EXCLUSIVE: Kenan Thompson to Announce Presidential Bid at Family Weekend Standup Set

Students are buzzing over Kenan Thompson’s scheduled appearance at Syracuse University’s Goldstein Auditorium on Sept. 25.

But little do they know that Thompson’s antics have just begun.

For years, Thompson has been a staple of our screens, mastering the role of ‘The Funny Token Black Guy’ on “Saturday Night Live.” But now, Thompson wants to go beyond being ‘The Funny Token Black Guy’, and strives to be just ‘The Serious Token Black Guy.’

How will he attain this serious image? He will follow the examples set by media icons Donald Trump, the MacAfee guy and Kanye West. He will run for President of the United States.

We should expect Thompson to inform us of this groundbreaking announcement during his standup show during Family Weekend, The Kumquat has learned.

Sources within Thompson’s inner circle, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed to The Kumquat some components of Thompson’s platform, which will run on the statement, “What Up with That?”

Kim Davis refusing to give same-sex couples marriage licenses: What up with that?

Income inequality: What up with that?

Police brutality: What up with that?

Thompson is the only candidate not afraid to see these issues, and ask, what exactly is up with them.

In office, he plans to utilize his famous impressions of Steve Harvey, Reverend Al Sharpton, Alex Treblack, Martin Luther King Jr, and yes, even Bill Cosby, to look at issues from different perspectives, sources within Thompson’s campaign said.

So when you cast a vote for Thompson, you are not just voting for one guy, but for all 108 of his impressions.

“He’s the kind of president who will be able to tell a burger apart from a Good Burger. That is what’s going put Thompson in the White House,” a source within Thompson’s campaign said.

Inspiring! Meet The Newhouse Student Who Interns For Himself

Spring break is upon us. For some, that means beaches, booze, and maxing out Daddy’s credit card. But for those of us with a future, it means the swift arrival of the deadline to apply for summer internships. The competition is fierce–many students wind up settling for internships that provide little real-world experience, or they simply don’t get one at all. But one brave Newhouse student has dared to challenge all that. Meet Dawson Josephs: the first ever self-employed intern.

The Kumquat: So, Dawson. What inspired you to make this radical move in the face of such a dominant academic custom?

Dawson Josephs: Well, to be honest, I was really banking on interning for Viacom this summer. But I forgot to delete all the pictures of me drinking champagne with the boys at our Oscars party on Facebook, so they denied me. But then I thought of my dad, who runs his own custom birdhouse business from our basement, and thought to myself: ‘Heck, if Dad can be his own boss, why can’t I be my own intern?’ And from there, I just ran with it.

The Kumquat: Truly revolutionary. Could you walk us through an average day in the office as your own intern?

Dawson Josephs: Well, I always make sure to show up to work on time, since I’m pretty strict about punctuality. Then I’ll make a run to Starbucks and get my usual order: a grande caramel macchiato with skim milk—can’t forget the skim milk, otherwise I’ll be passive aggressive to myself all day. Since I’m the social media intern, I’ll normally log onto Facebook, check the most recent likes and views on my page, track the successes and failures of certain posts, and calculate the amount of online impressions I’ve made in the past week. It can be stressful because I am usually breathing down my own neck, making sure I’m not just surfing the web…you know how college kids are. Besides that, I don’t do too much—sometimes I have to go to the post office and pick up packages for myself, or make copies of different reports and memos that I need for the archives.

The Kumquat: That sounds great! Is the internship paid?

Dawson Josephs: Well, no, but I think it’s worth it just for the experience. I’m learning valuable skills that are truly essential for making it in this industry. And that in itself is worth more than the money, in my opinion.

The Kumquat: Would you recommend self-interning to other students in your position?

Dawson Josephs: Absolutely. I get to make my own hours, determine my own day-to-day tasks, and completely exploit myself as a source of free labor. It’s really the best of both worlds.

The Kumquat: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with us, Dawson. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Dawson Josephs: Anytime. I best be getting back to the office anyways, I’m pretty anal about letting the interns take breaks.

5 Classes You HAVE To Take If You Don’t Care About Your Education and Want An Easy A

Let’s face it—it’s been a rough semester. Sure, you have to eventually complete that psychology minor, but don’t you deserve a break? Save yourself a pleading Facebook status and use the The Kumquat‘s compilation of the easiest classes on the market, guaranteed to hoist up that abysmal GPA.

