5 Surefire Ways To Get Out Of Having To Dance With Your Family Friend At The Upcoming Snowflake Ball

Assuming you’re not totally out of the loop, you know Friday night is the premier event of the winter trimester here at Millard Fillmore Middle School: The Snowflake Ball. Nobody really asked to be anyone else’s date for this event, but everyone knows that when push comes to shove, the slow dance is where the wheat separates itself from the chaff in the social hierarchy. So that you don’t come out of this dance looking like a sack of garbage, here are some ideas for how to not be stuck dancing with your friend Amanda from pre-school when the big moment arrives.

5: Sneak Into The Bathroom

Ever since that stomach bug went around after Martin Feinberg’s bar mitzvah for all the 7th and 8th graders, all of us 6th graders have been freaking out about some sort of trickle down issues coming our way. I absolutely guarantee that if you bribed Hassan the DJ like $10 he’d tell you when the slow song is coming up. So that you don’t draw too much attention to yourself, leave a song or two ahead of the slow song and try not to tell anybody where you go. This strategy very much falls along the “Ask not for permission, instead ask for forgiveness” approach of doing things, as it banks upon Amanda wondering whether you’re ok when you tell her you were in the bathroom instead of being angry that she left. Sure, you might have to deal with a lot of questions about what you did in the bathroom and if you’re actually gonna make everyone else get sick, but that’s worth dealing with in exchange for not having to deal with Amanda’s clammy hands.

4: Punch Tanner

Everyone knows Tanner is the whipping boy of Millard Fillmore Middle School. Kevin Fung had to deal with it two years ago, and last year it was Kevin Schott, but Tanner Popsarelli just goes through the wringer every single goddamned day of the year. The “Poopsarelli” jokes, the getting thrown in the lockers, the soiling himself before making his speech in the class treasurer debate, the child simply invites ridicule with everything he says or does. If this is the path you choose to go down, you need to get fully into Tanner watch mode. That means you have to watch him try to grind on Kimmy Delmonico, that means you have to watch him spill fruit punch near his crotch, and that means you have to watch him try to explain that he pissed blood instead of spilling on himself and that’s why the stain is vaguely red. I more or less think that the chaperones would give you a free pass if you socked him in the mouth, Amanda might too.

3: Ask Serena

Serena Frings, the apple of everyone’s eye. Her blonde hair, her hazel eyes, everything about her makes me scream “AH-WOOO-GUH” until I get asked to leave the dance. Actually, on that note, I’m not even gonna be at this dance. My girlfriend, who goes to a private school that’s so prestigious I’m not even allowed to tell you the name or where it is, has her dance this weekend at her school, so I’m gonna go there. We might even get to second base. Yeah, I said it, second base. There’s absolutely no shot you’ll get there with Serena or Amanda because they’re not as cool as my girlfriend is, but you gotta think about optics kid. Serena is on the fast track to be the premier slow dance attraction for bar mitzvah season, and everyone knows the Snowflake ball is pretty much a glorified bar mitzvah tuneup. Grow a pair and ask her. What’s the worst that could go wrong? She humiliates you in front of the entire auditorium and Amanda refuses to speak to you which leads to holiday dinners being awkward because your families always used to have them together and now she refuses to even be in the same as room? Maybe. But it’d be funny.

2: Tell Amanda You Love Her

Deep in your heart you know this to be true. Think about all the other things in your life you currently love: the Red Wings, when they cater lunch on a field trip, your Skullcandy over-ear headphones, I could go on and on. You know you always have loved and always will love these things, so it’s a safe bet to think you’ll feel the same way about Amanda. She’s a nice person, to be fair; she helped you with your acrostic poem on Ancient Greece even after you accidentally-on-purpose hip-checked her while sprinting down the stairs to get to the bus. Also, think about how easy it would be to just spend this time with her for just one slow dance. Trust yourself that you’ll finagle a different person to dance with for all the parties next year. Realistically, this is the strategically and morally correct thing to do. But you’re not gonna do this. You’re an idiot. Here’s what you’re gonna do instead.

1: Try To Bring Back The Harlem Shake

This one’s a sure thing, take it to the bank. If you time this one right, there’s absolutely no way you have to slow dance with Amanda. Again, this plan is contingent upon you bribing Hassan so that you know when the slow song is coming. Then, it’s on you to rally the troops. Get Erik, get Eric, get Erick, get everyone. In case nobody told you what the Harlem Shake is, it’s this thing from when we were in like 1st grade where somebody would play this song and at the drop everybody goes absolutely bonkers. Everyone gets dressed up in these really weird costumes and we can make this thing go viral on Youtube or TikTok. If there’s one thing everybody loves, it’s reviving an old viral video that went stale quickly the first time around. Again, you’re gonna make Amanda angry on this one, but that’s alright. Emotional fulfillment and moral uprightness are temporary. Viral fame is forever.

The 5 Likeliest Explanations For Why Brenden Sits With Miss Hudson At Lunch

Something’s changed in the last ten days or so in the Millard Fillmore elementary school cafeteria during fifth period lunch. Brenden, who used to regale us all with his tales of his family’s ski vacation they took to Vermont when he was in fourth grade, has been sitting with English teacher and Miss Hudson during lunch while everyone else has been discussing my sick goal in handball a few days ago in gym. Here are a few reasons why I think he’s off at a different table.

5: Food Allergies

This one seems too obvious, I almost feel immediately inclined to discount it. Everyone remembers those weird hypoallergenic cookie replacements Brenden’s mom brought in for his birthday a few months ago, so the popular chatter is that he has to sit at a special table so he doesn’t get contaminated or whatever. However, because I’m not a senseless dolt like everyone in this school except for maybe Kevin Ramirez in 8th grade who’s already taking high school math, I’ve been investigating how this doesn’t add up. If he had these allergies, why has it taken Brenden so long to switch tables? He always tells us about his health stuff, even when it’s really weird. For example, he stopped our recess football game about a month ago because his “Osgood Schlatter disease was getting to him real bad,” when none of us even knew he had Osgood Schlatter. If he made a point to tell us that, he would have made a point to tell us about any increased food allergy sensitivity. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s only allergic to like the dye in certain Nabisco products, and the vending machine stopped selling all of that in favor of those weird pop chips 2 weeks ago. There’s no way this is just a food based thing.

4: He’s Still In Trouble For Writing “Miss Hudson Is A Thottie” On The Whiteboard

This one was a classic Brenden overreaction. We have English right before lunch and about three weeks ago we had a really difficult test on The Outsiders that a lot of people weren’t ready for. A week later we got the grades back and even more people were unhappy with Miss Hudson’s grading system. She refused to give partial credit, even on the short answer portion of the test. That meant that even if you got 99 percent of the question right, you were screwed if you missed even one little detail. Brenden missed one little detail. He said that Johnny was the one who first spat at the Socs instead of Ponyboy before the stabbing, like a moron. I remembered that detail and got a 96 on this test, which was the highest score in the grade. Anyway, Brenden got like a 76 and came back in during recess to write “Miss Hudson is a thottie” and he got caught actually maybe seven minutes later by Ernest the janitor running away and crying.

3: He Has A Big Crush On Miss Hudson

I’ll be real with you: Miss Hudson is kind of a baddie. She’s not as hot as my girlfriend, who’s actually redonkulously hot. I’m not allowed to take any pictures of her whenever we’re together because she gets really self conscious so I can’t show you what she looks like or of the two of us at the same place at the same time but trust me she’s so hot. Back to the original point; Brenden is notoriously bad with girls so it makes sense that he’d sorta get his signals crossed mentally and write what he did on the board. Maybe, because he’s quite possibly the biggest idiot in our class, he thinks he can cozy up to Miss Hudson after getting negative attention and make her fall in love with him. Dunce.

