5 Reasons Why Ethan Isn’t Inviting Jakob R To His Birthday Party At Medieval Times, Ranked By Sociopolitical Expediency

As everyone knows, the social pecking order at Millard Fillmore Middle School has been completely up-heaved by Ryan Johnstone moving with his mom out to Tempe. He had already started puberty, which means he was obviously the straw that stirred the drink in the social hierarchy. With his absence, former best friends Ethan and Jakob R are set to duke it out for the top spot on the food chain. Because of that, here’s why I’d bet my life on Ethan not inviting Jakob R to his birthday party at Medieval Times, in a list ordered in increasing political sense for Ethan.

5: Ethan Knows Jakob R Is Afraid Of People In Costumes

This is the idealist in me meekly poking its head out. These two kids are best friends, after all. There’s a part of me that wants to think Ethan isn’t inviting Jakob R because he remembers what happened when the two of them went to Sesame Place and Jakob R left hysterically crying after 20 minutes because he couldn’t wrap his head around seeing Grover smoke a Marlboro Red without his headpiece on. However, there’s a much larger part of me that thinks Ethan will invite Jakob R for this specific reason. Not only does it give him plausible deniability about playing the game of middle school politics, but when Ethan waits to go home and freak out about the costumes instead of doing it in front of everyone else like Jakob R inevitably will, he’ll be crying as the coolest kid in the grade.

4: Jessie Is Going To Be There

Ah, Jessie Lawrence: the belle of the Millard Fillmore ball. Ever since Ethan and Jakob R got paired with her for the balloon car project in science, they’ve been competing over her. If Ethan did the mile for the national fitness test in 9 minutes, Jakob R did it in 8:59. If Jakob R read 4 books for the weekly reading log, Ethan read 5. There’s something about Jessie and her complete lack of interest in them that makes Ethan and Jakob R go absolutely hogwild. Personally, Jessie doesn’t do it for me, but that’s because my girlfriend is so much hotter. She was actually going to come with me to Ethan’s party, but then she broke both of her ankles at the same time. That’s a thing people do, right? Anyway, Ethan wants some alone time with Jessie, and Jakob R stands in the way of that.

3: Jesse Is Going To Be There

In an arrival that’s frustrated the MFMS teachers that already had Jessie Lawrence in their classes to no end, Jesse Laurent moved to town a month into the school year, and he’s a rising star on the scene. He’s like half Swiss or something, which is automatically a big plus. He also has been to Medieval Times before with his friends from his old school. I might not like Ethan very much, but I’ll at least admit he’s not a simpleton. Having the hottest prospect to come through this school in years at your party would be a big enough statement of intent. But the fact that this kid has seen one of these jousts before and can tell everybody else what’s coming next? Game over. Jesse is a lock to get an invite. With that in mind, Ethan can’t let Jakob R try to steal Jesse away during this party while Ethan goes and talks with his aunt and uncle that came in from Santa Fe, there’s just too much risk.

2: Their Moms Are In Some Sort Of Carpooling Argument

Alright, I’ll admit the details are a little murky for me on this one. Here’s what I’ve been able to suss out about it.

Apparently, Jakob R’s mom was supposed to drive the two of them to baseball practice last week, but she had to renege at the last second because her book club convened for an emergency meeting. In her place, she got taller Daniel’s mom to drive Ethan, Jakob R, taller Daniel, and shorter Daniel. As pretty much everybody knows, taller Daniel’s mom is both very aggressive on the brakes and absolutely abominable with directions. As a result, Jakob R got home 25 minutes later than normal and missed grace at family dinner, which is a big no-no over there.

Now, from this situation, I would think it makes more sense for taller Daniel to not get invited to Medieval Times. However, I have it on good authority that Ethan’s mom is royally pissed at Jakob R’s mom, and because of that Jakob R isn’t coming. Evidently Mrs. Ethan’s mom is making some power moves of her own in the Millard Fillmore house of cards.

1: Ethan Knows That Jakob R Knows That Ethan Knows That Jakob R Knows About What Happened At Jakob R’s Last Birthday Party

Gather round, folks: this is an exclusive bombshell I’m about to drop. For the last 9 months, there have been persistent rumors about what happened at Jakob R’s birthday party in his backyard. All anyone knows is that Ethan, despite hyping up this party to anybody and everybody for weeks until the day itself, didn’t show up. He didn’t tell anybody why, nobody addressed it there, he was just never present. Or at least that’s what we thought.

I have it on good authority that Ethan was in fact at the party. Not only that, he was integral in the setup of the piñata that proved to be a smash hit. He left early because he had a euphonium concert. That’s right, a euphonium concert. Ethan couldn’t even be bothered to play a cool instrument like the saxophone. He had to drag his parents out to some specialty music shop and pick out a custom euphonium, because he’s seemingly too good to even pick the tuba, which is overwhelmingly similar to the euphonium.

Naturally, Ethan couldn’t let it get out that he plays this secret instrument; nobody gunning for the top spot on the ladder could survive with that sort of dirt on them. Despite the fact that Jakob R is his best friend, I guarantee Ethan isn’t willing to take the risk that Jakob R is going to protect that pivotal information.

The party is next week and the invitation list is set to percolate its way through the Millard Fillmore rumor mill tomorrow. Take it from me, everybody: bet your house on Jakob R not being on it.