7 Sex Positions That Will Certainly Not Work on an XL Twin Bed so Don’t Even Worry About it

1. The Bricklayer

The woman puts her chest on the bed and spreads her legs as much as possible while the man positions himself… okay well… maybe if we just… I don’t think this one is going to work on this XL twin bed. The minimal space does not really lend itself for this kind of thing.

2. The Sinking Titanic

Alright here we go. The woman lies on her back and holds the back of her knees to her chest. The man faces the opposite direction of his partner facing downwards. Now the man enters slowly and… ah jeez. Maybe just turn a little bit? Closer but I’m not sure if… is this it? Does that feel right? Maybe we can try this one later?

3. Reverse Moroccan Nightmare

Oh boy. This one looks tough. The man puts his hands on the ground and lays his torso at a 45 degree angle facing downward. The woman slides her… oh wow. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe if we move the desk next to the bed? No? Just unplug everything in the outlet and put the lamp somewhere. The closet I guess? Somewhere safe. Now move the cup of pens! Oh shit. Don’t worry about it, I will pick them up later. So I guess we… Christ can we just move onto the next one?

4. The Herb Alpert

No. Fuck that. Next?

5. The Stretch Limo


6. The 2002 Bobsled Accident

How do you.. where is my…? This is not gonna happen.

7. The St. Louis Crop Duster

Ow! I think I just twisted my ankle! Goddamn it. My ankle hurts like a bitch. I am done. Is there one where I can just lie down the whole time? I will not go to yoga just to have sex. Let’s just finish that episode of Mad Men and call it a night.

5 Gross Habits I Do That I Bet None of You Actually Do

1. Picking the grime out of my fingernails and sprinkling it onto my food for seasoning. 

This is pretty gross but I seriously do this, don’t even act like you do this too.

2. Sneaking into the kitchens of restaurants and licking the excess food off of plates.

There is absolutely NO WAY that you do this so don’t even pretend. Don’t even share this article. You have no idea.

3. Not showering for 2 weeks and then rubbing hand sanitizer all over my dirty spots.

This is disgusting. I even feel gross doing it, but I do it. All the time. I know that you don’t.

4. Spilling condiments on my shirt and sucking them out of the threads.

I don’t care if it’s mustard, ketchup, mayo, or whatever. I do this so I can satisfy my taste buds, AND get the stain right outta my shirt! I’ve never witnessed anybody else do this, so there is absolutely no way that you have. Don’t share this article acting like you have because that would just be lying.

5. Licking the keyboards of computers in public libraries.

I don’t even know why I do this one. I guess it’s just a little quirk I have. And there’s absolutely no fuckin’ way you do this too. Don’t take this from me, okay? This is my thing.

Thanks for reading and please DON’T share unless you want everyone to know you’re a damn liar.

Crisis: A Barista Handed Me A Drink and Said “Amelia, That’s For You!” With Such Confidence That I’m No Longer Sure Whether My Name Was Ever Erica

Erica Thompkins, SU Sophomore.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I like to stop by a local coffee shop to grab a triple ristretto upside-down soy salted caramel latte-macchiato before my 8am lecture. It’s always packed, and they never get my name right. Usually it’s just “Erika” instead of “Erica,” but when the barista handed out my signature drink (complete with a design in the foam) and belted out “Amelia, that’s for you!” with Earth-shaking confidence and authority, I was certain I was the one who was mistaken all these years, and my name had always been Amelia.

Of course, after I came to my senses, I called my parents to ask them what they named me, but they must not have been home at the time, or perhaps they aren’t my parents but the parents of someone I once knew named “Erica.” If you know me, please reach out to me and help me figure this out.

Amelia Thompkins is a Sophomore Warehouse Lighting Design Major. She was interviewed by The Kumquat on September 20th, 2017.