Hiring An ESF Student Is Now Tax Deductible

To encourage employers to consider hiring more wildlife science, forest health, and aquatics and fisheries majors, the State of New York has officially made employing SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry students a benefit on tax returns. Considered a stimulus for the green job sector, this is predicted to launch New York as the national leader in environmental issues, the biggest of which is the unemployment of college graduates with environmental degrees.

Governor Andrew Cuomo made the statement last month that hiring an ESF student is equivalent to “donating to a desperate charity.”  His statement echoed reports that state and national parks, which have become prime ESF habitat, are now overrun with homeless ESF students fighting over trees.

During the academic school year, generous fraternities and sororities have taken to hiring ESF students. George Spektor, a business major in Sigma Phi Epsilon, admitted, “The ESF students seem very grateful and respectful. I always feel fulfilled when I see them cleaning my bathroom when I throw up all over the tiles after a classic blackout Friday.”

Other “landscape architecture” majors have found success doing yard work on fraternity property. “After spending the summer volunteering on an organic farm in California, I thought I could apply my knowledge to start a garden at FIJI,” said landscape architect Richard Baker.

Dylan Comerford, a brother at FIJI, admits that he was surprised at how much he appreciated the garden. “At first I thought all the other frats would make fun of us.” he said. ”But once I tasted Richard’s cherry tomatoes, no amount of macho culture could pry fruits of his hard labor from my grasp.”

Gardener Baker isn’t allowed to eat any of the tomatoes that he cultivates for FIJI, but he said that he’s just happy that he is expanding the market for organic groceries, and that he is employed.

ESF Student Teaches SU Student How To Climb Tree

Ever since he saw a Discovery Channel special on trees, freshman Dylan Koffman knew he would one day get to that high branch. Just last week, he got his wish.

Koffman knew from rumors going around Sadler Dining Hall that if there was one sure way to learn, it was to ask a student from the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry.

“I’d seen an ESF student before, and I’ve definitely smelled one, so it took me less than a week to find one,” he said.

At first, Koffman had trouble getting the male ESF student to cooperate. He kept shifting from one barefoot to the other until Koffman convinced him that he benches “over two hundie” and has done “at least 1000 pull-ups since coming to college.”

The ESF student promised he would teach Koffman proper technique, but only if he didn’t wear cologne, left his cell phone at home, and wore earth tones to find himself “one with the tree.” Although abashed at the thought, Koffman said that it was worth almost any price to do something so prehistoric.

The ESF student, referred to as “Sage,” brought Koffman into Oakwood Cemetery to one of the tallest trees.

“At first, it felt like a foreign language. But within an hour, I was standing on my first branch,” said Koffman.

By the time Koffman reached the top, he experienced such a strong sense of euphoria that he no longer needed instruction. It was nearing nightfall, he said, and the smog-filled orange and yellow sunset was one of the best he’d ever seen.

But by then the ESF-er was nowhere to be found. Koffman realized that he had never been instructed on how to get back down.

“Sadler was about to close so I ended up in that tree all night until some local Syracuse lady found me in the morning and called the cops,” said Koffman.

Koffman warns the rest of the Syracuse community to keep an eye out for the mysterious ESF student, and to call the Department of Public Safety if any one knows an ESF character whose name sounds remotely like “Sage.”