5 Surefire Ways To Get Out Of Having To Dance With Your Family Friend At The Upcoming Snowflake Ball

Assuming you’re not totally out of the loop, you know Friday night is the premier event of the winter trimester here at Millard Fillmore Middle School: The Snowflake Ball. Nobody really asked to be anyone else’s date for this event, but everyone knows that when push comes to shove, the slow dance is where the wheat separates itself from the chaff in the social hierarchy. So that you don’t come out of this dance looking like a sack of garbage, here are some ideas for how to not be stuck dancing with your friend Amanda from pre-school when the big moment arrives.

5: Sneak Into The Bathroom

Ever since that stomach bug went around after Martin Feinberg’s bar mitzvah for all the 7th and 8th graders, all of us 6th graders have been freaking out about some sort of trickle down issues coming our way. I absolutely guarantee that if you bribed Hassan the DJ like $10 he’d tell you when the slow song is coming up. So that you don’t draw too much attention to yourself, leave a song or two ahead of the slow song and try not to tell anybody where you go. This strategy very much falls along the “Ask not for permission, instead ask for forgiveness” approach of doing things, as it banks upon Amanda wondering whether you’re ok when you tell her you were in the bathroom instead of being angry that she left. Sure, you might have to deal with a lot of questions about what you did in the bathroom and if you’re actually gonna make everyone else get sick, but that’s worth dealing with in exchange for not having to deal with Amanda’s clammy hands.

4: Punch Tanner

Everyone knows Tanner is the whipping boy of Millard Fillmore Middle School. Kevin Fung had to deal with it two years ago, and last year it was Kevin Schott, but Tanner Popsarelli just goes through the wringer every single goddamned day of the year. The “Poopsarelli” jokes, the getting thrown in the lockers, the soiling himself before making his speech in the class treasurer debate, the child simply invites ridicule with everything he says or does. If this is the path you choose to go down, you need to get fully into Tanner watch mode. That means you have to watch him try to grind on Kimmy Delmonico, that means you have to watch him spill fruit punch near his crotch, and that means you have to watch him try to explain that he pissed blood instead of spilling on himself and that’s why the stain is vaguely red. I more or less think that the chaperones would give you a free pass if you socked him in the mouth, Amanda might too.

3: Ask Serena

Serena Frings, the apple of everyone’s eye. Her blonde hair, her hazel eyes, everything about her makes me scream “AH-WOOO-GUH” until I get asked to leave the dance. Actually, on that note, I’m not even gonna be at this dance. My girlfriend, who goes to a private school that’s so prestigious I’m not even allowed to tell you the name or where it is, has her dance this weekend at her school, so I’m gonna go there. We might even get to second base. Yeah, I said it, second base. There’s absolutely no shot you’ll get there with Serena or Amanda because they’re not as cool as my girlfriend is, but you gotta think about optics kid. Serena is on the fast track to be the premier slow dance attraction for bar mitzvah season, and everyone knows the Snowflake ball is pretty much a glorified bar mitzvah tuneup. Grow a pair and ask her. What’s the worst that could go wrong? She humiliates you in front of the entire auditorium and Amanda refuses to speak to you which leads to holiday dinners being awkward because your families always used to have them together and now she refuses to even be in the same as room? Maybe. But it’d be funny.

2: Tell Amanda You Love Her

Deep in your heart you know this to be true. Think about all the other things in your life you currently love: the Red Wings, when they cater lunch on a field trip, your Skullcandy over-ear headphones, I could go on and on. You know you always have loved and always will love these things, so it’s a safe bet to think you’ll feel the same way about Amanda. She’s a nice person, to be fair; she helped you with your acrostic poem on Ancient Greece even after you accidentally-on-purpose hip-checked her while sprinting down the stairs to get to the bus. Also, think about how easy it would be to just spend this time with her for just one slow dance. Trust yourself that you’ll finagle a different person to dance with for all the parties next year. Realistically, this is the strategically and morally correct thing to do. But you’re not gonna do this. You’re an idiot. Here’s what you’re gonna do instead.

1: Try To Bring Back The Harlem Shake

This one’s a sure thing, take it to the bank. If you time this one right, there’s absolutely no way you have to slow dance with Amanda. Again, this plan is contingent upon you bribing Hassan so that you know when the slow song is coming. Then, it’s on you to rally the troops. Get Erik, get Eric, get Erick, get everyone. In case nobody told you what the Harlem Shake is, it’s this thing from when we were in like 1st grade where somebody would play this song and at the drop everybody goes absolutely bonkers. Everyone gets dressed up in these really weird costumes and we can make this thing go viral on Youtube or TikTok. If there’s one thing everybody loves, it’s reviving an old viral video that went stale quickly the first time around. Again, you’re gonna make Amanda angry on this one, but that’s alright. Emotional fulfillment and moral uprightness are temporary. Viral fame is forever.