HNR 430: Seminar: A Survey of Self-Appreciation

Honors students, think about yourself for once in this refreshingly intimate seminar class. Tuesdays and Thursdays, students will participate in an 80-minute round of applause celebrating their academic achievements to date, with a one credit self high-fiving lab on Wednesdays.

BIO 392: The Chemistry of Breath: Assessment of The Biochemical Conversion of Oxygen to Carbon Dioxide

Join our award-winning faculty in participating in the joys of inhalation and exhalation. Engage in an interactive learning environment dedicated to fostering hands-on experience with oxygen-to-carbon dioxide conversion. 

Prerequisite: Open to living terrain-based organisms only.

CHE 236: The Mysteries of Pigment: Study of Paint Desiccation

Marvel at the wonders of chemistry in this practical research course. Learn real-world acute observation techniques each week as a new layer of paint is applied to the walls of the lecture hall, all the while documenting the changes in moisture levels in comprehensive lab reports. 

SOM 210: Intro to Parental Finance Management

Whitman majors and minors may enroll in this fast-paced crash course in executive monetary control over your parents’ finances.  Learn how to spend, manage, document, and spend your household’s entire net income. A monthly Rolex show-and-tells and networking events break up the curriculum to create a well-rounded understanding of business basics. 

ETS 270: How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?

Well, how many?

Fascinating! These Two Tri-Delt Girls Physically Merged Together To Form A Highly Efficient Hybrid: The UniDelt

A recent advancement in biotechnology caused quite a buzz this week at Syracuse University when juniors Trisha Burns and Ashley Wolfson changed the concept of human efficiency forever. The result of their experiment: the surgical fusion of their individual bodies into one conducive being – or as they are affectionately called, The UniDelt.

Burns and Wolfson, who both hail from Northern New Jersey, are proud sisters of the Delta Delta Delta sorority. Upon beginning their junior year at Syracuse, they realized that they were simply sick of living independent lives. Inspiration struck during one of their Intro to Anatomy lectures.

“We figured that our anatomy professor would be the best person to approach regarding our dissatisfaction,” said Burns and Wolfson. “He was more than willing to help us in achieving our ultimate dream of being literally the same person.”

The Unidelt, who now goes by Trashley, reports that the two have always had a special bond. They take all the same classes, eat all the same meals, have all the same friends, see the same hairdresser at Garbos, and always accompany each other to the restroom. They even get sick on the same days and have been known to finish each other’s sentences.

“We thought, ‘Why not bleed the same blood at this point?” Trashley said. “Sneeze the same mucus? Excrete the same waste?’ To physically merge into a single living entity just made sense, from an efficiency standpoint,”

Wearing the same black vans, black tights, and black American Apparel hoodie every day has always made it hard to tell them apart. But now that problem no longer exists because they are literally the same person.

“And the best part of it is when we miss chapter, we only get one fine,” UniDelt told us proudly in an exclusive interview. “Life is so much easier now.”

Sophomore Male Jumped By Group Of Girls After Genuinely Commenting On “Nice View”

On Monday at 6:45 p.m., on the corner of University and Irving Avenue, three junior females attacked sophomore Keith Schaffer after he made a comment in genuine appreciation of the sunset over Crouse College. Allegedly, the attack was provoked after the females in question overheard Schaffer mumble, “Nice view” in regards to the soft golds and magentas that painted the Syracuse sky that evening.

“It all happened so fast,” said Schaffer when reached for comment at Upstate Hospital. “One second I was contemplating the beautifully subtle nature of clouds, and the next I was facedown in the pavement, being called a disgusting pig and misogynistic asshole. I hadn’t even noticed them walking in front of me–I was way too wrapped up in the way the sky and the earth gently kissed at the horizon line. “

Schaffer is expected to make a full recovery from the injuries he sustained that evening. At present time, the accused females are still at large. They were last seen wearing yoga pants. DPS urges every student to consider the sensitivities of every single person before verbalizes any of his or her thoughts.

A Letter From Your Chancellor

Dear Orange Friends:

Alright, everyone. You’ve got me.

After a pretty heavy string of student protests and demands, it’s finally time. I was going to wait until Christmas, but the guy who briefed me about the last Listening Meeting said you all were serious this time. And all those people sleeping outside my office? Yeah, I don’t want to deal with that. You all have been up in arms about a few things lately, and I get it. These are complex and multifaceted times.

So tonight at around 9:00 P.M., after dinner I think, I’ll finally get around to pressing that big red button in my office that will instantly solve everyone’s complex and multifaceted issues.