2: Brenden’s Been Having A Tough Time Socializing Since His Parents Got Divorced

This one is where I’m making a lot of assumptions but I think it just might be true. He started seeing Dr. Phan in the mental health room near the office a few times a week a few weeks ago to try to talk through everything he’s going through which totally makes sense. There’ve been times where someone will ask him a really simple question, like they’ll ask him where the pencil sharpener is or something like that, and he just sorta stands there. He doesn’t yell or anything, and he certainly doesn’t tell you where the pencil sharpener is, he just sorta stands there. The first time this sort of thing happened it went on for like 90 seconds before someone noticed and they got him to I think the nurse’s office. Now it’s been happening a lot less frequently, but maybe the teachers decided he shouldn’t be around other kids in case it happens again.

1: Brenden Doesn’t Have The Balls To Face Aidan After Their Incident At The Rec Basketball Finals

This one seems like a real slam dunk to me, pun intended. Brenden was the starting point guard for the Wildcats in Monday’s town rec league finals, and Aidan really only plays as backup center on the other team because his dad coaches, otherwise he wouldn’t get minutes. Anyway, Brenden came around a pick from Rohan late in the game and was driving to the basket and Aidan absolutely clobbered him. Aidan’s a big kid too so he put a lot of oomph into it. Brendan went flying towards the hardwood and started screaming before he even hit the ground, he couldn’t keep playing anymore after how bad he was hurt. Aidan definitely meant to do it but he pretended to check on Brenden as he was on the ground and “tried” helping him up but Brenden tried to spit on him and one of his teeth came out instead. For both of their sakes’, it’s probably better if Brenden just sits with Miss Hudson until their moms set something up to talk this out at one of their houses.

5 Reasons Why Ethan Isn’t Inviting Jakob R To His Birthday Party At Medieval Times, Ranked By Sociopolitical Expediency

As everyone knows, the social pecking order at Millard Fillmore Middle School has been completely up-heaved by Ryan Johnstone moving with his mom out to Tempe. He had already started puberty, which means he was obviously the straw that stirred the drink in the social hierarchy. With his absence, former best friends Ethan and Jakob R are set to duke it out for the top spot on the food chain. Because of that, here’s why I’d bet my life on Ethan not inviting Jakob R to his birthday party at Medieval Times, in a list ordered in increasing political sense for Ethan.

5: Ethan Knows Jakob R Is Afraid Of People In Costumes

This is the idealist in me meekly poking its head out. These two kids are best friends, after all. There’s a part of me that wants to think Ethan isn’t inviting Jakob R because he remembers what happened when the two of them went to Sesame Place and Jakob R left hysterically crying after 20 minutes because he couldn’t wrap his head around seeing Grover smoke a Marlboro Red without his headpiece on. However, there’s a much larger part of me that thinks Ethan will invite Jakob R for this specific reason. Not only does it give him plausible deniability about playing the game of middle school politics, but when Ethan waits to go home and freak out about the costumes instead of doing it in front of everyone else like Jakob R inevitably will, he’ll be crying as the coolest kid in the grade.

4: Jessie Is Going To Be There

Ah, Jessie Lawrence: the belle of the Millard Fillmore ball. Ever since Ethan and Jakob R got paired with her for the balloon car project in science, they’ve been competing over her. If Ethan did the mile for the national fitness test in 9 minutes, Jakob R did it in 8:59. If Jakob R read 4 books for the weekly reading log, Ethan read 5. There’s something about Jessie and her complete lack of interest in them that makes Ethan and Jakob R go absolutely hogwild. Personally, Jessie doesn’t do it for me, but that’s because my girlfriend is so much hotter. She was actually going to come with me to Ethan’s party, but then she broke both of her ankles at the same time. That’s a thing people do, right? Anyway, Ethan wants some alone time with Jessie, and Jakob R stands in the way of that.

3: Jesse Is Going To Be There

In an arrival that’s frustrated the MFMS teachers that already had Jessie Lawrence in their classes to no end, Jesse Laurent moved to town a month into the school year, and he’s a rising star on the scene. He’s like half Swiss or something, which is automatically a big plus. He also has been to Medieval Times before with his friends from his old school. I might not like Ethan very much, but I’ll at least admit he’s not a simpleton. Having the hottest prospect to come through this school in years at your party would be a big enough statement of intent. But the fact that this kid has seen one of these jousts before and can tell everybody else what’s coming next? Game over. Jesse is a lock to get an invite. With that in mind, Ethan can’t let Jakob R try to steal Jesse away during this party while Ethan goes and talks with his aunt and uncle that came in from Santa Fe, there’s just too much risk.

2: Their Moms Are In Some Sort Of Carpooling Argument

Alright, I’ll admit the details are a little murky for me on this one. Here’s what I’ve been able to suss out about it.

Apparently, Jakob R’s mom was supposed to drive the two of them to baseball practice last week, but she had to renege at the last second because her book club convened for an emergency meeting. In her place, she got taller Daniel’s mom to drive Ethan, Jakob R, taller Daniel, and shorter Daniel. As pretty much everybody knows, taller Daniel’s mom is both very aggressive on the brakes and absolutely abominable with directions. As a result, Jakob R got home 25 minutes later than normal and missed grace at family dinner, which is a big no-no over there.

Now, from this situation, I would think it makes more sense for taller Daniel to not get invited to Medieval Times. However, I have it on good authority that Ethan’s mom is royally pissed at Jakob R’s mom, and because of that Jakob R isn’t coming. Evidently Mrs. Ethan’s mom is making some power moves of her own in the Millard Fillmore house of cards.

1: Ethan Knows That Jakob R Knows That Ethan Knows That Jakob R Knows About What Happened At Jakob R’s Last Birthday Party

Gather round, folks: this is an exclusive bombshell I’m about to drop. For the last 9 months, there have been persistent rumors about what happened at Jakob R’s birthday party in his backyard. All anyone knows is that Ethan, despite hyping up this party to anybody and everybody for weeks until the day itself, didn’t show up. He didn’t tell anybody why, nobody addressed it there, he was just never present. Or at least that’s what we thought.

I have it on good authority that Ethan was in fact at the party. Not only that, he was integral in the setup of the piñata that proved to be a smash hit. He left early because he had a euphonium concert. That’s right, a euphonium concert. Ethan couldn’t even be bothered to play a cool instrument like the saxophone. He had to drag his parents out to some specialty music shop and pick out a custom euphonium, because he’s seemingly too good to even pick the tuba, which is overwhelmingly similar to the euphonium.

Naturally, Ethan couldn’t let it get out that he plays this secret instrument; nobody gunning for the top spot on the ladder could survive with that sort of dirt on them. Despite the fact that Jakob R is his best friend, I guarantee Ethan isn’t willing to take the risk that Jakob R is going to protect that pivotal information.

The party is next week and the invitation list is set to percolate its way through the Millard Fillmore rumor mill tomorrow. Take it from me, everybody: bet your house on Jakob R not being on it.

6 Reasons Why Mrs. McGillicuddy Can’t Give Us This Algebra Test Today

Here at Millard Fillmore Middle School, Mrs. McGillicuddy has been telling all of us in her Algebra class that this test today is going to be really tough. Joke’s on her though, that feeble-minded dolt, because here’s why there’s absolutely no way anybody is taking the exam.

1. We Had A Snow Day Last Friday

Let’s be real, it’s a universal truth that a snow day wipes everybody’s brain clean. Add on that this snow day made a long weekend? Forget about it. I went sledding with Matt and Jacob when I normally would have been learning about the FOIL method, and Matt’s mom even let us go to the big hill at the end of the block so that we could go the fastest. If you think I retained any mathematical information while I was bombing down Closter Street on an old boogie board, you’re a god damned moron.

