songs about how X gon’ give it to ya, this one is indisputably the most direct. Modern poet DMX mentions that X gon’ give it to ya so many times it borders on comical – but who would write an extensive piece where the only joke is saying “X gon’ give it to ya” a bunch of times? Talk about dumb. Don’t forget the legendary intro to this song, where DMX raps, “Hi I’m X and I’m here to say, I’m gon’ give it to ya in a major way!” Who’s gon’ give it to ya? X is. Don’t forget it.

1.) The Alphabet Song

Was there ever really any doubt that this would be number one? This is the very first song every child learns and, of course, it’s about how X gon’ give it to ya (since “Y” means “it” and “Z” means “ya”). Its infectious melody and educational benefit shoot this classic tune right to the top of this list. X, whatever you’re giving, give it to us next! See you next time Kumsters, when we’ll rank the top 1000 songs about the boys being back in town!

You Won’t Believe What Hillary’s New Campaign Strategy Is!

After Marco Rubio announced his presidential candidacy yesterday, the Clinton Campaign has grown increasingly wary of his youthful face and its potential to win over millennial voters. In an attempt to reach this crucial demographic, Hillary Clinton has reformed her campaign strategy to include one of the most influential methods of capturing the attention of these flighty young adults—clickbait. The Kumquat has compiled a list of some of her recently released material.

“How To Create 2,000,000 Jobs (and Look Like You’re Not Even Trying)!”

“How To Create 2,000,000 Jobs (and Look Like You’re Not Even Trying)!”

“Hold The Phone!! What Kind of Invasion of Privacy Happened Now?!”

“Hold The Phone!! What Kind of Invasion of Privacy Happened Now?!”

8 Totally Wild Health Care Reform Hacks You’ve Never Heard Of!”

8 Totally Wild Health Care Reform Hacks You’ve Never Heard Of!”

“Inspiring! This Video Will Show That You Actually Never Understood The Complexities Of The Arab Spring!”

“Inspiring! This Video Will Show That You Actually Never Understood The Complexities Of The Arab Spring!”

Presidential Candidacy? You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next! (World Domination)”

Presidential Candidacy? You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next! (World Domination)”

Breaking: Student In Sadler Hall Tested Positive For The Cold

The Kumquat has confirmed that a student in Sadler Hall, who had been showing symptoms of the cold, was just diagnosed with the cold.

He was seen Friday night walking around without a jacket, which according to the CDC, increases your risk of getting the cold. After a few sleepless nights of sniffling, he sneezed multiple times in WRT 201. There are contradicting accounts of whether or not the projectile snot landed safely on his sleeve.

According to a Syracuse University Health Services report, the student has been in contact with at least 47 other students since contracting the cold — all of which are currently under careful observation.

The Kumquat will continue providing hourly coverage of this active cold outbreak. In the mean time, our experts recommend avoiding students who appear to be sniffling or coughing. “Please panic,” one SU health official said. “Remaining calm is futile.”