An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article.

This article already has a lot of buzz. A social media campaign that was started seconds ago has already racked up three views. Although the article has a lot of Syracuse University specific references, like to Syracuse University’s funniest humor group (their words, not mine), it’s still sure to be relatable to students at all universities, because it’s just so damn funny.

It would be impossible for me to give anything away because I haven’t actually read it myself, but you will be laughing the entire time you read this article. Read the article below and let us know what you think in the comments.

http://sukumquat.com/a-college-drunking-parody-a-parody-of-college-drinking/

Sorry for the upload issues, I had some technical problems uploading the article. Here it is for real now.

SU Bus Driver Adds Dozens of Names to Enormous Shit List After Long Shift of Not Being Thanked

FAYETTEVILLE, NY – Returning home after a full 8-hour shift driving various routes to and from Syracuse University and South Campus, local bus driver Danika Walters took a few minutes to pen down several names of passengers who had neglected to thank her when exiting in her shitlist. “It’s one thing if they leave out the back, but if they walk directly by me and don’t thank me, that’s a one-way ticket to my everlasting judgment.” Said Walters, whose shitlist already spans the first 40 pages of a composite notebook. “It’s my handy little way of remembering who’s an ungrateful waste of space on this Earth and who’s a polite young adult.” At press time, Walters was seen jotting in her notebook after someone failed to hold a door open for her.

Uh Oh, Someone’s “Two Truths and a Lie” on the First Day of Recitation Got Way Too Real

The first PSY 205 recitation of the year started out harmlessly. Apart from the TA saying the word “chill” a few too many times, class was proceeding in a typically mundane manner. Things started going south when, instead of sharing the classic “major and a fun fact,” it was revealed that the students would be participating in a rousing game of “Two Truths and a Lie.”

The very first person to play, introduced only as “Emily,” was quite friendly before class and was the natural choice to lead off. Her first two statements went by without a hitch when she claimed to have two siblings and to have never left New York. But unexpectedly her eyes clouded slightly. And then she said it.

“My parents got divorced on my birthday.”

Every muscle in the room was immediately clenched and no one quite knew where to look. A smattering of nervous coughs and shifting chairs filled the otherwise looming silence while an exceptionally uncomfortable student tried to hold back an inappropriate laugh. After at least five empty seconds passed, the ever-hopeful TA meekly asked, “which one was the lie?”

“It was the sibling thing,” said Emily, before her expression got even darker. “I only used to have two siblings.”

The eyes of every student widened. Emily stared blankly at the linoleum floor. Eight more white-knuckle seconds of silence passed until a local hero spoke up with a “Welp, guess I’ll go next.” A few nervous jokes were made as the room made a silent pact to never speak about the moment again.

As of publication, it is unclear if “Emily” will be returning to this recitation but we will continue updating you with this breaking news as it unfolds.

New Uber Feature Exclusively For Sexually Rejected Freshmen Wondering Where They Went Wrong at 3am

As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest hours of the nights, a new Uber pool option will be offered exclusively to confused freshmen who failed to get their dick wet from that special someone. Now, freshmen can make it home safe and sound instead of pacing around Ackerman asking themselves if Rachel was really down.

The feature works through multiple phases using never before seen technology. Since phone numbers are already synced to your account, the app quickly searches your phone for any texts or audible phrases in your convo that seem like its about to be a bust. It looks out for phrases like: “Yo whatcha up to?” and “Need some company?” and immediately sends a driver over to anticipate the letdown far in advance.

Once safely in the car, the driver activates the questionnaire function on the app. Questions like: “Did you think that shirt would work?” and “You know your haircut doesn’t make a difference, right?”

These questions help the passenger reevaluate their night and prevent them from having another night of total failure. Once the trip has ended, the driver uses the apps star rating system to judge if the passenger was actually good-looking and deserving of a hookup. At five stars, the passenger is decent after three shots. At one star, the passenger is disgustingly unappealing.

This new Uber function has received rave reviews among users so far and has done much better than the competing app “Lyft Loser.” In the end, the new Uber feature will help thousands of freshman passengers sharing a ride in a Honda Civic slowly realize they’re just truly ugly inside and out.

