New Uber Feature Exclusively For Sexually Rejected Freshmen Wondering Where They Went Wrong at 3am

As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest hours of the nights, a new Uber pool option will be offered exclusively to confused freshmen who failed to get their dick wet from that special someone. Now, freshmen can make it home safe and sound instead of pacing around Ackerman asking themselves if Rachel was really down.

The feature works through multiple phases using never before seen technology. Since phone numbers are already synced to your account, the app quickly searches your phone for any texts or audible phrases in your convo that seem like its about to be a bust. It looks out for phrases like: “Yo whatcha up to?” and “Need some company?” and immediately sends a driver over to anticipate the letdown far in advance.

Once safely in the car, the driver activates the questionnaire function on the app. Questions like: “Did you think that shirt would work?” and “You know your haircut doesn’t make a difference, right?”

These questions help the passenger reevaluate their night and prevent them from having another night of total failure. Once the trip has ended, the driver uses the apps star rating system to judge if the passenger was actually good-looking and deserving of a hookup. At five stars, the passenger is decent after three shots. At one star, the passenger is disgustingly unappealing.

This new Uber function has received rave reviews among users so far and has done much better than the competing app “Lyft Loser.” In the end, the new Uber feature will help thousands of freshman passengers sharing a ride in a Honda Civic slowly realize they’re just truly ugly inside and out.

KumQuiz: Does the girl across the hall want the D?

Yo, man, do you think that cute girl from across the hall wants the D? Take this quiz to find out. 

1. Does she live on your floor? 


Do we even have to ask any more questions? She wants the D, plain and simple.


Separation makes the heart grow founder.

2. Does she seem uncomfortable in your presence?


It must be your beaming confidence leaving her helpless at the very sight of you.


It must be your beaming confidence and approachability bringing out the best in her.

3. Does she wear short skirts/high waisted shorts?


Yup, she’s practically asking for it!


She’s probably a little more on the reserved side. This is going to mean a little more work on your part. Maybe she just gets nervous when you’re around and wants to feel a bit more comfortable in her own skin—a good sign. 

4. Does she seem weird whenever her boyfriend comes to visit?


Hmm, sounds like she doesn’t want him to sense the connection you two have.


Sounds like this guy is BORING and she’s longing to leave for something more unstable and exciting.

5. If you asked her to come into your dorm room to show her your collection of toenail clippings, she would say….

(A) “Oh my, I thought you would never ask! Take me! Be gentle, but don’t be afraid to be firm! My love, you have me at last!”

BINGO, BABY! You’re in! Don’t forget the number one rule: always kiss the neck!

(B) “Umm, maybe another time, I didn’t realize how mysterious you were…there’s something about you that I can’t just put my finger on, here’s my phone number.”

Dude, that’s step 1. Keep up the good work, stay coy, stay vigilant. 

(C) “Sure, what the fuck else am I going to do with myself tonight? Ugh, I can’t believe my tall, handsome boyfriend dumped me! I can’t wait to talk to you all about him…”

Oof, sounds like the FRIENDZONE to me. Show her your sensitive side, keep an open ear, this could lead to some very pathetic behavior on your part. But hey, girls love vulnerable guys! 

(D) “Christ, how many times do I have to tell you? Please leave me alone, you freak. I know you spend your entire Friday night looking through your peephole waiting to see if I come home with a guy. I know all about the weird sexual fantasies you’ve written about me. I’m this close to transferring rooms. Get it through your thick skull, pervert, I don’t want to have anything to do with you!” 

Ever heard the expression “cruel to be kind?” This is a textbook case. Be persistent, maybe even bring that good old collection of yours to her!

ANSWER: YES! Dude, I told you. She WANTS the D and she wants it bad. Good work, man.