The 5 Likeliest Explanations For Why Brenden Sits With Miss Hudson At Lunch

Something’s changed in the last ten days or so in the Millard Fillmore elementary school cafeteria during fifth period lunch. Brenden, who used to regale us all with his tales of his family’s ski vacation they took to Vermont when he was in fourth grade, has been sitting with English teacher and Miss Hudson during lunch while everyone else has been discussing my sick goal in handball a few days ago in gym. Here are a few reasons why I think he’s off at a different table.

5: Food Allergies

This one seems too obvious, I almost feel immediately inclined to discount it. Everyone remembers those weird hypoallergenic cookie replacements Brenden’s mom brought in for his birthday a few months ago, so the popular chatter is that he has to sit at a special table so he doesn’t get contaminated or whatever. However, because I’m not a senseless dolt like everyone in this school except for maybe Kevin Ramirez in 8th grade who’s already taking high school math, I’ve been investigating how this doesn’t add up. If he had these allergies, why has it taken Brenden so long to switch tables? He always tells us about his health stuff, even when it’s really weird. For example, he stopped our recess football game about a month ago because his “Osgood Schlatter disease was getting to him real bad,” when none of us even knew he had Osgood Schlatter. If he made a point to tell us that, he would have made a point to tell us about any increased food allergy sensitivity. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s only allergic to like the dye in certain Nabisco products, and the vending machine stopped selling all of that in favor of those weird pop chips 2 weeks ago. There’s no way this is just a food based thing.

4: He’s Still In Trouble For Writing “Miss Hudson Is A Thottie” On The Whiteboard

This one was a classic Brenden overreaction. We have English right before lunch and about three weeks ago we had a really difficult test on The Outsiders that a lot of people weren’t ready for. A week later we got the grades back and even more people were unhappy with Miss Hudson’s grading system. She refused to give partial credit, even on the short answer portion of the test. That meant that even if you got 99 percent of the question right, you were screwed if you missed even one little detail. Brenden missed one little detail. He said that Johnny was the one who first spat at the Socs instead of Ponyboy before the stabbing, like a moron. I remembered that detail and got a 96 on this test, which was the highest score in the grade. Anyway, Brenden got like a 76 and came back in during recess to write “Miss Hudson is a thottie” and he got caught actually maybe seven minutes later by Ernest the janitor running away and crying.

3: He Has A Big Crush On Miss Hudson

I’ll be real with you: Miss Hudson is kind of a baddie. She’s not as hot as my girlfriend, who’s actually redonkulously hot. I’m not allowed to take any pictures of her whenever we’re together because she gets really self conscious so I can’t show you what she looks like or of the two of us at the same place at the same time but trust me she’s so hot. Back to the original point; Brenden is notoriously bad with girls so it makes sense that he’d sorta get his signals crossed mentally and write what he did on the board. Maybe, because he’s quite possibly the biggest idiot in our class, he thinks he can cozy up to Miss Hudson after getting negative attention and make her fall in love with him. Dunce.

2: Brenden’s Been Having A Tough Time Socializing Since His Parents Got Divorced

This one is where I’m making a lot of assumptions but I think it just might be true. He started seeing Dr. Phan in the mental health room near the office a few times a week a few weeks ago to try to talk through everything he’s going through which totally makes sense. There’ve been times where someone will ask him a really simple question, like they’ll ask him where the pencil sharpener is or something like that, and he just sorta stands there. He doesn’t yell or anything, and he certainly doesn’t tell you where the pencil sharpener is, he just sorta stands there. The first time this sort of thing happened it went on for like 90 seconds before someone noticed and they got him to I think the nurse’s office. Now it’s been happening a lot less frequently, but maybe the teachers decided he shouldn’t be around other kids in case it happens again.

1: Brenden Doesn’t Have The Balls To Face Aidan After Their Incident At The Rec Basketball Finals

This one seems like a real slam dunk to me, pun intended. Brenden was the starting point guard for the Wildcats in Monday’s town rec league finals, and Aidan really only plays as backup center on the other team because his dad coaches, otherwise he wouldn’t get minutes. Anyway, Brenden came around a pick from Rohan late in the game and was driving to the basket and Aidan absolutely clobbered him. Aidan’s a big kid too so he put a lot of oomph into it. Brendan went flying towards the hardwood and started screaming before he even hit the ground, he couldn’t keep playing anymore after how bad he was hurt. Aidan definitely meant to do it but he pretended to check on Brenden as he was on the ground and “tried” helping him up but Brenden tried to spit on him and one of his teeth came out instead. For both of their sakes’, it’s probably better if Brenden just sits with Miss Hudson until their moms set something up to talk this out at one of their houses.