5 Similarities Between Participating in Bid Day and Using a Bidet

It is a day you will never forget. One filled with nerves, surprise, and, ultimately, a whole lot of joy and excitement for a future of possibilities. Yes, it is the first time you use a bidet. Or it’s that very special day you receive a Bid from a sorority and run to their lawn to be united with your sisters and future bridesmaids! Either way it’s the first day of the rest of your life. Here are the ways Bid Day and bidets are more alike than you think.

1. No Wasteful Toilet Paper

After taking an 100 level Geography class, I hate being wasteful about anything. Bidets leave you fresh and clean with no needed assistance from toilet paper. And, thankfully, most fraternities and sororities have given up the tradition of wrapping your face in toilet paper and drawing penises on them.

2. There’s A Whole Lotta Screamin’!

I won’t give away any Bid Day secrets, but if you want to join any of the groovy frats or sorors, be prepared to bust a lung. However, I will tell you the story of the first time I used a bidet. I pooped, hit the button, and screamed as a desire awakened in me that I never knew was there.

3. Typically White

Most porcelain toilets are made white so the person using it after you has visual proof that you haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week. Bidets are the same, just with a video-recording water sprayer hiding at the bottom. Looking into the sea of your new sisters – or brothers – is kinda reminiscent of staring at the blinding porcelain of a bidet. So very white!

4. Syracuse Weather Makes It A Strictly Indoors Experience

There’s nothing like dropping a deuce in the great outdoors and spraying a water gun up in your asshole. There’s also nothing like receiving your bid (or learning you’ve gotten rejected from every single house) while in the public eye. Snow ruins everything.

5. Either Way, Your Butthole Is Getting Wet

This is the essence of both Bid Day and bidets: the sensation of water jetting between your outstretched cheeks then learning whether or not you’ll have friends for the next few years. On second thought, toilet paper might be necessary.

Elmira Cuttinggrass is This Year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive!

Just after ordering her daily morning beverage of hot melted ice with lemon seeds at Café Kubal, Elmira Cuttinggrass was informed that she was to be presented with a prestigious honor – this year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive.

“I had heard that I was under consideration, but really this is such a surprise!” the 28-year old mother of two lizards says.

Although she had been a TA for nearly three years, she was more than happy to accept the award for what she feels is an under appreciated art form.

“Being a TA is hard work. You’re basically standing in a lecture hall full of 200 students trying to validate the bat-shit crazy professor. At the same time, students look to you for a sense of normalcy, like everything is going to be ok. You’re literally playing for both sides. It’s like if Batman teamed up with Joker and was like ‘its ok I’m still here for you guys!’”

As a TA, Cuttinggrass has seen many things, but her years of experience have given her the cool composure that’s required for such a task

“One time, a professor threw a globe at a kid’s face. What am I suppose to say after that, ‘The notes will be posted on Blackboard’?”

Cuttinggrass was ultimately chosen from Student Association’s carefully selected pool of the five most mild-mannered Teaching Assistants on campus. There were many things that made Cuttinggrass such a tolerable standout: she only emailed her students once that she was changing office hour times, she gave 14 answers out of the 95 study guide questions, and she didn’t look students in the eye when they saw her in the line at Varsity.

“If I could say one last thing, I would like to thank both my lizards, for keeping me company when I had to read professor’s 12-paragraph-long email on how exams should be stapled. Also Dan Peets from the ETS department can eat my shorts”

Top 10 Beers Ranked by How Mean They Make My Stepdad

Bold. Brisk. Breathtaking. These words describe some of the tastiest beers in America. They also describe my stepdad’s unprovoked anger. With so many different beers on the market, it can be difficult to sort through all of the commercials, slogans, and logos to find the best one. But don’t worry, compiled here are the ultimate top 10 beers ranked by how mean they make my stepdad.

10. Yuengling

yuengling.png

 

Yuengling’s iconic American lager has a rich amber color with a medium-bodied taste of cluster and cascade hops. The creamy aroma contributes to the beer’s distinctive caramel maltiness with just a tinge of sweetness that leaves my stepdad walking to the nearest gas station for more. When I see a bunch of empty Yuengling cans on the front lawn, I know … I’m going to be sad tonight.