2. It’s Jamie’s Birthday

What sort of soulless wench would make a carefree child take a test worth 45 whole points on her 12th birthday? Not to mention, Jamie’s been having a really rough time in class after her dad came in for career day and everyone made fun of him for describing himself as a “Professional Inspirer.” I heard from Kathryn, who’s at Jamie’s house like every day, that Jamie’s coming in with birthday treats for everybody to class to try to curry favor and get out of the social doghouse. If that’s the case, you can say so long to that Algebra test and hello to cake pops from Jamie’s mom’s organic bakery.

3. Kyle C Had A Meltdown Last Test

I really shouldn’t have to recap this since anyone who’s anyone should know what happened, but in case you missed it: Kyle C lost his freaking mind during the last Algebra test. He got to the third problem on the first sheet and just started screaming. I’m talking blood curdling shrieks that sounded like the purging of years of pent up aggression and didn’t stop for at least a minute. Mrs. McGillicuddy just sort of sat there in shock at first like the rest of us before calling Officer Frank from security to come get Kyle, but I think she’s wizened up this time around. No shot we have this test unless Kyle C goes to the guidance office or something.

4. Mrs. McGillicuddy Hasn’t Been Wearing Her Wedding Ring Lately

At the beginning of the year, all we heard about before the lesson actually started was how Mrs. McGillicuddy and her husband were going kayaking that weekend or how they tried that new sushi place on Johnston Avenue the other day. Now, when we ask her about what they have coming up, she just looks down with a defeated smile and says she doesn’t know. Look, I know it might not make me a saint to dig into my 6th grade Algebra teacher’s personal life just to get out of a 35 minute test, but I’m all out of options. I have absolutely no idea what the material is. When I told my mom I was studying for today, I was actually on Facetime with my girlfriend from summer camp. She’s really great but she lives super far away so she can’t come over and meet any of my friends which makes things tough. She also doesn’t have Instagram or anything so I can’t show you what she looks like. Long story short, I’m gonna ask Mrs. McGillicuddy if she’s going with her husband to the Winter Wonderland street fair on Main Street and let nature run its course.

5. We Haven’t Gotten Any Of Our Homeworks Graded Yet

It should be common knowledge that you have to get all the homeworks graded before we have to take the test. That’s the way it works in Mr. Williams’s world history class, that’s how it works in Miss Garcia’s chemistry class, that’s just the law of the land. Mrs. McGillicuddy, that hapless oaf, has decided to take her sweet old time on everything we handed in the last few weeks. It’s not as if we just gave her odds and ends either; pages 65-69 of the textbook were due just this past Wednesday, and there weren’t even answers in the back of the book! How are we supposed to know how to solve variable equations if we’re just blindly throwing answers into the wind at home? Ridiculous.

6. There’s That Big Assembly After Class

This is Mrs. McGillicuddy’s 9th year teaching here. She’d have to be an absolute rube to believe that all 23 of us in her 3rd period class will be focused on her test knowing full well that immediately afterwards we’re heading to the multipurpose room to see Dan Gutman talk about his new book. After Ms. Schlipp gave us all copies of Honus & Me to read over winter break to prep for this assembly, it’s all anybody’s been talking about. I know for a fact that I’ll be sprinting down the hallway (Only to slightly slow down as I pass Mrs. Li’s room since she goes absolutely apoplectic and takes away recess privileges when she sees running in the halls) to try to meet Dan before all the hubbub. If that means I have to leave Mrs. McGillicuddy’s room early, so be it, and I’d have to imagine Ethan, Evan, and Eli all feel the same way as I do. So good luck with that test Mrs. M, because there’s no way we’ll actually take it until at least next week.

November Horoscopes


This is your season, Scorpio. The four weeks out of every year wherein you are operating at peak performance. You are Mariah Carey's bank account the minute Halloween is over. This is your final form. As a Scorpio, you are characteristically a heinous bitch who drives away everyone they love and care about, but now, since your season has hit, you have an excuse! So start unnecessary beef with your roommate! Slash the tires of every Good Uncle van on campus! Throw a brick through the window of Tri Delt! On November 6th Uranus passes through the constellation Aries, bringing an unexpected surprise. Perhaps something unexpected or surprising will pass through Uranus, who knows! On November 16th, Mercury will go into retrograde, driving anyone who gives a shit about astrology into a full scale mental and emotional collapse until December 6th. Will anything actually happen at all? Maybe not. But will you be able to blame a planet that is 48 million miles away if anything does? Absolutely. Your season ends on the 22nd meaning all you edgy, goth Scorpio bitches are gonna have to slink back into your hot topic 2015 aesthetic and let the Sagittarii take over. On the 23rd a full moon occurs in Gemini, so watch out for that bird! When there’s a full moon, it’s important to stay on your toes! Your RA is gonna try to sell you coke and then write you up if you say yes. Don’t fall for his tricks! On November 27th Venus will oppose Uranus, bringing shocks and surprises. Perhaps something will bring shocks and surprises to Uranus! Good luck in Sagittarius season! Maybe their fun-loving energy will counteract your seasonal depression! See you in December! Xoxo Luna Starchild


Oh Sagittarius, you beautiful free spirit. Much like Logan Reese from Zoey 101, nobody finds you particularly hot, but everyone would still smash. You’re a perfectionist, so if you had to blow your anthropology professor you would. Luckily, you’ve got all B’s so far and can probably maintain that. More luck is coming your way as Jupiter, the lucky planet, enters your sign on November 8th, where it will stay for the next year. This is huge! Play the lottery, invest in stocks, suck a dick! That lucky streak just will not stop. Also, people from all signs will generally feel the Sagittarius spirit until Jupiter enters someone else, which means everyone is down try new things; namely, anal. So stock up on water-based lubricants and lay down a towel. Thank the stars, your dry spell is up when Venus ends her retrograde on November 16th. You can start taking your birth control again! Your season starts on the 22nd, so keep your eyes peeled for a pretty brunette to wife up or a handsome ham to roast. It’s your time! Rent a DVD from an adult bookstore and go to town on yourself! Sagittarii are traditionally exempt from “No Nut November”, so feel free to draw the shades and get to know yourself a little better while the fourth season of Zoey 101 plays on your laptop in the background. Neptune ends her retrograde and gets the fuck back in line on November 24th, so focus on self care. Make yourself a face mask from the ashes of Chancellor Syverud’s late dog Lucky. There’s only enough for about a dozen face masks, so if you’re reading this: HURRY! Get to 300 Comstock Avenue and run up the chancellor’s driveway! Knock thrice on the side door and chant “Lucky Lucky -- Skin so soft! Bring me pores like Laura Croft!” See you in December Saggii! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Buckle up, you stupid bitch! You’re a Capricorn so you say you don’t actually believe in any of this. You’re pretending like you were just curious, but we got you bitch you love this shit. You love when anyone talks about you at all, but you’re not going to admit that because you’re stubborn. Honestly you’re the woooooorst, but you’re roughly 1/12 of my audience, so I’m going to write this for you anyway. There’s a new moon on the 7th and new moons bring clean slates, so maybe you can stop eating all your roommate’s goddamn food for once. Additionally, consider this new beginning as a chance to forget the time you answered a facetime from your mom and dad while you were getting your dick sucked in the downstairs bathroom of Hendrick’s Chapel. They forgive you; they know what it means to be an Orangeman. On November 15th, Mars enters Pisces, bringing a shift in energy surrounding your workload. Pisces’s influence usually means you will be finding creative solutions to your problems, but because you’re a fucking Capricorn you’re about as creative as Tyler Perry brainstorming Madea sequels, so that doesn’t mean shit to you. November 23rd brings a full moon in Gemini. Communication will be a big theme on this day, meaning there’s a chance Drake Bell is finally going to reveal he’s a white supremacist. Also, your professor will think it’s okay to use homophobic and racial slurs in an academic context. Try to communicate to them that it really isn’t. On November 26th and 27th, the Sun, Mercury and Venus align, putting everyone in the mood to gossip. Also, this will full the prophecy…so prepare for the battle as it has been foretold. See you in December you fucking pricks. XOXO Luna Starchild.


