10 NOPE Species We’re Excited For Climate Change To Get Rid Of

Yesterday, hundred of thousands of people flocked to New York City to join the People’s Climate March. While that’s all well and good for some, The Kumquat likes to look at the bright side. Climate change doesn’t have to be all bad. Just look at this list of ten gross species that climate change is going to do away with for good!

1. Polar Bears

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NOPE. Try again, polar bears. We’re done with you.

 

2. Black Rhino

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Thanks, but no thanks, Rhino. Run the other way.

 

3. Poison Dart Frog

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Off my planet, you poisonous little bastard. 

 

4. Laysan Duck

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Quack, quack, die.

 

5. American Hart’s Tongue Fern

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There’s only room on this planet for one of us,  American Hart’s Tongue Fern. 

 

6. Yangtze Finless Porpoise

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Yeah…we liked you better when you had fins.

 

7. Bluefin Tuna

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We’re going to have to ask you to leave. Sorry not sorry, tuna.

 

8. Hawaiian Coot

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Nuh-uh…No, thank you.

 

9. Paramecium Bursaria

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Fuck this guy.

 

10. Humans

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Do less.

ESF Student Teaches SU Student How To Climb Tree

Ever since he saw a Discovery Channel special on trees, freshman Dylan Koffman knew he would one day get to that high branch. Just last week, he got his wish.

Koffman knew from rumors going around Sadler Dining Hall that if there was one sure way to learn, it was to ask a student from the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry.

“I’d seen an ESF student before, and I’ve definitely smelled one, so it took me less than a week to find one,” he said.

At first, Koffman had trouble getting the male ESF student to cooperate. He kept shifting from one barefoot to the other until Koffman convinced him that he benches “over two hundie” and has done “at least 1000 pull-ups since coming to college.”

The ESF student promised he would teach Koffman proper technique, but only if he didn’t wear cologne, left his cell phone at home, and wore earth tones to find himself “one with the tree.” Although abashed at the thought, Koffman said that it was worth almost any price to do something so prehistoric.

The ESF student, referred to as “Sage,” brought Koffman into Oakwood Cemetery to one of the tallest trees.

“At first, it felt like a foreign language. But within an hour, I was standing on my first branch,” said Koffman.

By the time Koffman reached the top, he experienced such a strong sense of euphoria that he no longer needed instruction. It was nearing nightfall, he said, and the smog-filled orange and yellow sunset was one of the best he’d ever seen.

But by then the ESF-er was nowhere to be found. Koffman realized that he had never been instructed on how to get back down.

“Sadler was about to close so I ended up in that tree all night until some local Syracuse lady found me in the morning and called the cops,” said Koffman.

Koffman warns the rest of the Syracuse community to keep an eye out for the mysterious ESF student, and to call the Department of Public Safety if any one knows an ESF character whose name sounds remotely like “Sage.”

SA Proposes Asian Ban In Lieu Of Smoking Ban

Last night, the Syracuse University Student Association held an open debate on the proposal to ban being Asian on campus.

Supporters of the ban say it would not only lessen the smoking problem, but also end feelings of inadequacy held by many non-Asian students. A former SA official, who retired to spend more time with his calzones, presented a Prezi that showed how the ban would decrease statistics across the board, including smoking, soft giggling, and more importantly, grading curves.

“I just feel as if I can’t measure up academically, you know? I mean aren’t most of them robots?”  said racist junior chemistry major Scott Smith, who also asserted that he’s “totally not racist.”

Another point brought up by Asian-ban supporters was that everyone will seem cuter. In a graph that was devoid of Hello Kitty stickers, the former SA member showed a decrease in polka dots, hats shaped like furry animals, and tiny everything. “Uggs and yoga pants will be seen as adorable yet again!” said one member of the sorority Gamma Delta Upsilon, who also suffers from long-term memory loss.

When it came time for opponents to explain their position, cabinet member Chris Lee took the floor and uttered one sole statement: “You are all horrible people.”

It was agreed by all to be the most productive SA meeting of the semester.