DPS Updates Safety Guidelines To Reduce Assaults In Broad Daylight

In light of recent robberies, including a mugging at noon, the Department of Public Safety has given The Kumquat exclusive access to an updated list of safety procedures advised to every student.


1. Don’t leave your house. Watch from your window as larger, more intimidating students roam freely. This is your life now.

2. If you have to leave your house, use the following precautions:

• Walk in groups of 50 people or more, and make sure each of your human shields friends are equipped with necessary padding to absorb the blow of anything you might push them in front of

• Enroll in the University’s pricey self-defense courses—you can’t put a price on the lack of lacerations of your vital organs.

• Run. Just run the whole way.

3. Before you leave your house, make sure to call your mom and tell her that you love her, as it may be your last chance.

4. Try not to venture out during hours where criminals are most likely to attack. Times such as midday, late afternoon, and just before your post-lunch Chipotle are prime striking hours.

5. Don’t get close to strangers. That guy in your psychology class you were thinking of asking to hang out? Wrong move. Emotional bonds are just as dangerous. Remove yourself entirely from the dating pool.

6. Ladies—forget any advice you’ve received about “covering up.” It doesn’t matter how little you wear but how much is in your oversized Coach purse. You can sell a stolen iphone, but not a stolen virginity.

7. If you are approached by a stranger, and cannot run, you must hit them in the head, preferably puncturing their brain. Only this can stop them. Do not let them bite you or you may turn into a Townie.

Just remember! There is absolutely nothing you or anyone else can do to protect yourself from these random acts of violence. What about the people who are paid and trained to protect you? Well, they can’t do anything either.

Your quick reporting may help prevent others from becoming victims.

5 Coziest Spots To Get Mugged On Campus

With cold weather and loads of homework on the horizon, there’s no better time than now to go on a lonesome, late night campus stroll. But watch out—you might not be alone! Here are the top five coziest spots to get mugged on campus. 

1. The Rose Garden



Thornden Park is infused with over 100 years of coziness history. From its rustic brick walkways and sprawling amphitheater, to the mysterious public pool, it’s more than easy for a lone wanderer to get lost within himself. But coziest of them all is the Rose Garden, located at the park’s southwest corner. Here, rose vines climb the coziest arbors to ever appear on your ex-girlfriend’s Instagram. Could you think of a cozier spot on the University Hill to call for help with empty pockets as your fresh cuts, bruises, and potentially deep stab wounds seep blood onto that rich, rich soil?  

2. The Store Between BBB and the Housing Project

the store.jpg


Lest we forget the bottom of the hill, where nestled between freshmen dormitory BBB and an ambiguous public housing project is a cozy corner store stocked to the brim with Funions, stale Oreo cookies, discounted cigarettes, and the warm sense of home. We couldn’t think of a cozier place to use your older brother’s ID to buy you and your suite mates PBR. But be careful—that cash register is behind plexiglass for a reason! Don’t let your guard down and remember to keep your hands in the air! 

3. Moon Library, SUNY-ESF



Dimly lit? check

Musty? check.

This super earthy library is open until 11 on most weeknights, but tread lightly! SUNY- ESF nighttime library dwellers are known to volatile and hungry. They’ll be quick to empty any outsiders’ pockets, and there is no guarantee that they don’t have rabies! 

4. South Campus


From apartment-sized storage container to apartment-sized storage container, this little slice of paradise just south of main campus is perfect for a nice wetland stroll. But if you’re looking for your friend’s 20th birthday rager and get off at the wrong stop, take in a deep breathe of that sweet, southern air, and don’t panic as you circle around building after building, searching for numbers that don’t seem to exist as the battery of your iPhone 5 slowly depletes. Wasn’t it worth that bus ride to be lost in so much coziness?

5. Phi Psi


Located just off campus in a mid-20th century Victorian, it could, at first glance, be mistaken for Grammy’s summer cottage in Newport. But don’t be fooled by the welcoming faces of 20-year-old children clad in oversized sweatshirts and cargo shorts. These guys stay on porch duty 24-hours per day just waiting for one lonely pedestrian to flash a sign of weakness so they can rip the lanyard from one pocket and your wallet from the other.