November Horoscopes


This is your season, Scorpio. The four weeks out of every year wherein you are operating at peak performance. You are Mariah Carey's bank account the minute Halloween is over. This is your final form. As a Scorpio, you are characteristically a heinous bitch who drives away everyone they love and care about, but now, since your season has hit, you have an excuse! So start unnecessary beef with your roommate! Slash the tires of every Good Uncle van on campus! Throw a brick through the window of Tri Delt! On November 6th Uranus passes through the constellation Aries, bringing an unexpected surprise. Perhaps something unexpected or surprising will pass through Uranus, who knows! On November 16th, Mercury will go into retrograde, driving anyone who gives a shit about astrology into a full scale mental and emotional collapse until December 6th. Will anything actually happen at all? Maybe not. But will you be able to blame a planet that is 48 million miles away if anything does? Absolutely. Your season ends on the 22nd meaning all you edgy, goth Scorpio bitches are gonna have to slink back into your hot topic 2015 aesthetic and let the Sagittarii take over. On the 23rd a full moon occurs in Gemini, so watch out for that bird! When there’s a full moon, it’s important to stay on your toes! Your RA is gonna try to sell you coke and then write you up if you say yes. Don’t fall for his tricks! On November 27th Venus will oppose Uranus, bringing shocks and surprises. Perhaps something will bring shocks and surprises to Uranus! Good luck in Sagittarius season! Maybe their fun-loving energy will counteract your seasonal depression! See you in December! Xoxo Luna Starchild


Oh Sagittarius, you beautiful free spirit. Much like Logan Reese from Zoey 101, nobody finds you particularly hot, but everyone would still smash. You’re a perfectionist, so if you had to blow your anthropology professor you would. Luckily, you’ve got all B’s so far and can probably maintain that. More luck is coming your way as Jupiter, the lucky planet, enters your sign on November 8th, where it will stay for the next year. This is huge! Play the lottery, invest in stocks, suck a dick! That lucky streak just will not stop. Also, people from all signs will generally feel the Sagittarius spirit until Jupiter enters someone else, which means everyone is down try new things; namely, anal. So stock up on water-based lubricants and lay down a towel. Thank the stars, your dry spell is up when Venus ends her retrograde on November 16th. You can start taking your birth control again! Your season starts on the 22nd, so keep your eyes peeled for a pretty brunette to wife up or a handsome ham to roast. It’s your time! Rent a DVD from an adult bookstore and go to town on yourself! Sagittarii are traditionally exempt from “No Nut November”, so feel free to draw the shades and get to know yourself a little better while the fourth season of Zoey 101 plays on your laptop in the background. Neptune ends her retrograde and gets the fuck back in line on November 24th, so focus on self care. Make yourself a face mask from the ashes of Chancellor Syverud’s late dog Lucky. There’s only enough for about a dozen face masks, so if you’re reading this: HURRY! Get to 300 Comstock Avenue and run up the chancellor’s driveway! Knock thrice on the side door and chant “Lucky Lucky -- Skin so soft! Bring me pores like Laura Croft!” See you in December Saggii! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Buckle up, you stupid bitch! You’re a Capricorn so you say you don’t actually believe in any of this. You’re pretending like you were just curious, but we got you bitch you love this shit. You love when anyone talks about you at all, but you’re not going to admit that because you’re stubborn. Honestly you’re the woooooorst, but you’re roughly 1/12 of my audience, so I’m going to write this for you anyway. There’s a new moon on the 7th and new moons bring clean slates, so maybe you can stop eating all your roommate’s goddamn food for once. Additionally, consider this new beginning as a chance to forget the time you answered a facetime from your mom and dad while you were getting your dick sucked in the downstairs bathroom of Hendrick’s Chapel. They forgive you; they know what it means to be an Orangeman. On November 15th, Mars enters Pisces, bringing a shift in energy surrounding your workload. Pisces’s influence usually means you will be finding creative solutions to your problems, but because you’re a fucking Capricorn you’re about as creative as Tyler Perry brainstorming Madea sequels, so that doesn’t mean shit to you. November 23rd brings a full moon in Gemini. Communication will be a big theme on this day, meaning there’s a chance Drake Bell is finally going to reveal he’s a white supremacist. Also, your professor will think it’s okay to use homophobic and racial slurs in an academic context. Try to communicate to them that it really isn’t. On November 26th and 27th, the Sun, Mercury and Venus align, putting everyone in the mood to gossip. Also, this will full the prophecy…so prepare for the battle as it has been foretold. See you in December you fucking pricks. XOXO Luna Starchild.


