Four Months Ago The Kumquat Exhumed And Taxidermied Lucille Ball. Now Her Children Are Bringing Us To Court

It feels like just yesterday the Kumquat made the honorable and popular decision to exhume the rotted corpse of American TV icon Lucille Ball, but that was four months ago. The reveal of her spiffy, albeit waxy, taxidermy display was a day of great celebration, even if the building had to be evacuated for dangerous levels of formaldehyde vapor and the unbearable stench of Lucille’s liquified organs. Now, it seems like the Kumquat will be facing some legal repercussions for “stealing” the body of the beloved comedian and “desecrating” her remains.

Ball’s children, Desi and Lucie, have come forward with a lawsuit against the Kumquat for 40 million dollars.

“We are beyond disgusted with what the Kumquat has done to our mother’s resting body, even if their content is hilarious, especially on their twitter, @sukumquat” said the Ball siblings in their official statement. “They stole our precious mother’s body from us and even though the final display was actually quite impressive and represented her iconic career beautifully, we can never forgive the Kumquat from robbing her grave and interrupting her eternal rest.”

When asked about their “reprehensible” and “inhumane” actions, representatives from the Kumquat just shrugged with a blank look in their eyes.

“Just kinda… felt like it I guess. I love Lucy” they replied. We could not get any further comments.

No matter their previous motivations, the Kumquat is ready for a fierce legal battle. “We hired Maxwell’s finest to defend us in court. It is our right to have Ms. Ball’s cadaver because we are a comedy group and she was a comedian. Also, we cite the ancient law of Finders-Keepers. We firmly believe that Lucille would have wanted to entertain the masses beyond the grave. A dusty old gravestone does not cut it for our funny queen.”

We look forward to keeping the Syracuse community informed in this dramatic battle that will set many judicial precedents for years to come.

5 Gross Habits I Do That I Bet None of You Actually Do

1. Picking the grime out of my fingernails and sprinkling it onto my food for seasoning. 

This is pretty gross but I seriously do this, don’t even act like you do this too.

2. Sneaking into the kitchens of restaurants and licking the excess food off of plates.

There is absolutely NO WAY that you do this so don’t even pretend. Don’t even share this article. You have no idea.

3. Not showering for 2 weeks and then rubbing hand sanitizer all over my dirty spots.

This is disgusting. I even feel gross doing it, but I do it. All the time. I know that you don’t.

4. Spilling condiments on my shirt and sucking them out of the threads.

I don’t care if it’s mustard, ketchup, mayo, or whatever. I do this so I can satisfy my taste buds, AND get the stain right outta my shirt! I’ve never witnessed anybody else do this, so there is absolutely no way that you have. Don’t share this article acting like you have because that would just be lying.

5. Licking the keyboards of computers in public libraries.

I don’t even know why I do this one. I guess it’s just a little quirk I have. And there’s absolutely no fuckin’ way you do this too. Don’t take this from me, okay? This is my thing.

Thanks for reading and please DON’T share unless you want everyone to know you’re a damn liar.