Aquarius, I love you watery fuckers with all my heart. Much like a well-made dildo, you are inherently flexible, but your indomitable strength allows you to get the job done, and done well. This month will be a lot like all the other months, except this time the planets are doing some wacky shit! On November 6th, Uranus, your ruling planet, enters aggressive and domineering Aries, potentially making you, and Uranus, more aggressive and domineering in many aspects of your life. The last time this happened was the springtime, meaning a lot of emotions and themes of the spring will resurface. Maybe SZA is back! Maybe your sister will get another abortion! Who knows! On November 9th Venus connects with Mars, bringing passionate energy. Venus has been in retrograde since September, bringing a pervasive dry spell to almost everyone, so this will be your only time to fuck until the planet of love comes out of retrograde on November 16th. Jupiter enters Sagittarius on November 8th, where it will stay for almost a year. This means big news is coming, so stock up on juul pods because they’re definitely going to lose that lawsuit. On November 22nd Sagittarius season starts, meaning everyone will be in a more adventurous and bold mood, just in time for Thanksgiving! You are, at your core, a humanitarian, so perhaps this will give you the courage to finally try to explain institutional racism to your 60-year-old Irish catholic uncle over a nice lukewarm plate of canned cranberry sauce. In the true stubborn Aquarius spirit, you won’t rest until he gets so flustered he keys the word “libtard” into your Honda civic. On November 26th and 27th, the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter align, bringing juicy gossip and inflated egos. Kayla is going to try to take advantage of your friendly and lovely nature. Fuck you, Kayla! Your taste in music isn’t as edgy as you think it is! See you in December you beautiful Aquarius, XOXO Luna Starchild.


Welcome to Scorpio season, Pisces. Scorpio is a water sign like you, meaning you like the season because it makes everyone feel more like the blubbering, emotional baby you are on a daily basis. When people think of Pisces, they think of a sentient stream of tears, and they’re not wrong! That is very much who you are. Since Venus has been in retrograde for a while, you’ve been having a lot of issues concerning intimacy and trust. More are on the way. If you’re a freshman, you’ll be recruited to audition for FYP. This is a trap! The trickster planet Pluto is trying to turn you into a fucking loser! The sun connects with your ruling planet, Neptune, on November 6th. You’ll be feeling extra cute and creative on that day so make a questionable fashion decision or pick out a fresh, even quirkier Office quote in your Tinder bio. Your other planetary master, Jupiter switches from Scorpio into Sagittarius at the beginning of the month. This hasn’t happened since 2007, which means last time you felt the Sagittarius spirit you were cranking that Soulja Boy all the way through the desolate halls of your shitty suburban elementary school to distract you from the crippling impact of your parent’s divorce. I promise it’ll be a lot better this time, Pisces. Sagittarius will bring immense popularity to your life for the next year, so you’ll definitely get the big solo at your acapella group’s next invitational. You will receive a huge burst of energy when Mars enters your sign on the 15th. Keep your eyes open for three white horses…when you see them, the time has come. Mercury retrograde will hit on November 16th, causing all sorts of issues surrounding communication and travel. Danny DeVito will definitely steal all the tires off your car while you’re parked at a rest stop on your way home to Westchester County for Thanksgiving break, and even worse, all your professors will refer to Thanksgiving as “Turkey Day”. Yuck! No thank you, Mercury! A full moon in Gemini on November 23rd will bring up topics surrounding your family and home life. You know what that means! Your stepdad is going to try to bond with you again while you’re home for break, but since Mercury is in retrograde it’s just going to be super weird for everyone involved. Sure this month is going to be chaotic, but you got this Pisces! See you in December, XOXO Luna Starchild.


Aries! You’re a goat! HA HA that fucking sucks. It’s Scorpio season, and you and Scorpio are both ruled by Mars, meaning it’s practically your sister sign. But sometimes you fucking hate Scorpios and they make you miserable, just like your actual sister! Emotionally, Scorpio season is exceedingly turbulent for you, so buckle the fuck up and let’s do some soul-searching! Uranus reenters your sign on November 6th, which means you’ll be feeling spontaneous. Uranus is always up for something wild and new, so do something special for Uranus! Mercury goes into retrograde on the 16th so don’t be surprised if your laptop starts playing very graphic porn in front of your elderly grandmother while you try to play the quirky family thanksgiving slideshow your mom spent hours preparing on iMovie. Not cool, Mercury! Sagittarius season starts on the 22nd, meaning everyone will be feeling the whimsical and adventurous Sagittarius spirit again. Maybe you’ll go to ZBT instead of Phi Delt this time. Maybe you’ll try some of that acid your roommate bought on craigslist. Maybe a wise old wizard will approach you, gift you an enchanted sword and send you on a quest to melt the frozen heart of the ice troll who lives at the bottom of Lake Onondaga. Maybe you will fall in love with and eventually marry said ice troll. She’s a bit of a handful but I think she’ll appreciate your signature Aries hardheadedness. Dramatically cast that enchanted sword aside! This Sagittarius season could be so good for you! Neptune is currently in retrograde, but it will get the fuck back in line on the 24th where it will then appear in the constellation Pisces. This is very psychically significant, so pay close attention to your dreams. They could be trying to tell you something! Yes, even the ones where you piss yourself in front of Miranda Cosgrove and wake up sobbing, there’s a message hidden there. Jupiter and Mercury connect on November 27th, which means there could be exciting conversations taking place. Perhaps the higher-ups at Humor Whore will finally green-light your shitty dining hall-themed Black Eyed Peas cover, “Boom Boom Chow”. No one will think it’s funny, but congrats, I guess! Anyway, have a great November you stupid goat. XOXO Luna Starchild


