The Russian tabloid Us vs Them Weekly has finally revealed the name of Vladamir Putin’s lover: a bear named Boris.
The Russian president and Boris the bear were spotted foraging in a countryside outside of Moscow. Putin reportedly met Boris the bear, father of two, while taking one of his totally straight shirtless horse rides through the expansive Russian wilderness. The two have been inseparable since. Outside sources have confirmed Putin has been spending nights at Boris’s cave, where the two knock down bee hives together and take long unicycle rides through the city.
When reached for comment Putin told reporters, “We’re very happy. Isn’t that right, honey?” His comment was greeted with great excitement by Boris.
Although Putin has claimed there are no gay people in Russia, a country of thousands of potential male figure skaters, he clarified at a press conference this morning his affair with Boris is different. Although they both have penises, Boris is a bear.
“It’s not gay if it is man and bear. In fact, it’s the most manly thing in the world. Now if you’ll excuse us we have to eat our fill before the long winter and watch Rent,” Putin said.
This is not the first instance in Russian history of a man/bear relationship. Previous ruler Nikita Khrushchev’s first lady was a bear known for setting off a renewed interest in furs throughout Russia. Putin said his relationship is a continuation of a long Russian tradition of dating bears and making the distinction between true human love and the love between a man and an animal that creates a natural butt plug every winter.