9. Rolling Rock

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There’s nothing like an ice-cold, crisp Rolling Rock on a hot day. It’s flavorful with a subtle bite. This perfect blend of pale barley malt, rice, and corn make for the worst combination of yelling, swearing, and falling over in the living room when my stepdad gets ahold of these bad boys. Every now and then, I’ll see my mom dump of few cans of Rolling Rock down the kitchen drain after my stepdad falls asleep.

8. Narragansett

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Few beers have the cult following of this earthy lager. Narragansett contains a strong flavor with a crisp aftertaste that will make you say, “Holy cow”. This is exactly what I said when my stepdad broke our entertainment center after the Jets lost in overtime. There really is no feeling quite like sitting back with a Narragansett and watching a television held up by an overturned laundry basket.

7. Coors Light

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Coors Light will always have a special place in my stepdad’s heart since it was the last beer he had before he went into cardiac arrest. The refreshing, steely taste is so thirst quenching that I watched my stepdad crack one open on the drive back from the hospital.

6. Miller High Life

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This bubbly, mildly fruity beer is the self-proclaimed “Champagne of Beers” and it’s perfect for almost any celebration. I assume this is why my stepdad drank a couple 40s of Miller High Life on his 5th anniversary while my mom cried in the bathroom. This is probably the most unpretentious beer on the market, and probably the reason why my mom and stepdad started spending their anniversaries at home in separate rooms.

5. Pabst Blue Ribbon

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Pabst Blue Ribbon (or PBR for short) is nothing but strong, smooth, and silky. The dry finish adds surprising dimension to the beer. I had to tell my mom I accidentally “fell” out of the second story window, but I’m pretty sure she knew the real culprit – the deliciousness of Pabst Blue Ribbon – and my stepdad’s perpetual tendency to use violence to express his emotions.

4. Heineken

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One time my stepdad traded his 2001 Chevy Aveo for a set of Ninja Stars. Even after he lost all of them, I had to get a ride from my neighbors to go to school every morning. Kids in my class started calling me “the hitchhiker” even though I asked them to stop. This beer is also good.

3. Budweiser

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Budweiser isn’t just a beer. It can also be a projectile if you walk in front of the TV while your stepdad is watching Smokey and the Bandit 2. America’s favorite husky and mellow beer really can pack a wallop.

2. Keystone

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Imagine this. You’re relaxing on a warm summer night. You crack open a lean Keystone Light. You say that your friend Mark is going to sleep in your stepson’s bedroom for just a few days while your stepson has to sleep in the attic next to the Christmas decorations. Mark is scary. After a week and a half, your stepson gets his room back and it’s filled with the smooth, elegant aroma of delightful Keystone Light. 

1. Natural Light

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Finally, the golden beer with tart undertones that gives you the courage to risk getting arrested in a Walmart for shoplifting. Natural Light is easy to drink and enjoy. Almost as easy as it was for my stepdad to slip two pounds of lamb chops, 5 AA batteries, and a Slim Jim into his Jets sweatshirt pocket I guess. When you want to slug the ultimate thirst-quencher, Natty Light is right there to say, “You aren’t my real son.”

Spooky! This Girl Sent Out A Cry For Help From Another Dimension

Warning! The following account is totally spine tingling! Syracuse University freshman Jenny found herself in a chilling situation when she accidentally performed the Elevator Ritual in Brewster hall while trying to visit friends. Once she found herself in a hellish parallel dimension she got on her laptop and sent out this cry for help that will give you the chills. You can read her message below. Stay spooktacular, Jenny!

 

Hi everybody. My name iS Jenny and I want to tell you my story.

Earlier Today, my friend Justin texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out and look over the Constitution. Like anybody Else would, I said yes. Justin liVes on the fourth floor. ImmEdiately after I made plans with Justin, ReBecca texted me asking if I wanted to hang oUt with her and whisper compliments to her plant so it would grow faster and into a beautiful flower. I didn’t want to diSappoint her, so I also said yes. Rebecca lives on the seCond floor. I didn’t know I was this popular, but then Lionel CALLED me, how progressive! I heard a few deep breaths into the phonEand three loud screeches, so I knew he wanted to hang too. He lives on the sixth floor.

