Celebrate Good Times, Come On!: Student Association Candidates Expecting A Whopping 5.1% Voter Turnout This Year

It’s that time of year again: Student Association elections are upon us. Members of SA--or other interested applicants--spend hours painstakingly crafting their platforms, forming a campaign team, participating in debates, and speaking to students. And that dedication is not going unrewarded--SA has a predicted voter turnout of a whopping 5.1% this year!

“Yeah, we crunched the numbers, and it’s true--we’re predicting better turnout than the measly 4.9% last year,” said Student Association member Jackie Lowe. “That’s an extra THIRTY votes--from 747 to 777 this year out of 15,000. We’re pretty ecstatic.”

Student Association members had methods to increase voter turnout. SA members plan on hosting “Drunk MySlice Night,” where members of the student body get hammered and complete every single form on their MySlice, including their SA ballot. They also plan on compiling a list of every person who merely knows a member of SA and stealing their things, promising return once the ol’ ballot is handed in. With these intricate strategies, SA hopes to put their plan to increase turnout by 0.2% comes to fruition.

“We hope that these strategies really bring people out to vote for our campaign,” said one of the presidential candidates, whose name The Kumquat forgot and can’t really be bothered to look up. “We think it’ll push us over the edge!”

When asked for comments on their view of the election, Brayden Tanner of Theta Chi told us “I don’t give a shit about SA” and “it’s really weird of you to ask for interview requests at the door. Also, you don’t know anyone here and guys aren’t allowed so we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

Said Stephanie Brown of Gamma Phi Beta, “Honestly, I’ll probably just vote for whoever bothers to show up to our house.”

With such overwhelming support, The Kumquat looks forward to a thriving election season. Happy voting!