Aquarius, I love you watery fuckers with all my heart. Much like a well-made dildo, you are inherently flexible, but your indomitable strength allows you to get the job done, and done well. This month will be a lot like all the other months, except this time the planets are doing some wacky shit! On November 6th, Uranus, your ruling planet, enters aggressive and domineering Aries, potentially making you, and Uranus, more aggressive and domineering in many aspects of your life. The last time this happened was the springtime, meaning a lot of emotions and themes of the spring will resurface. Maybe SZA is back! Maybe your sister will get another abortion! Who knows! On November 9th Venus connects with Mars, bringing passionate energy. Venus has been in retrograde since September, bringing a pervasive dry spell to almost everyone, so this will be your only time to fuck until the planet of love comes out of retrograde on November 16th. Jupiter enters Sagittarius on November 8th, where it will stay for almost a year. This means big news is coming, so stock up on juul pods because they’re definitely going to lose that lawsuit. On November 22nd Sagittarius season starts, meaning everyone will be in a more adventurous and bold mood, just in time for Thanksgiving! You are, at your core, a humanitarian, so perhaps this will give you the courage to finally try to explain institutional racism to your 60-year-old Irish catholic uncle over a nice lukewarm plate of canned cranberry sauce. In the true stubborn Aquarius spirit, you won’t rest until he gets so flustered he keys the word “libtard” into your Honda civic. On November 26th and 27th, the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter align, bringing juicy gossip and inflated egos. Kayla is going to try to take advantage of your friendly and lovely nature. Fuck you, Kayla! Your taste in music isn’t as edgy as you think it is! See you in December you beautiful Aquarius, XOXO Luna Starchild.


Welcome to Scorpio season, Pisces. Scorpio is a water sign like you, meaning you like the season because it makes everyone feel more like the blubbering, emotional baby you are on a daily basis. When people think of Pisces, they think of a sentient stream of tears, and they’re not wrong! That is very much who you are. Since Venus has been in retrograde for a while, you’ve been having a lot of issues concerning intimacy and trust. More are on the way. If you’re a freshman, you’ll be recruited to audition for FYP. This is a trap! The trickster planet Pluto is trying to turn you into a fucking loser! The sun connects with your ruling planet, Neptune, on November 6th. You’ll be feeling extra cute and creative on that day so make a questionable fashion decision or pick out a fresh, even quirkier Office quote in your Tinder bio. Your other planetary master, Jupiter switches from Scorpio into Sagittarius at the beginning of the month. This hasn’t happened since 2007, which means last time you felt the Sagittarius spirit you were cranking that Soulja Boy all the way through the desolate halls of your shitty suburban elementary school to distract you from the crippling impact of your parent’s divorce. I promise it’ll be a lot better this time, Pisces. Sagittarius will bring immense popularity to your life for the next year, so you’ll definitely get the big solo at your acapella group’s next invitational. You will receive a huge burst of energy when Mars enters your sign on the 15th. Keep your eyes open for three white horses…when you see them, the time has come. Mercury retrograde will hit on November 16th, causing all sorts of issues surrounding communication and travel. Danny DeVito will definitely steal all the tires off your car while you’re parked at a rest stop on your way home to Westchester County for Thanksgiving break, and even worse, all your professors will refer to Thanksgiving as “Turkey Day”. Yuck! No thank you, Mercury! A full moon in Gemini on November 23rd will bring up topics surrounding your family and home life. You know what that means! Your stepdad is going to try to bond with you again while you’re home for break, but since Mercury is in retrograde it’s just going to be super weird for everyone involved. Sure this month is going to be chaotic, but you got this Pisces! See you in December, XOXO Luna Starchild.