That’s right, I have a big red button in my office just waiting to be pressed, and once I lay a finger on it all of your dreams will come true. Yes, all it takes is a single pound of force and that’s it. Poof! All of our problems will be gone.

This will be much easier for me—I won’t have to reflect upon my less than ideal communication choices and can go back to composing emails about fall foliage and those cuties in Otto Tunes until you all finally love me.

This will be easier for you—you can go back to complaining about your parties being shut down. I liked that better.

I should have been more clear with you, my Orange Friends. I could have saved you a lot of time sitting outside of my office, and myself a lot of effort in my evasive nature if you had only known about that big red magical button I have in my office.

After pushing the button, which will magically solve the extensive menu of complex social issues we’ve all been mulling over, there will be a rally in my honor, tomorrow, on the steps of Hendricks Chapel. Be there and show your support. I’ve already made a sign:

 

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Sincerely,

Chancellor Kent Syverud

10 Things A Senior HAS To Do Before Graduation

Where did the time go? It feels like only yesterday the Class of 2015 was shuffling from Boland-Brewster-Brockway to Euclid in groups of 30, awkwardly trying to make friends. Well, we run this campus now! Here’s a list of 10 things you absolutely have to do before you graduate or these past four years will be a waste of your parents’ money and your quickly diminishing youth. 

  1. Meet your advisor!
  2. Pick up a minor!
  3. Skype your high school girlfriend every week!
  4. Take a picture in front of the Hall of Languages.
  5. Push away all your friends.
  6. Eat alone.
  7. Become addicted to painkillers.
  8. Get caught masturbating in a sorority bathroom.
  9. Stay in on Halloween night with your face pressed against the chilled glass of your window, watching people having fun, tears streaming down your face. Your girlfriend broke up with you three years ago. You’ve been skyping an imaginary person. “Dad was right,” you think, as you wonder why you ever left home in the first place.
  10. Attend a basketball game and sit in the student section. Let’s go orange!

Student Pleasantly Surprised To Find Group Photo Tinder Match In Bird

Sophomore sports management major Kyle Mayer was pleasantly surprised Monday afternoon when he walked into Bird library to find his group photo Tinder match, exactly as he had left them.

“It was amazing,” he said. “I had just swiped right Sunday night, and there they were. I didn’t even care which one was Ally.”

When asked to comment, Ally’s Tinder group photo said simultaneously, “We do everything together! These girls are my best friends!” They then giggled.

Later that day, Mayer saw them again, but realized the group didn’t recognize him. The girls were too busy whispering secrets and playing with each other’s hair.

Mayer, discouraged, could only look on with admiration.

“There they were, heads cocked, arms intertwined. Their hair, blowing in the wind. If only they could love me like they love each other…their hearts set in stone.”

Newhouse Alums Thrilled To Relive Glory Days of Filmmaking, Broadcasting, Complaining In Food.com

With Parent’s Weekend steadily approaching, the Syracuse University community is preparing itself for the mass influx of parents, alumni, and parents who are also alumni, including those from the esteemed S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications. The Kumquat caught up with members of the “Newhouse Mafia” to see what they were most excited about. 

“Some of my fondest memories of Newhouse occurred during those late night editing sessions at Food.com. There’s nothing quite like sitting down with a group of like-minded young intellectuals and absolutely ripping shit on your TRF 205 professor.  Storyboarding, shooting, bitching about the faulty lighting kit you checked out from the Cage – I would give anything to go back.”

-Kathy Johansson, copy editor of her son’s Boy Scouts troop’s monthly newsletter

 “Every time I hear my daughter sigh exasperatedly about the whack audio she picked up on her shoots for her BDJ class, I’m instantly transported back in time. It’s like I never left.”  

-Dick Richards, used-car salesman

“During the phone call I have with my son once a semester, I always try to put in my two cents about how damn confusing the layout of Newhouse 2 is. But I think kids these days have moved on to more sophisticated ways of expressing themselves. They’ve got Twitter and the Facebook to channel their creativity now. Just yesterday I saw my son’s roommate use the hashtag #NewhouseProbs! Honestly couldn’t be more proud of these kids. They are the future of mass media.”

-Cheryl Williams, trophy wife

The Newhouse Alumni Network will host a brunch next Sunday morning in Food.com featuring Dinosaur BBQ, a slideshow of monumental Newhouse photographs from over the years, and ample time to whine about the horrible coffee they will most likely serve.