I know this is crazy, but then My other friend on the second floor texted me, then a frIend on the tenth, and the fifth. I Was incredibly flustered with all these invites. I gOt in the elevator and didN’t let anybody else in because I had to deeply contemplate what I would do.

First, I pressed The fourth floor, and when it got there I panicked and hit the second floor. Then, I didn’t want to leave the elevator becauSe it was cozy, so I hit the sixth floor to maybe hang with Lionel. I felT a strange feeling about hanging with Lionel today when I reached the sixth floOr, so I hit the second floor, then the tenth floor, then the fifth floor.

I Planned on getting out on the fifth floor when my life changed forever. A young woman entered the elevator. She was dripping green blood. At this moment, I knew what Had happened.

I hAd accidentally performed the elevator ritual while I was just trying to visit some friends.

I was terrified of the woman and started shoUting to make her leave. Unfortunately, shouting the 15th ameNdment did not make her leave. It only made her angrier, which was not cool of her because that was a huge advancement in our country.

I had read about this ritual once, and I vaguely remembered I had to hit the first floor. I knew if the elevaTor ascended to the tenth floor, I will have entered the other world, which is another dimension.

As I went to go hIt the first floor, the young woman followed, giggling, and tried to hit the first floor before me, but I jumped forward and hit it first! We both chuckled at that sweet moment we shared. But then I remembered she was a demon so I stopped. The elevator asceNded to the tenth floor, so I knew the ritual was Going through.

As I was leaving to enter the tenth floor, aka a new dimension, I heard the young woman crying. I felt really bad leaving her. Even though she was a deMon, she seemed to be misunderstood and she must not have many friends. I took a vile of her green blood to always remember Her.

I entered the tenth floor and it was incredibly dark. Nobody was on the floor. I looked out the floor window and it lookEd apocalyptic, and I could only see a red glowing cross in the distance.

I pulled out my Laptop from my backpack and began typing this. The young woman from the elevator has tried FaceTiming me but it would be too Painful for me. The other world isn’t as bad as people say. But, if you guys REALLY want me back in the real world, just shoot me a message. I’d love to hear all about why you want me back. After I get your messages, I’ll make a decision.

Thanks guys!

Love you all, xoxo Jenny

5 Ironic Tee’s That Will Make Him Cum In His Pants The Minute He Sees You

It’s a fact that quirky humor is super sexy. But it’s also a fact that women have a hard time being funny. It’s just not something we were designed for, according to science. Luckily, there’s a quick fix for the humor-challenged ladies out there (which is all of us, am I right? LOL!) – Ironic t-shirts! Here’s a helpful list of tee’s that will quite literally make him cum in his pants the minute he sees you.

 

(http://www.snorgtees.com/t-shirts/count-dabula)

This shirt is a great – and super hot – way to let your man know that you keep up to date with pop culture references. He’s sure to know how hip and cool you are once he sees you in this shirt. If he doesn’t get a boner after seeing you in this he’s probably gay.

2. “You read my T-Shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day” from Think Geek ($19.99)

 

(http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/a69c/)

Not only will this shirt turn on that special guy in your life, but it will also communicate to him that you aren’t one of those overly chatty women who will bore him by speaking. Talking without explicit permission = major boner killer.

3. “If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes” from Snorgtees ($20)

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(http://www.snorgtees.com/t-shirts/funny-science/dna-helicase)

Not everyone will understand this shirt (nerd alert!), but the joke is that DNA helicase is an enzyme that unzips DNA during DNA replication, and that genes, biological units of inheritance, sounds like jeans, which is a type of pant people, like men, wear. As they say, smart is the new sexy. Love between two nerds has never been hotter.

4. “Exercise… bacon” from Redbubble (29.50)

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(http://www.redbubble.com/people/digerati/works/9833374-exercise-bacon?p=womens-fitted-scoop&style=womens-fitted-scoop&body_color=black&print_location=front)

This shirt is a great way to let a guy know you’re not like other girls. You don’t care about dieting, you love to eat! Such a cute and quirky trait.*

*For thin girls

5.  “My memes are ironic, my depression is chronic” from Redbubble ($29.50)

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EXCLUSIVE: Kenan Thompson to Announce Presidential Bid at Family Weekend Standup Set

Students are buzzing over Kenan Thompson’s scheduled appearance at Syracuse University’s Goldstein Auditorium on Sept. 25.