Aries! You’re a goat! HA HA that fucking sucks. It’s Scorpio season, and you and Scorpio are both ruled by Mars, meaning it’s practically your sister sign. But sometimes you fucking hate Scorpios and they make you miserable, just like your actual sister! Emotionally, Scorpio season is exceedingly turbulent for you, so buckle the fuck up and let’s do some soul-searching! Uranus reenters your sign on November 6th, which means you’ll be feeling spontaneous. Uranus is always up for something wild and new, so do something special for Uranus! Mercury goes into retrograde on the 16th so don’t be surprised if your laptop starts playing very graphic porn in front of your elderly grandmother while you try to play the quirky family thanksgiving slideshow your mom spent hours preparing on iMovie. Not cool, Mercury! Sagittarius season starts on the 22nd, meaning everyone will be feeling the whimsical and adventurous Sagittarius spirit again. Maybe you’ll go to ZBT instead of Phi Delt this time. Maybe you’ll try some of that acid your roommate bought on craigslist. Maybe a wise old wizard will approach you, gift you an enchanted sword and send you on a quest to melt the frozen heart of the ice troll who lives at the bottom of Lake Onondaga. Maybe you will fall in love with and eventually marry said ice troll. She’s a bit of a handful but I think she’ll appreciate your signature Aries hardheadedness. Dramatically cast that enchanted sword aside! This Sagittarius season could be so good for you! Neptune is currently in retrograde, but it will get the fuck back in line on the 24th where it will then appear in the constellation Pisces. This is very psychically significant, so pay close attention to your dreams. They could be trying to tell you something! Yes, even the ones where you piss yourself in front of Miranda Cosgrove and wake up sobbing, there’s a message hidden there. Jupiter and Mercury connect on November 27th, which means there could be exciting conversations taking place. Perhaps the higher-ups at Humor Whore will finally green-light your shitty dining hall-themed Black Eyed Peas cover, “Boom Boom Chow”. No one will think it’s funny, but congrats, I guess! Anyway, have a great November you stupid goat. XOXO Luna Starchild


Strong, stubborn, proud, genocidal. All of these words have been used to describe Tauruses, especially the most famous Taurus of all: Hitler! Yeah, you’re the same sign as that guy. Bummer! It’s okay though because George Lopez is also a Taurus, and his groundbreaking performance in Sharkboy and Lavagirl more than makes up for it. Your planetary ruler, Venus, has been in retrograde since October so no, your seasonal depression hasn’t been setting in early, it’s just silly old Venus! That retrograde will end on the 16th, but don’t worry Mercury starts its retrograde on that day so you’ll still have an excuse to look, feel, and act like a piece of shit. You may be feeling anxious about your future at the beginning of this month. Is your career as a soundcloud rapper actually sustainable? Is your dad really going to marry your best friend from middle school? Will your family let you juul at the dinner table during thanksgiving so you can fuel your nicotine addiction? The future is a daunting concept, but you’ve got this, Taurus! Jupiter will enter Sagittarius on November 7th, which hasn’t happened since 2007. This means the energy you’ll be feeling in the next year will lead to immense growth. Last time this happened, Britney Spears shaved her head and smashed a car window with an umbrella. THAT’S the energy I’m talking about, and look how much she grew! We’re proud of you, Britney. She really took Jupiter in Sagittarius and ran with it. A full moon will arrive in Gemini on the 23rd. Full moons typically bring things to a fever pitch, especially things related to sex and money. Your dedication to No Nut November may be in jeopardy; however, if you’re a No Nut November participant, odds are no one is trying to have sex with you anyway, so you’re in the clear. Venus opposes Uranus on the 27th, prompting a change in your daily habits. Uranus is always in need of a change! Maybe you’ll finally finish that Al Gore/George W. Bush erotic novel you started writing in seventh grade. Your Wattpad subscribers have been waiting for far too long for a new installment. Appreciate the burst of energy this November will bring, because this is best you’ll feel until the sun comes back for those three days in May. See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Aw my lovely little two-faced, self-absorbed, insufferable, Gemini bitches. Scorpio season has you crossing a lot off your to-do list. Maybe you’ll finally send your stupid grandma a thank-you note for that dumb fucking birthday card she sent you back in June. Giver her a piece of your mind! Or maybe this time you’ll get around to telling Trent from Theta Chi that he’s DEFINITELY been exposed to chlamydia and should probably stop by health services. Or maybe you’ll banish that sock gremlin nesting underneath your bed once and for all! Good thing you’re getting your shit together now because your life will certainly fall to pieces when Mercury turns retrograde on the 16th. You’re already the Caillou of your friend group, but when your ruling planet goes into retrograde you become even more of a whiny, spoiled, attention-seeking