Strong, stubborn, proud, genocidal. All of these words have been used to describe Tauruses, especially the most famous Taurus of all: Hitler! Yeah, you’re the same sign as that guy. Bummer! It’s okay though because George Lopez is also a Taurus, and his groundbreaking performance in Sharkboy and Lavagirl more than makes up for it. Your planetary ruler, Venus, has been in retrograde since October so no, your seasonal depression hasn’t been setting in early, it’s just silly old Venus! That retrograde will end on the 16th, but don’t worry Mercury starts its retrograde on that day so you’ll still have an excuse to look, feel, and act like a piece of shit. You may be feeling anxious about your future at the beginning of this month. Is your career as a soundcloud rapper actually sustainable? Is your dad really going to marry your best friend from middle school? Will your family let you juul at the dinner table during thanksgiving so you can fuel your nicotine addiction? The future is a daunting concept, but you’ve got this, Taurus! Jupiter will enter Sagittarius on November 7th, which hasn’t happened since 2007. This means the energy you’ll be feeling in the next year will lead to immense growth. Last time this happened, Britney Spears shaved her head and smashed a car window with an umbrella. THAT’S the energy I’m talking about, and look how much she grew! We’re proud of you, Britney. She really took Jupiter in Sagittarius and ran with it. A full moon will arrive in Gemini on the 23rd. Full moons typically bring things to a fever pitch, especially things related to sex and money. Your dedication to No Nut November may be in jeopardy; however, if you’re a No Nut November participant, odds are no one is trying to have sex with you anyway, so you’re in the clear. Venus opposes Uranus on the 27th, prompting a change in your daily habits. Uranus is always in need of a change! Maybe you’ll finally finish that Al Gore/George W. Bush erotic novel you started writing in seventh grade. Your Wattpad subscribers have been waiting for far too long for a new installment. Appreciate the burst of energy this November will bring, because this is best you’ll feel until the sun comes back for those three days in May. See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Aw my lovely little two-faced, self-absorbed, insufferable, Gemini bitches. Scorpio season has you crossing a lot off your to-do list. Maybe you’ll finally send your stupid grandma a thank-you note for that dumb fucking birthday card she sent you back in June. Giver her a piece of your mind! Or maybe this time you’ll get around to telling Trent from Theta Chi that he’s DEFINITELY been exposed to chlamydia and should probably stop by health services. Or maybe you’ll banish that sock gremlin nesting underneath your bed once and for all! Good thing you’re getting your shit together now because your life will certainly fall to pieces when Mercury turns retrograde on the 16th. You’re already the Caillou of your friend group, but when your ruling planet goes into retrograde you become even more of a whiny, spoiled, attention-seeking bald idiot than you already are. That’s right! You’ll literally lose all your hair. Goodbye, tasteful ombre highlights! Jupiter enters Sagittarius at the beginning of the month, meaning the next year will be incredibly lucky for you! Last time this happened it was 2007 and Matt Damon was declared the sexiest man alive. Could that have happened without lucky Jupiter in Sagittarius? No fucking way. On the 15th, Mars enters Pisces, bringing success in your career. Don’t be surprised if Thad’s uncle finally thinks you’re hot enough to be a caddy at his country club this summer! Neptune ends its retrograde on the 24th bringing a lot of creative energy. So, if your arm falls off, do something creative with it! Replace it with a pool noodle or throw it on the Christmas tree or maybe leave it on the side of the road so someone can make a murder mystery podcast about it. Try to keep your ego in check during Sagittarius season, which starts on the 22nd. However, that could be very hard for you because your ego is even bigger than FYP’s collective boner anytime someone so much as hums a Hamilton song. Anyway, this month is sure to be an interesting one so make sure to post about on your finsta frequently. It’s the only way to cope. See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Oh cancer, our resident sad boy of the zodiac. Your favorite genre of music is most likely vaporwave or some other shitty genre that normal people just don’t “get”. You’re the deep, sensitive indie boy that everyone has a crush on but who no one will actually pursue because there’s definitely something sus going on with you for sure. Scorpio season is typically a sexy time for most of us, but since you and Scorpio are both water signs, that is especially true for you. After all, getting laid is the true spirit of Thanksgiving, so be sure to make your sex life a little more festive and use a dried corn husk as a condom; if you’re feeling extra bold, maybe try a cornucopia! The next year will be a big one for you professionally, thanks to Jupiter entering Sagittarius on November 8th. Use that energy to make impressive strides in your career! Jupiter was last in Sagittarius in 2007, otherwise known as the year Zoey 101 was canceled because Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant at 16. This was so significant for her career, because if that never happened how would she have made such a seamless transition into the glamorous life of a country music star with her hit 2016 single “Sleepover”? That was also the year Fergie showed us all her sensitive side with “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. So basically, your big break is right around the corner! On November 23rd, an exhausting full moon arrives in Gemini. You’ll be so emotionally drained you won’t even notice your roommate’s new face tattoo, and she’ll be really fucking upset about it. Make sure to snap out of it before you line up at Walmart to break some middle aged collar bones for a discounted Nintendo Switch, you’ll really have to be on your toes for that! On November 27th, the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter align, so expect big news! This might be the day Governor Cuomo finally makes improv comedy illegal in the state of New York. It’s about time! Someone has to stop those zany fuckers from constantly flopping around the stage yelling fart jokes in a weird accent. Anyway, hope you have a fun November, Cancer, and if you don’t you’ll probably just write some sad indie song about it with your acoustic guitar. See you in December, XOXO Luna Starchild.


Oh Leo, you truly are the Victoria Justice of the Zodiac. Talented, pretty, and under the impression that you were going to be the breakout star in life, except everyone knows it was really Ariana Grande all along. Scorpio season usually has you in a quieter mood with a particular desire to connect with your family, especially your weird uncle. You know, the one with the eye patch. He’s probably got some stories to tell. You’ll also be feeling more emotional at the beginning of the month, so stock up on tissues and put Blink-182’s “I Miss You” on repeat because you deserve a good cry! When Mars enters Pisces on November 15th, you’ll find yourself engulfed by intense passionate energy. You know what that means, Usher is going to give you herpes again! Good thing Neptune ends its retrograde in Pisces on the 24th, which means that’ll be a great time to heal. Get that weird scab checked out! That shit’s definitely sooo infected! Jupiter enters fellow fire sign Sagittarius at the beginning of the month bringing a huge opportunity for growth over the next year. Who knows how many additional limbs you’ll grow throughout the year, the possibilities are endless! Sagittarius season, which starts on the 22nd, is overall a very fun time for you and I promise this Sag season will be much even better than the last one when there was that incident at Ashley’s lake house. I know what you did, and so do the stars. A climactic full moon in Gemini on the 23rd will likely mean big things for your love life, but it could also have you cutting off bad friends and finally prioritizing yourself in your relationships. For example, if your friend is always saying weird shit about immigrants, eating canned tuna with her fingers all the time, or making a scene at your bat mitzvah, maybe it’s time to let her go. Mars connects with Saturn on the 27th, which may help you work through a problem that hasn’t been going as smoothly as you had hoped. This would be a good time to confront your roommate about all those dark rituals he’s been doing in your apartment because clearly your passive aggressive post-it notes are not working. Besides all the pigs’ blood he’s been using is starting to make all your surfaces even stickier than usual and not in a good way. Anyway, use all this positive energy to your advantage, Leo! See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild


Haha stupid virgins. If you could fuck a to-do list, you probably would. Also, you exhibit a keen attention to detail and you’re pretty fucking annoying about it. You’re the type of person who would say “the sky” every time someone asked you “what’s up” when you were a kid. Yeah you’re that fucking annoying, but I can’t shit on you too much because my mom’s a Virgo and she’d get mad. This month, Jupiter enters Sagittarius on the 8th, which will bring significant blessings to your family life throughout the next year. Maybe your little brother’s xbox will burst into flames so he can stop degrading your family with his constant Fortnite dancing, or maybe your sister will marry that prince from Luxembourg she’s been talking to on Facebook Messenger. Who knows! Mars enters Pisces on the 15th, highlighting the sector of your birth chart that rules relationships. Clearly this means that guy from tinder you ghosted last spring is back, except now he has a goatee. Yuck! Or maybe it means the next girl you grope on the dance floor at Phi Delt is the one! Aw, I’m happy for you two. Don’t expect that positive energy to last though, because your ruling planet, Mercury, goes into retrograde on the 16th. This means your life will be in absolute shambles until retrograde ends on December 6th. Don’t be surprised if you suddenly start vomiting slugs all over your white IKEA carpet. Sorry Virgo, I know you’re a clean freak but this is just one of those things you’re going to have to deal with. Weird stuff just oozes from our orifices from time to time, and more often than not, Mercury retrograde is to blame. Sagittarius season, which starts on the 22nd has you focused on your friends and family, particularly Brett. That stunt he pulled at your uncle’s water polo invitational last Sagittarius season was unacceptable, and if you’re not careful, he might try it again. Tell him it is totally not okay for him to shit in the pool during the final match no matter how much of a sore loser he is! Anyway, this November promises to be full of struggles and surprises for you, but you kinda deserve it, Virgo. See you in December! XOXO Luna Starchild.


