An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article.

This article already has a lot of buzz. A social media campaign that was started seconds ago has already racked up three views. Although the article has a lot of Syracuse University specific references, like to Syracuse University’s funniest humor group (their words, not mine), it’s still sure to be relatable to students at all universities, because it’s just so damn funny.

It would be impossible for me to give anything away because I haven’t actually read it myself, but you will be laughing the entire time you read this article. Read the article below and let us know what you think in the comments.

Sorry for the upload issues, I had some technical problems uploading the article. Here it is for real now.

Top 10 Beers Ranked by How Mean They Make My Stepdad

Bold. Brisk. Breathtaking. These words describe some of the tastiest beers in America. They also describe my stepdad’s unprovoked anger. With so many different beers on the market, it can be difficult to sort through all of the commercials, slogans, and logos to find the best one. But don’t worry, compiled here are the ultimate top 10 beers ranked by how mean they make my stepdad.

10. Yuengling



Yuengling’s iconic American lager has a rich amber color with a medium-bodied taste of cluster and cascade hops. The creamy aroma contributes to the beer’s distinctive caramel maltiness with just a tinge of sweetness that leaves my stepdad walking to the nearest gas station for more. When I see a bunch of empty Yuengling cans on the front lawn, I know … I’m going to be sad tonight.

9. Rolling Rock



There’s nothing like an ice-cold, crisp Rolling Rock on a hot day. It’s flavorful with a subtle bite. This perfect blend of pale barley malt, rice, and corn make for the worst combination of yelling, swearing, and falling over in the living room when my stepdad gets ahold of these bad boys. Every now and then, I’ll see my mom dump of few cans of Rolling Rock down the kitchen drain after my stepdad falls asleep.

8. Narragansett



Few beers have the cult following of this earthy lager. Narragansett contains a strong flavor with a crisp aftertaste that will make you say, “Holy cow”. This is exactly what I said when my stepdad broke our entertainment center after the Jets lost in overtime. There really is no feeling quite like sitting back with a Narragansett and watching a television held up by an overturned laundry basket.

7. Coors Light



Coors Light will always have a special place in my stepdad’s heart since it was the last beer he had before he went into cardiac arrest. The refreshing, steely taste is so thirst quenching that I watched my stepdad crack one open on the drive back from the hospital.

6. Miller High Life



This bubbly, mildly fruity beer is the self-proclaimed “Champagne of Beers” and it’s perfect for almost any celebration. I assume this is why my stepdad drank a couple 40s of Miller High Life on his 5th anniversary while my mom cried in the bathroom. This is probably the most unpretentious beer on the market, and probably the reason why my mom and stepdad started spending their anniversaries at home in separate rooms.

5. Pabst Blue Ribbon



Pabst Blue Ribbon (or PBR for short) is nothing but strong, smooth, and silky. The dry finish adds surprising dimension to the beer. I had to tell my mom I accidentally “fell” out of the second story window, but I’m pretty sure she knew the real culprit – the deliciousness of Pabst Blue Ribbon – and my stepdad’s perpetual tendency to use violence to express his emotions.

4. Heineken



One time my stepdad traded his 2001 Chevy Aveo for a set of Ninja Stars. Even after he lost all of them, I had to get a ride from my neighbors to go to school every morning. Kids in my class started calling me “the hitchhiker” even though I asked them to stop. This beer is also good.

3. Budweiser



Budweiser isn’t just a beer. It can also be a projectile if you walk in front of the TV while your stepdad is watching Smokey and the Bandit 2. America’s favorite husky and mellow beer really can pack a wallop.

2. Keystone



Imagine this. You’re relaxing on a warm summer night. You crack open a lean Keystone Light. You say that your friend Mark is going to sleep in your stepson’s bedroom for just a few days while your stepson has to sleep in the attic next to the Christmas decorations. Mark is scary. After a week and a half, your stepson gets his room back and it’s filled with the smooth, elegant aroma of delightful Keystone Light. 

1. Natural Light



Finally, the golden beer with tart undertones that gives you the courage to risk getting arrested in a Walmart for shoplifting. Natural Light is easy to drink and enjoy. Almost as easy as it was for my stepdad to slip two pounds of lamb chops, 5 AA batteries, and a Slim Jim into his Jets sweatshirt pocket I guess. When you want to slug the ultimate thirst-quencher, Natty Light is right there to say, “You aren’t my real son.”

The Man Corner: Five Grievances

Before I begin to outline the ways males across this planet are being relegated, instigated, perpetrated and taken advantage of, let me make a quick disclaimer: I love women. I love looking at women in the laundry room, looking at women in my geography lecture, and sometimes I even ask them if I can get extra ceasar dressing. But the thing I don’t love about women is when they decide that just because they were slightly disatvantaged more than 100 yeras ago (but who wasn’t back then) they can suddenly push men out off our pedestal. A pedestal we earned with hard labour and a history of genius. (See any women’s names on the Declaration of Independence? I didn’t think so.)

I believe our (meaning the Men’s Rights Advocates of the world) grievances can be summed up with five main points, beginning with the most important point of all:

1. Equal rights only come from equal strengths. If you ladies think you can have just as many privileges as the men of this country, then I urge you to fight me for them. If I can beat you in an arm wrestling contest (and we’re of equivalent weight, muscle mass, calorie intake schedule, etc.) and you beat me three times in a row, then go right ahead, I have no problem. Before that happens, I will continue to enjoy looking down on you through my glass floor.

2. Jars with difficult to open lids are our territory. Too often do I see women trying to upset the status quo by opening the lids to tightly sealed jars without coyly walking over to an obviously more adept male and asking him to open it for them. Well to all you ladies who think that suddenly you can do just as well without men, then I say good luck with lightbulbs, spiders, fixing the wi-fi, and a multitude of other problems you have the luxury of not dealing with.

3. Please stop wearing high-waisted shorts. If I have this right, and i’m %100 sure of my own opinions, women wear clothing to impress men. Therefore, if you want to impress men you need to stop wearing clothing that doesn’t make me want to yell compliments at you. I have no idea why a female would buy a piece of clothing if she doesn’t want to be noticed, but at this point I feel that I have to place this in the folder in my brain called “things I will never understand about women.” (It is an extremely small folder.)

4. Hold the door for us sometimes. I know i’m not alone in saying that when a man’s hands are full and he is trying to get into the lobby of a building, and a girl is in close proximity to the door, that girl should be obliged to help out, instead of ignoring the man’s struggle to get inside, awkwardly hiking the box up to his forearm so he can grasp the knob, having to pivot his body around the door with barely enough space to fit the box through the narrow gap in the doorway he created. Then of course the contents of the box starts to shift and pretty soon the box is tilting away from me and i’m trying desperately to keep this thing under control but despite my best efforts the box and me tumble to the ground and of course the packing tape isn’t enough to keep it sealed and the contents come spilling out for the world to see and people start shouting things like “how many dildos can a person need to own” which I won’t even dignify with an answer and of coursemy bottle of lubricant seemed to have cracked as a result of the fall and i’m not the kind of person who wants to go out and resupply lubricant every night so it’s a pretty sizeable bottle and it becomes a real dire situation for me, there, wheezing uncomfortably, fully lubricated on the lobby floor so what my point is is my landlord decided to bill me for the ruined lobby carpet so i’m asking all the empathetic Men’s Right’s Activists of the world to please send a few bucks my way by clicking the donate button at the bottom of this page.

5. Please support my kickstarter. I have invented a device that compresses farts into poops.