Something’s changed in the last ten days or so in the Millard Fillmore elementary school cafeteria during fifth period lunch. Brenden, who used to regale us all with his tales of his family’s ski vacation they took to Vermont when he was in fourth grade, has been sitting with English teacher and Miss Hudson during lunch while everyone else has been discussing my sick goal in handball a few days ago in gym. Here are a few reasons why I think he’s off at a different table.
5: Food Allergies
This one seems too obvious, I almost feel immediately inclined to discount it. Everyone remembers those weird hypoallergenic cookie replacements Brenden’s mom brought in for his birthday a few months ago, so the popular chatter is that he has to sit at a special table so he doesn’t get contaminated or whatever. However, because I’m not a senseless dolt like everyone in this school except for maybe Kevin Ramirez in 8th grade who’s already taking high school math, I’ve been investigating how this doesn’t add up. If he had these allergies, why has it taken Brenden so long to switch tables? He always tells us about his health stuff, even when it’s really weird. For example, he stopped our recess football game about a month ago because his “Osgood Schlatter disease was getting to him real bad,” when none of us even knew he had Osgood Schlatter. If he made a point to tell us that, he would have made a point to tell us about any increased food allergy sensitivity. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s only allergic to like the dye in certain Nabisco products, and the vending machine stopped selling all of that in favor of those weird pop chips 2 weeks ago. There’s no way this is just a food based thing.
4: He’s Still In Trouble For Writing “Miss Hudson Is A Thottie” On The Whiteboard
This one was a classic Brenden overreaction. We have English right before lunch and about three weeks ago we had a really difficult test on The Outsiders that a lot of people weren’t ready for. A week later we got the grades back and even more people were unhappy with Miss Hudson’s grading system. She refused to give partial credit, even on the short answer portion of the test. That meant that even if you got 99 percent of the question right, you were screwed if you missed even one little detail. Brenden missed one little detail. He said that Johnny was the one who first spat at the Socs instead of Ponyboy before the stabbing, like a moron. I remembered that detail and got a 96 on this test, which was the highest score in the grade. Anyway, Brenden got like a 76 and came back in during recess to write “Miss Hudson is a thottie” and he got caught actually maybe seven minutes later by Ernest the janitor running away and crying.
3: He Has A Big Crush On Miss Hudson
I’ll be real with you: Miss Hudson is kind of a baddie. She’s not as hot as my girlfriend, who’s actually redonkulously hot. I’m not allowed to take any pictures of her whenever we’re together because she gets really self conscious so I can’t show you what she looks like or of the two of us at the same place at the same time but trust me she’s so hot. Back to the original point; Brenden is notoriously bad with girls so it makes sense that he’d sorta get his signals crossed mentally and write what he did on the board. Maybe, because he’s quite possibly the biggest idiot in our class, he thinks he can cozy up to Miss Hudson after getting negative attention and make her fall in love with him. Dunce.
2: Brenden’s Been Having A Tough Time Socializing Since His Parents Got Divorced
This one is where I’m making a lot of assumptions but I think it just might be true. He started seeing Dr. Phan in the mental health room near the office a few times a week a few weeks ago to try to talk through everything he’s going through which totally makes sense. There’ve been times where someone will ask him a really simple question, like they’ll ask him where the pencil sharpener is or something like that, and he just sorta stands there. He doesn’t yell or anything, and he certainly doesn’t tell you where the pencil sharpener is, he just sorta stands there. The first time this sort of thing happened it went on for like 90 seconds before someone noticed and they got him to I think the nurse’s office. Now it’s been happening a lot less frequently, but maybe the teachers decided he shouldn’t be around other kids in case it happens again.
1: Brenden Doesn’t Have The Balls To Face Aidan After Their Incident At The Rec Basketball Finals
This one seems like a real slam dunk to me, pun intended. Brenden was the starting point guard for the Wildcats in Monday’s town rec league finals, and Aidan really only plays as backup center on the other team because his dad coaches, otherwise he wouldn’t get minutes. Anyway, Brenden came around a pick from Rohan late in the game and was driving to the basket and Aidan absolutely clobbered him. Aidan’s a big kid too so he put a lot of oomph into it. Brendan went flying towards the hardwood and started screaming before he even hit the ground, he couldn’t keep playing anymore after how bad he was hurt. Aidan definitely meant to do it but he pretended to check on Brenden as he was on the ground and “tried” helping him up but Brenden tried to spit on him and one of his teeth came out instead. For both of their sakes’, it’s probably better if Brenden just sits with Miss Hudson until their moms set something up to talk this out at one of their houses.