Libra, you are unarguably the best sign of the Zodiac. So much poise. So much compassion. So many ghosted tinder matches. Scorpio season usually has you focused on money and finances, so odds are you’ll probably fall victim to at least one pyramid scheme. Make sure to pick a good one! Also, this could be a good time to treat yourself to some really expensive but really hideous clothing. Venus retrograde ends on November 16th so maybe that crusty guy who looks like a magician will stop asking you to come to his flag football scrimmage. Don’t count on it though, because Mercury goes into retrograde that same day. You know what that means, the parakeet you adopted is going to run away from home! Bye bye Madam Silky Feathers, you will be dearly missed. Also, ignore the small child tapping on the window outside your second floor bathroom in the middle of the night. He has unfinished business on this earth before he may pass on to the after life, but it doesn’t concern you directly—only your residence. Don’t worry about it, it’s just a quirky little Mercury retrograde thing. Jupiter enters Sagittarius on the 8th, which will put you in the mood to travel frequently over the next year. If you really hate yourself, I recommend Reno, Nevada. It truly is a paradise for men who wear their sunglasses on the back of their heads and scream at their bald children in public. A full moon in Gemini occurs on the 23rd sparking a lot of conversation. This also means people will be particularly observant, so whenever you smoke weed this month, everyone around you is going to know that you’re high and stare at you the entire time. Awkward! Sagittarius season starts on the 22nd, so you’ll be feeling extra spiritual and adventurous. Just do us a favor and please stop recommending your homemade essential oils to everyone. They smell like shit and no one cares about their “spiritual healing properties”. Venus counters Uranus on the 27th which is sure to bring changes to your relationships. Uranus is fucking wacky, and you should probably do something about it! A lot of your friendships will be tested during this time, so why not get it all over with and plan a really fucked up Hunger Games-style obstacle course to see who your true friends really are. The ones who survive? They’re the real keepers. Anyway Libra, try not to die over some high-waisted mom jeans at Urban Outfitters on your favorite holiday, Black Friday. Don’t worry though, no one will blame you if you do. It’s how you would have wanted to go. See you in December, beautiful. XOXO Luna Starchild

Tater Tots and Body Shots: 5 Unexpected Combinations That Will Help Boost Your Immune System

2018 is nearly over, and with a new year sometimes comes a new set of resolutions. People love to try new shit that will make them lose weight and their toxins, or whatever, so here’s a list of five snack combinations that will do just that.

  • Tater Tots & Body Shots

When Edward Von Chuggington discovered this recipe a few years before the discovery of the immune system, doctors and scientists were baffled as to how and why it provided so many benefits--and now, even after years of comprehensive studies on the immune system, they still are. Perhaps it is how the crunchy texture of the tater tots pairs with the combination of tequila and sweat that makes this healthy, HIV preventing meal; but perhaps not. Regardless of the actual science between how it do, it is undeniable that it do do.

  • Dayquil & Barton Vodka

A Syracuse University favorite, nothing cures the inevitable, unending sickness that comes with a freezing, going-out filled winter like the classic Dayquil and Barton Vodka on a fine Saturday evening. Whether you’re chasing your Dayquil with Barton, or your Barton with Dayquil, everyone knows how hard it is to get both of these things down your slimy throat--but once you finally do, your cold will be cured, your skin will be clear, and doctors will hate you.

  • Four Cheese Mac and Cheese & Four Loko

It’s hard to find a treatment as beneficial yet cost-effective as the good ol’ Four Cheese Mac and Cheese & Four Loko. Not only does this mix of carbs, dairy, caffeine, and alcohol tickle the taste buds like there’s no tomorrow, but it also has the added benefit of increasing your white blood cell count for the sweet, sweet price of less than $9.99.

  • Bloody Mary & Blood

Popularized by Lady Gaga in 2011, this beverage pairing is ideal for anyone who wants to give off the embodiment of a fierce queen. Procuring blood can be difficult, but if possible blood from someone stronger than you is suggested for strongest results.

  • Rum & Scurvy

Live the life of a pirate on this diet who traces her origins to a simpler time. While scurvy may frighten your average sailor of the 21st century, it is crucial to note that vitamin C deficiencies have a direct correlation with a jacked immune system. Additionally, most nutritionists recommend Captain Morgan Rum specifically. Captain Morgan not only pays homage to this regimen’s humble origins, he also maximizes the white blood cells’ ability to recognize and combat pirate viruses.

Op Ed: Ty Pennington Can Move My Bus-sy Anyday

Ty Pennington, famous for his killer body and for his run as the star of PBS’s erotic

drama, “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”, is constantly moving buses but when will he move

this bussy???

The year was 1998. A man visited me in a dream. The five foot, eleven inches tall figure

whispered, “move that bus” sensually into my ear. I remember feeling the grizzly embrace of his soul patch on my cheek. We then made rigorous love for what felt like a lifetime. Every Time he reached climax, he would yell out his famous call to that lucky, lucky bus. I awoke and was lost for years. Longing to find the soul patch my heart was missing.

Then 2003 came. The year I found him. I stared at the screen as if I had found a piece of

me I thought was forever missing. I had to find him, I had to taste him again.

After the GOP’s letter writing campaign in 2011, Pennington’s silence was deafening.

Eleven of the administration’s highest paid interns spent 6 weeks pleading to him to consider

the benefits of moving this bussy. It was all in vain. It soon became clear that he didn’t care that my asshole was “Bazooka #ad bubblegum pink” or that my “bussy puckered every time it heard his raspy baritone growl.”

The torture, of week after week, hearing him call out to the bus in such a way that left me

inconsolable and drove me wild, was truly unbearable. I wanted so badly to be that bus. I

needed to pop my bussy for him. My bussy has started to control the rest of my body. She is

slowly taking over. I have no control over her. She’s hungry and on the prowl. If Pennington

doesn’t act fast, my bussy will become a matter of national security.

Ty, baby, it’s now or never. Come move this bussy before its too late.

Four Months Ago The Kumquat Exhumed And Taxidermied Lucille Ball. Now Her Children Are Bringing Us To Court

It feels like just yesterday the Kumquat made the honorable and popular decision to exhume the rotted corpse of American TV icon Lucille Ball, but that was four months ago. The reveal of her spiffy, albeit waxy, taxidermy display was a day of great celebration, even if the building had to be evacuated for dangerous levels of formaldehyde vapor and the unbearable stench of Lucille’s liquified organs. Now, it seems like the Kumquat will be facing some legal repercussions for “stealing” the body of the beloved comedian and “desecrating” her remains.

Ball’s children, Desi and Lucie, have come forward with a lawsuit against the Kumquat for 40 million dollars.

“We are beyond disgusted with what the Kumquat has done to our mother’s resting body, even if their content is hilarious, especially on their twitter, @sukumquat” said the Ball siblings in their official statement. “They stole our precious mother’s body from us and even though the final display was actually quite impressive and represented her iconic career beautifully, we can never forgive the Kumquat from robbing her grave and interrupting her eternal rest.”

When asked about their “reprehensible” and “inhumane” actions, representatives from the Kumquat just shrugged with a blank look in their eyes.

“Just kinda… felt like it I guess. I love Lucy” they replied. We could not get any further comments.

No matter their previous motivations, the Kumquat is ready for a fierce legal battle. “We hired Maxwell’s finest to defend us in court. It is our right to have Ms. Ball’s cadaver because we are a comedy group and she was a comedian. Also, we cite the ancient law of Finders-Keepers. We firmly believe that Lucille would have wanted to entertain the masses beyond the grave. A dusty old gravestone does not cut it for our funny queen.”

