Here at Millard Fillmore Middle School, Mrs. McGillicuddy has been telling all of us in her Algebra class that this test today is going to be really tough. Joke’s on her though, that feeble-minded dolt, because here’s why there’s absolutely no way anybody is taking the exam.
1. We Had A Snow Day Last Friday
Let’s be real, it’s a universal truth that a snow day wipes everybody’s brain clean. Add on that this snow day made a long weekend? Forget about it. I went sledding with Matt and Jacob when I normally would have been learning about the FOIL method, and Matt’s mom even let us go to the big hill at the end of the block so that we could go the fastest. If you think I retained any mathematical information while I was bombing down Closter Street on an old boogie board, you’re a god damned moron.
2. It’s Jamie’s Birthday
What sort of soulless wench would make a carefree child take a test worth 45 whole points on her 12th birthday? Not to mention, Jamie’s been having a really rough time in class after her dad came in for career day and everyone made fun of him for describing himself as a “Professional Inspirer.” I heard from Kathryn, who’s at Jamie’s house like every day, that Jamie’s coming in with birthday treats for everybody to class to try to curry favor and get out of the social doghouse. If that’s the case, you can say so long to that Algebra test and hello to cake pops from Jamie’s mom’s organic bakery.
3. Kyle C Had A Meltdown Last Test
I really shouldn’t have to recap this since anyone who’s anyone should know what happened, but in case you missed it: Kyle C lost his freaking mind during the last Algebra test. He got to the third problem on the first sheet and just started screaming. I’m talking blood curdling shrieks that sounded like the purging of years of pent up aggression and didn’t stop for at least a minute. Mrs. McGillicuddy just sort of sat there in shock at first like the rest of us before calling Officer Frank from security to come get Kyle, but I think she’s wizened up this time around. No shot we have this test unless Kyle C goes to the guidance office or something.
4. Mrs. McGillicuddy Hasn’t Been Wearing Her Wedding Ring Lately
At the beginning of the year, all we heard about before the lesson actually started was how Mrs. McGillicuddy and her husband were going kayaking that weekend or how they tried that new sushi place on Johnston Avenue the other day. Now, when we ask her about what they have coming up, she just looks down with a defeated smile and says she doesn’t know. Look, I know it might not make me a saint to dig into my 6th grade Algebra teacher’s personal life just to get out of a 35 minute test, but I’m all out of options. I have absolutely no idea what the material is. When I told my mom I was studying for today, I was actually on Facetime with my girlfriend from summer camp. She’s really great but she lives super far away so she can’t come over and meet any of my friends which makes things tough. She also doesn’t have Instagram or anything so I can’t show you what she looks like. Long story short, I’m gonna ask Mrs. McGillicuddy if she’s going with her husband to the Winter Wonderland street fair on Main Street and let nature run its course.
5. We Haven’t Gotten Any Of Our Homeworks Graded Yet
It should be common knowledge that you have to get all the homeworks graded before we have to take the test. That’s the way it works in Mr. Williams’s world history class, that’s how it works in Miss Garcia’s chemistry class, that’s just the law of the land. Mrs. McGillicuddy, that hapless oaf, has decided to take her sweet old time on everything we handed in the last few weeks. It’s not as if we just gave her odds and ends either; pages 65-69 of the textbook were due just this past Wednesday, and there weren’t even answers in the back of the book! How are we supposed to know how to solve variable equations if we’re just blindly throwing answers into the wind at home? Ridiculous.
6. There’s That Big Assembly After Class
This is Mrs. McGillicuddy’s 9th year teaching here. She’d have to be an absolute rube to believe that all 23 of us in her 3rd period class will be focused on her test knowing full well that immediately afterwards we’re heading to the multipurpose room to see Dan Gutman talk about his new book. After Ms. Schlipp gave us all copies of Honus & Me to read over winter break to prep for this assembly, it’s all anybody’s been talking about. I know for a fact that I’ll be sprinting down the hallway (Only to slightly slow down as I pass Mrs. Li’s room since she goes absolutely apoplectic and takes away recess privileges when she sees running in the halls) to try to meet Dan before all the hubbub. If that means I have to leave Mrs. McGillicuddy’s room early, so be it, and I’d have to imagine Ethan, Evan, and Eli all feel the same way as I do. So good luck with that test Mrs. M, because there’s no way we’ll actually take it until at least next week.