7 Sex Positions That Will Certainly Not Work on an XL Twin Bed so Don’t Even Worry About it

1. The Bricklayer

The woman puts her chest on the bed and spreads her legs as much as possible while the man positions himself… okay well… maybe if we just… I don’t think this one is going to work on this XL twin bed. The minimal space does not really lend itself for this kind of thing.

2. The Sinking Titanic

Alright here we go. The woman lies on her back and holds the back of her knees to her chest. The man faces the opposite direction of his partner facing downwards. Now the man enters slowly and… ah jeez. Maybe just turn a little bit? Closer but I’m not sure if… is this it? Does that feel right? Maybe we can try this one later?

3. Reverse Moroccan Nightmare

Oh boy. This one looks tough. The man puts his hands on the ground and lays his torso at a 45 degree angle facing downward. The woman slides her… oh wow. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe if we move the desk next to the bed? No? Just unplug everything in the outlet and put the lamp somewhere. The closet I guess? Somewhere safe. Now move the cup of pens! Oh shit. Don’t worry about it, I will pick them up later. So I guess we… Christ can we just move onto the next one?

4. The Herb Alpert

No. Fuck that. Next?

5. The Stretch Limo


6. The 2002 Bobsled Accident

How do you.. where is my…? This is not gonna happen.

7. The St. Louis Crop Duster

Ow! I think I just twisted my ankle! Goddamn it. My ankle hurts like a bitch. I am done. Is there one where I can just lie down the whole time? I will not go to yoga just to have sex. Let’s just finish that episode of Mad Men and call it a night.