We look forward to keeping the Syracuse community informed in this dramatic battle that will set many judicial precedents for years to come.

Here Are 6 Songs

  1. Break Your Heart- Taio Cruz. It charted at #2 in Australia in 2009.


2. Ride My See Saw- The Moody Blues. This song was written by the bass player of the band. There are at least two members of the band.


3. Petite Fille- Booba. This song is in French.


4. Dance of the Comedians- Bedřich Smetana. This comes from an opera, so it’s not exactly a real song. The original title would be Tanec Komiků.


5. In Too Deep- Sum 41

The landscape of the music world was forever changed in September of 2001. Sum 41, riding the high of their album All Killer No Filler, were ready to take the pop punk world by storm and boy did they ever. Right off the bat, the listener is treated to a smooth guitar lick, and slowly but surely the other ingredients of this musical masterpiece are introduced. Before long, Deryck Whibley’s youthful drawl hits the airwaves and spins a verbal gem with the opening lines, “The faster we're falling/We're stopping and stalling/We're running in circles again/Just as things we're looking up/You said it wasn't good enough/But still we're trying one more time.”

This song may have come out in the early days of the George W. Bush administration, but its extended metaphor still reigns supremely relatable. At the core of the ballad lies a universal problem: Whibley is going through relationship issues. That’s standard enough. However, what takes this song from good to great is the the comparison of said relationship issues to the sensation of drowning. Seriously, what sort of lyrical maestro comes up with that? Throughout the 207 seconds for which the song runs, the listener is treated to pure poetry about what it feels like to feel the pressure of a love that no longer holds true. By the end of the song, it seems as if Whibley has turned a corner mentally and is ready to move on from the relationship that has kept him emotionally constrained for so long.

The song itself qualifies itself for being here, but it’s the music video for In Too Deep that truly solidifies it as the fifth song on the list. Rodney Dangerfield’s 1986 classic Back To School had just begun to fade from public discourse, and Sum 41 was having absolutely none of that. The band had the artistic gumption to recreate that film’s pivotal diving competition scene, and the gall to make light of the whole situation by not taking their dives seriously! How brave! Sum 41’s In Too Deep meets all the qualifications for being a song, and locks itself into our fifth spot.


6. Soft Winds- Benny Goodman. This song came out less than a year after the Axis invasion of Poland.


Thank Gad: How My Life Has Changed Since the Brave Portrayal of Gay Lefou

Gay Rights are sweeping the nation. From the legalization of Gay Marriage in the US in 2015, to the decriminalization of gay sex in India this past September, it is clear that the pride parade across the globe is unstoppable. But the most important gay ally in this trend is none other than the greatest children’s entertainment corporation: Disney.

As you may know, Disney released a live-action remake of Beauty and the Beast, a heartwarming tale of a book-smart Belle falling in love with an ugly beast. However, this new movie included a fresh modern twist: LeFou, the villain Gaston’s silly sidekick portrayed by Josh Gad, was GAY.

And EXPLICITLY so: for less than a single second, he danced with a man.

When I first saw this celebration of homosexuality in theaters, the crowd burst into uproarious applause. Grown men were reduced to tears. Rainbows shot out from everybody’s palms, and every wig burned up to a crisp.

I know what you must be thinking: I can’t believe how brave Disney is! Well, me neither! For such a large, wealthy, and powerful company to take a risk like that must have taken a lot of guts. Gay people can be quite undesirable these days.

Now, over one year since the release of this movie, my whole worldview has changed. As a fellow Gay, I no longer fear holding my spouse’s hand in public. Anytime I doubt whether its safe to show some same-sex affection, I just remember that Beauty and the Beast grossed $1.3 billion. Public opinion has changed, and homophobia is over!

Overall, I am just so thankful for the representation. Not many people are exposed to the vibrant and colorful experiences of the LBGT+ community, and thanks to a brief reference, I feel visible.  

Baby Monitors Not Just For Babies: The Top 3 People Who Are Also Fun To Listen To While They Sleep!

Mothers use them to care for their tiny tots, but mindless infants can’t provide the entertainment that these colorful characters can!

1. Stepbrother Kevin
He just moved in to the room right next to yours. Not sure of his motivations or intent? Feel like he’s planning to kill you and take your place in your dad’s heart? A baby monitor will let your mind be at ease, while also allowing you to enjoy his superior taste in music!

2. My Freshman Year Roommate
At first, her quirky habit of gnashing her teeth in her sleep annoyed me. I could practically hear her bones being ground to powder all night. I got used to it soon enough, but then I started to actively enjoy it. The rhythmic chomping would lull me to sleep, like a heartbeat would for a puppy. Now, I can’t seem to get a restful night in without it. Recommend 100%!

3. Clint Eastwood
Once a gun-slinging icon, now a decaying sack of bones! No one can really snore quite as much as he can, and if you listen very closely, he will quote some of his iconic films such as Trouble With The Curve (2012) and Honkytonk Man (1982). Once, a dedicated fan even heard him take his four Oscars with him to the bathroom, so the “bed monster wouldn’t take over.” Nice!

8 Fun Crafts To Do This Fall Break That Will Help You Finally Move Past the Disappearance of Your Infant Son

My beautiful infant son James may have gone missing, but I’m here to share with you my favorite fall crafts that are also perfect coping mechanisms!

1. Autumn Leaf Wreath



Hanging this on your door will welcome autumn to the whole house! If only it was a home and not an empty shell, but decorating for the seasons helps with ‘leaving the past behind,’ as my therapist says.

2. Hand turkeys



A classic craft for Fall Fun- cute and simple enough for any infant! James would have loved this, painting was his favorite activity. I can reclaim the small simple things, like painting, to normalcy. It will help me build a new life.

3. Pile of Leaves



Great for a doorstep, and will even cushion the fall of a sweet baby boy, if he could still play and run. But he can’t.

4. Hand Acorns



James’ small hands would have made perfect little acorns… but I will never see them grow into mighty oaks.

5. Paper plate owl



Maybe if I hung this festive owl by the crib, I would have remembered to lock the window. Oh god, James, this is all my fault.

6. Hand spiders



I can sometimes still hear his cry coming from his room… Some days, I can wake up and forget that he was taken away from me, but it all comes rushing back when I go to feed him. I painted his nursery yellow. Yellow is supposed to symbolize security and happiness. Now it just mocks the emptiness in my heart. Every day is a living hell rife with grief and guilt.

7. Leaf pressings



With a little paint, these leaves make beautiful prints after you press them against the paper, just like I used to press my boy against my heart.

8. Hand pumpkins



This adorable little gourd just shouts ‘Fall!’

5 Tips to Help You if Your Decorations Come to Life

We’ve all been there: You spend hours carefully decorating your home for that special holiday, making sure each and every knick knack is in the perfect spot, only for your hard work to become ruined after your decorations become alive. It has become rampant this Halloween season. Mobile and conscious décor can wreak absolute havoc on a household! Should this happen to you, here are some tips that will help you out:

1. Use some cowboy techniques to get back in control!

If your home adornments get out of hand, wrangle them like a cowboy would! You can herd the more docile pieces into a corral to keep them contained while you tackle the bigger and more aggressive displays with your trusty lasso. If you are a little rusty on lassoing, then you can just challenge the alpha decoration to a duel. They have a great deal of honor so they will take you up on the duel and play by your established rules.