bald idiot than you already are. That’s right! You’ll literally lose all your hair. Goodbye, tasteful ombre highlights! Jupiter enters Sagittarius at the beginning of the month, meaning the next year will be incredibly lucky for you! Last time this happened it was 2007 and Matt Damon was declared the sexiest man alive. Could that have happened without lucky Jupiter in Sagittarius? No fucking way. On the 15th, Mars enters Pisces, bringing success in your career. Don’t be surprised if Thad’s uncle finally thinks you’re hot enough to be a caddy at his country club this summer! Neptune ends its retrograde on the 24th bringing a lot of creative energy. So, if your arm falls off, do something creative with it! Replace it with a pool noodle or throw it on the Christmas tree or maybe leave it on the side of the road so someone can make a murder mystery podcast about it. Try to keep your ego in check during Sagittarius season, which starts on the 22nd. However, that could be very hard for you because your ego is even bigger than FYP’s collective boner anytime someone so much as hums a Hamilton song. Anyway, this month is sure to be an interesting one so make sure to post about on your finsta frequently. It’s the only way to cope. See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Oh cancer, our resident sad boy of the zodiac. Your favorite genre of music is most likely vaporwave or some other shitty genre that normal people just don’t “get”. You’re the deep, sensitive indie boy that everyone has a crush on but who no one will actually pursue because there’s definitely something sus going on with you for sure. Scorpio season is typically a sexy time for most of us, but since you and Scorpio are both water signs, that is especially true for you. After all, getting laid is the true spirit of Thanksgiving, so be sure to make your sex life a little more festive and use a dried corn husk as a condom; if you’re feeling extra bold, maybe try a cornucopia! The next year will be a big one for you professionally, thanks to Jupiter entering Sagittarius on November 8th. Use that energy to make impressive strides in your career! Jupiter was last in Sagittarius in 2007, otherwise known as the year Zoey 101 was canceled because Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant at 16. This was so significant for her career, because if that never happened how would she have made such a seamless transition into the glamorous life of a country music star with her hit 2016 single “Sleepover”? That was also the year Fergie showed us all her sensitive side with “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. So basically, your big break is right around the corner! On November 23rd, an exhausting full moon arrives in Gemini. You’ll be so emotionally drained you won’t even notice your roommate’s new face tattoo, and she’ll be really fucking upset about it. Make sure to snap out of it before you line up at Walmart to break some middle aged collar bones for a discounted Nintendo Switch, you’ll really have to be on your toes for that! On November 27th, the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter align, so expect big news! This might be the day Governor Cuomo finally makes improv comedy illegal in the state of New York. It’s about time! Someone has to stop those zany fuckers from constantly flopping around the stage yelling fart jokes in a weird accent. Anyway, hope you have a fun November, Cancer, and if you don’t you’ll probably just write some sad indie song about it with your acoustic guitar. See you in December, XOXO Luna Starchild.


Oh Leo, you truly are the Victoria Justice of the Zodiac. Talented, pretty, and under the impression that you were going to be the breakout star in life, except everyone knows it was really Ariana Grande all along. Scorpio season usually has you in a quieter mood with a particular desire to connect with your family, especially your weird uncle. You know, the one with the eye patch. He’s probably got some stories to tell. You’ll also be feeling more emotional at the beginning of the month, so stock up on tissues and put Blink-182’s “I Miss You” on repeat because you deserve a good cry! When Mars enters Pisces on November 15th, you’ll find yourself engulfed by intense passionate energy. You know what that means, Usher is going to give you herpes again! Good thing Neptune ends its retrograde in Pisces on the 24th, which means that’ll be a great time to heal. Get that weird scab checked out! That shit’s definitely sooo infected! Jupiter enters fellow fire sign Sagittarius at the beginning of the month bringing a huge opportunity for growth over the next year. Who knows how many additional limbs you’ll grow throughout the year, the possibilities are endless! Sagittarius season, which starts on the 22nd, is overall a very fun time for you and I promise this Sag season will be much even better than the last one when there was that incident at Ashley’s lake house. I know what you did, and so do the stars. A climactic full moon in Gemini on the 23rd will likely mean big things for your love life, but it could also have you cutting off bad friends and finally prioritizing yourself in your relationships. For example, if your friend is always saying weird shit about immigrants, eating canned tuna with her fingers all the time, or making a scene at your bat mitzvah, maybe it’s time to let her go. Mars connects with Saturn on the 27th, which may help you work through a problem that hasn’t been going as smoothly as you had hoped. This would be a good time to confront your roommate about all those dark rituals he’s been doing in your apartment because clearly your passive aggressive post-it notes are not working. Besides all the pigs’ blood he’s been using is starting to make all your surfaces even stickier than usual and not in a good way. Anyway, use all this positive energy to your advantage, Leo! See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild


Haha stupid virgins. If you could fuck a to-do list, you probably would. Also, you exhibit a keen attention to detail and you’re pretty fucking annoying about it. You’re the type of person who would say “the sky” every time someone asked you “what’s up” when you were a kid. Yeah you’re that fucking annoying, but I can’t shit on you too much because my mom’s a Virgo and she’d get mad. This month, Jupiter enters Sagittarius on the 8th, which will bring significant blessings to your family life throughout the next year. Maybe your little brother’s xbox will burst into flames so he can stop degrading your family with his constant Fortnite dancing, or maybe your sister will marry that prince from Luxembourg she’s been talking to on Facebook Messenger. Who knows! Mars enters Pisces on the 15th, highlighting the sector of your birth chart that rules relationships. Clearly this means that guy from tinder you ghosted last spring is back, except now he has a goatee. Yuck! Or maybe it means the next girl you grope on the dance floor at Phi Delt is the one! Aw, I’m happy for you two. Don’t expect that positive energy to last though, because your ruling planet, Mercury, goes into retrograde on the 16th. This means your life will be in absolute shambles until retrograde ends on December 6th. Don’t be surprised if you suddenly start vomiting slugs all over your white IKEA carpet. Sorry Virgo, I know you’re a clean freak but this is just one of those things you’re going to have to deal with. Weird stuff just oozes from our orifices from time to time, and more often than not, Mercury retrograde is to blame. Sagittarius season, which starts on the 22nd has you focused on your friends and family, particularly Brett. That stunt he pulled at your uncle’s water polo invitational last Sagittarius season was unacceptable, and if you’re not careful, he might try it again. Tell him it is totally not okay for him to shit in the pool during the final match no matter how much of a sore loser he is! Anyway, this November promises to be full of struggles and surprises for you, but you kinda deserve it, Virgo. See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Libra, you are unarguably the best sign of the Zodiac. So much poise. So much compassion. So many ghosted tinder matches. Scorpio season usually has you focused on money and finances, so odds are you’ll probably fall victim to at least one pyramid scheme. Make sure to pick a good one! Also, this could be a good time to treat yourself to some really expensive but really hideous clothing. Venus retrograde ends on November 16th so maybe that crusty guy who looks like a magician will stop asking you to come to his flag football scrimmage. Don’t count on it though, because Mercury goes into retrograde that same day. You know what that means, the parakeet you adopted is going to run away from home! Bye bye Madam Silky Feathers, you will be dearly missed. Also, ignore the small child tapping on the window outside your second floor bathroom in the middle of the night. He has unfinished business on this earth before he may pass on to the after life, but it doesn’t concern you directly—only your residence. Don’t worry about it, it’s just a quirky little Mercury retrograde thing. Jupiter enters Sagittarius on the 8th, which will put you in the mood to travel frequently over the next year. If you really hate yourself, I recommend Reno, Nevada. It truly is a paradise for men who wear their sunglasses on the back of their heads and scream at their bald children in public. A full moon in Gemini occurs on the 23rd sparking a lot of conversation. This also means people will be particularly observant, so whenever you smoke weed this month, everyone around you is going to know that you’re high and stare at you the entire time. Awkward! Sagittarius season starts on the 22nd, so you’ll be feeling extra spiritual and adventurous. Just do us a favor and please stop recommending your homemade essential oils to everyone. They smell like shit and no one cares about their “spiritual healing properties”. Venus counters Uranus on the 27th which is sure to bring changes to your relationships. Uranus is fucking wacky, and you should probably do something about it! A lot of your friendships will be tested during this time, so why not get it all over with and plan a really fucked up Hunger Games-style obstacle course to see who your true friends really are. The ones who survive? They’re the real keepers. Anyway Libra, try not to die over some high-waisted mom jeans at Urban Outfitters on your favorite holiday, Black Friday. Don’t worry though, no one will blame you if you do. It’s how you would have wanted to go. See you in December, beautiful. XOXO Luna Starchild