But little do they know that Thompson’s antics have just begun.

For years, Thompson has been a staple of our screens, mastering the role of ‘The Funny Token Black Guy’ on “Saturday Night Live.” But now, Thompson wants to go beyond being ‘The Funny Token Black Guy’, and strives to be just ‘The Serious Token Black Guy.’

How will he attain this serious image? He will follow the examples set by media icons Donald Trump, the MacAfee guy and Kanye West. He will run for President of the United States.

We should expect Thompson to inform us of this groundbreaking announcement during his standup show during Family Weekend, The Kumquat has learned.

Sources within Thompson’s inner circle, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed to The Kumquat some components of Thompson’s platform, which will run on the statement, “What Up with That?”

Kim Davis refusing to give same-sex couples marriage licenses: What up with that?

Income inequality: What up with that?

Police brutality: What up with that?

Thompson is the only candidate not afraid to see these issues, and ask, what exactly is up with them.

In office, he plans to utilize his famous impressions of Steve Harvey, Reverend Al Sharpton, Alex Treblack, Martin Luther King Jr, and yes, even Bill Cosby, to look at issues from different perspectives, sources within Thompson’s campaign said.

So when you cast a vote for Thompson, you are not just voting for one guy, but for all 108 of his impressions.

“He’s the kind of president who will be able to tell a burger apart from a Good Burger. That is what’s going put Thompson in the White House,” a source within Thompson’s campaign said.

Inspiring! Meet The Newhouse Student Who Interns For Himself

Spring break is upon us. For some, that means beaches, booze, and maxing out Daddy’s credit card. But for those of us with a future, it means the swift arrival of the deadline to apply for summer internships. The competition is fierce–many students wind up settling for internships that provide little real-world experience, or they simply don’t get one at all. But one brave Newhouse student has dared to challenge all that. Meet Dawson Josephs: the first ever self-employed intern.

The Kumquat: So, Dawson. What inspired you to make this radical move in the face of such a dominant academic custom?

Dawson Josephs: Well, to be honest, I was really banking on interning for Viacom this summer. But I forgot to delete all the pictures of me drinking champagne with the boys at our Oscars party on Facebook, so they denied me. But then I thought of my dad, who runs his own custom birdhouse business from our basement, and thought to myself: ‘Heck, if Dad can be his own boss, why can’t I be my own intern?’ And from there, I just ran with it.

The Kumquat: Truly revolutionary. Could you walk us through an average day in the office as your own intern?

Dawson Josephs: Well, I always make sure to show up to work on time, since I’m pretty strict about punctuality. Then I’ll make a run to Starbucks and get my usual order: a grande caramel macchiato with skim milk—can’t forget the skim milk, otherwise I’ll be passive aggressive to myself all day. Since I’m the social media intern, I’ll normally log onto Facebook, check the most recent likes and views on my page, track the successes and failures of certain posts, and calculate the amount of online impressions I’ve made in the past week. It can be stressful because I am usually breathing down my own neck, making sure I’m not just surfing the web…you know how college kids are. Besides that, I don’t do too much—sometimes I have to go to the post office and pick up packages for myself, or make copies of different reports and memos that I need for the archives.

The Kumquat: That sounds great! Is the internship paid?

Dawson Josephs: Well, no, but I think it’s worth it just for the experience. I’m learning valuable skills that are truly essential for making it in this industry. And that in itself is worth more than the money, in my opinion.

The Kumquat: Would you recommend self-interning to other students in your position?

Dawson Josephs: Absolutely. I get to make my own hours, determine my own day-to-day tasks, and completely exploit myself as a source of free labor. It’s really the best of both worlds.

The Kumquat: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with us, Dawson. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Dawson Josephs: Anytime. I best be getting back to the office anyways, I’m pretty anal about letting the interns take breaks.