2. Steal a page out of the Pied Piper’s book!

Thankfully, most live décor can be soothed with the power of music. They prefer wind instruments over string instruments, but anything will do if your tune is good enough. Make sure to prance out of your house into the nearest forest while playing your instrument to relocate your decorations. If you do not live near a forest, most sewers will do. Once you get far enough away from your home, place the instrument on the ground and back away slowly. The pests will sure want to examine the instrument, giving you just enough time to ditch them.

3. Go undercover!

Sometimes it is best to do a job from the inside. Wear a silly mask or gaudy wreath on your head to fit in with the decorations. Act just like they do and mirror their actions. Once they forget that you are not one of them, strike. Seize control of the pack by beating the alpha into submission, then recite a moving speech that will inspire the rest into following you. At this point, you have an army of slaves that will do as you command.

4. Rap battle!

One way to defeat the sentient décor is to challenge the aforementioned alpha to a rap battle. This tip is a little riskier because if the alpha realizes that they do not have a voice box or lungs to rap with, they will become offended by your challenge and eat your children (or pets). However, once both of you shake hands to battle, you only need the simplest rhyme to conquer to alpha.

5. Befriend them!

Have you ever stopped to think how cool it is that your decorations are alive? The last strategy is to just ‘roll with it’ and befriend your decorations! Offer the alpha a strand of your hair (this can be from any part of your body) and compliment their color. You will immediately gain their trust and love so be careful with their hearts. A friendship so unique and rare should be treasured. Be compassionate, honest, respectful, and make sure they know you appreciate them. In time you will form an unbreakable bond with your decorations and they will be with you through thick and thin.

7 Sex Positions That Will Certainly Not Work on an XL Twin Bed so Don’t Even Worry About it

1. The Bricklayer

The woman puts her chest on the bed and spreads her legs as much as possible while the man positions himself… okay well… maybe if we just… I don’t think this one is going to work on this XL twin bed. The minimal space does not really lend itself for this kind of thing.

2. The Sinking Titanic

Alright here we go. The woman lies on her back and holds the back of her knees to her chest. The man faces the opposite direction of his partner facing downwards. Now the man enters slowly and… ah jeez. Maybe just turn a little bit? Closer but I’m not sure if… is this it? Does that feel right? Maybe we can try this one later?

3. Reverse Moroccan Nightmare

Oh boy. This one looks tough. The man puts his hands on the ground and lays his torso at a 45 degree angle facing downward. The woman slides her… oh wow. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe if we move the desk next to the bed? No? Just unplug everything in the outlet and put the lamp somewhere. The closet I guess? Somewhere safe. Now move the cup of pens! Oh shit. Don’t worry about it, I will pick them up later. So I guess we… Christ can we just move onto the next one?

4. The Herb Alpert

No. Fuck that. Next?

5. The Stretch Limo


6. The 2002 Bobsled Accident

How do you.. where is my…? This is not gonna happen.

7. The St. Louis Crop Duster

Ow! I think I just twisted my ankle! Goddamn it. My ankle hurts like a bitch. I am done. Is there one where I can just lie down the whole time? I will not go to yoga just to have sex. Let’s just finish that episode of Mad Men and call it a night.

Despite the Fact You Never Took a Quiz, You are Kevin from The Office and You Know Why

You got Kevin!

You and Kevin have a lot in common, but there is one particular reason that you are Kevin. If not for that reason, we probably would have given you Stanley or maybe Meredith. Hell, Oscar was a close 4th. But there is that one reason which makes you Kevin. Do not fight us on this. You got what you deserve. We chose not to tell everyone the reason and you are welcome. It does not matter if you think you are a Pam or Jim or Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration. It does not matter if you have never seen The Office. Guess what? You are Kevin. You can accept it, or you can deny it. Still, you are Kevin. You have always been Kevin. You will always be Kevin. Get used to it, Kevin.

5 Gross Habits I Do That I Bet None of You Actually Do

1. Picking the grime out of my fingernails and sprinkling it onto my food for seasoning. 

This is pretty gross but I seriously do this, don’t even act like you do this too.

2. Sneaking into the kitchens of restaurants and licking the excess food off of plates.

There is absolutely NO WAY that you do this so don’t even pretend. Don’t even share this article. You have no idea.

3. Not showering for 2 weeks and then rubbing hand sanitizer all over my dirty spots.

This is disgusting. I even feel gross doing it, but I do it. All the time. I know that you don’t.

4. Spilling condiments on my shirt and sucking them out of the threads.

I don’t care if it’s mustard, ketchup, mayo, or whatever. I do this so I can satisfy my taste buds, AND get the stain right outta my shirt! I’ve never witnessed anybody else do this, so there is absolutely no way that you have. Don’t share this article acting like you have because that would just be lying.

5. Licking the keyboards of computers in public libraries.

I don’t even know why I do this one. I guess it’s just a little quirk I have. And there’s absolutely no fuckin’ way you do this too. Don’t take this from me, okay? This is my thing.

Thanks for reading and please DON’T share unless you want everyone to know you’re a damn liar.

Local Man Says Wonder Woman Was Just “okay”, Gets Stabbed in the Neck with a Hot Topic Pin

SYRACUSE, NY– After watching justice get dished out on the big screen at Destiny USA’s screening of Wonder Woman on Thursday, local film connoisseur Greg Norton had his own personal brand of justice thrust upon him in the form of a feminist gang attack behind the theater’s parking lot. After rumors surfaced that Norton thought the awe-inspiring film was “just ok”, attackers began to pummel the man with a beat-down the Amazing Amazonian would surely be proud of.

“We knew we had to do something”, said longtime female justice warrior Gert Adams, shortly after grabbing her pastel colored rose pin from Hot Topic and stabbing Greg in the neck, “because if this kind of slander becomes acceptable in today’s society, then we are no better than the vile monsters Ms. Woman was so gracefully defeating in the film.” Adams later mentioned that she began to plan the attack with her fellow sisters around the movie’s thirty-minute mark, when Norton casually remarked that lead actress Gal Gadot was really hot.

Finally, after catching Norton glance at his cell phone multiple times during a critical scene and not even attempt to give a standing ovation, the ladies decided they had seen enough. They began to assail in waves, moving in quickly after group leader Becky Pederson clotheslined Norton once he turned the corner into the parking lot. Norton squealed like a stunned cow before a slaughter, but it was too late to stave off the blows of the angry moviegoers, who ironically seemed to be landing strikes with near superhuman strength.

The police department eventually arrived after receiving word of Norton’s distress, and somewhat reluctantly arrested several of the women who participated in the assault, noting that if their roles were reversed, they probably would have whooped his ass too. Before he meekly limped away to his 1993 Toyota Supra, we were able to catch up with the battered man, who simply said he regretted attending the film, and that he’d better cancel his plans to see Reese Witherspoon’s romantic comedy Home Again before his attackers were released.

Crisis: A Barista Handed Me A Drink and Said “Amelia, That’s For You!” With Such Confidence That I’m No Longer Sure Whether My Name Was Ever Erica

Erica Thompkins, SU Sophomore.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I like to stop by a local coffee shop to grab a triple ristretto upside-down soy salted caramel latte-macchiato before my 8am lecture. It’s always packed, and they never get my name right. Usually it’s just “Erika” instead of “Erica,” but when the barista handed out my signature drink (complete with a design in the foam) and belted out “Amelia, that’s for you!” with Earth-shaking confidence and authority, I was certain I was the one who was mistaken all these years, and my name had always been Amelia.

Of course, after I came to my senses, I called my parents to ask them what they named me, but they must not have been home at the time, or perhaps they aren’t my parents but the parents of someone I once knew named “Erica.” If you know me, please reach out to me and help me figure this out.

Amelia Thompkins is a Sophomore Warehouse Lighting Design Major. She was interviewed by The Kumquat on September 20th, 2017.