Newhouse Alums Thrilled To Relive Glory Days of Filmmaking, Broadcasting, Complaining In

With Parent’s Weekend steadily approaching, the Syracuse University community is preparing itself for the mass influx of parents, alumni, and parents who are also alumni, including those from the esteemed S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications. The Kumquat caught up with members of the “Newhouse Mafia” to see what they were most excited about. 

“Some of my fondest memories of Newhouse occurred during those late night editing sessions at There’s nothing quite like sitting down with a group of like-minded young intellectuals and absolutely ripping shit on your TRF 205 professor.  Storyboarding, shooting, bitching about the faulty lighting kit you checked out from the Cage – I would give anything to go back.”

-Kathy Johansson, copy editor of her son’s Boy Scouts troop’s monthly newsletter

 “Every time I hear my daughter sigh exasperatedly about the whack audio she picked up on her shoots for her BDJ class, I’m instantly transported back in time. It’s like I never left.”  

-Dick Richards, used-car salesman

“During the phone call I have with my son once a semester, I always try to put in my two cents about how damn confusing the layout of Newhouse 2 is. But I think kids these days have moved on to more sophisticated ways of expressing themselves. They’ve got Twitter and the Facebook to channel their creativity now. Just yesterday I saw my son’s roommate use the hashtag #NewhouseProbs! Honestly couldn’t be more proud of these kids. They are the future of mass media.”

-Cheryl Williams, trophy wife

The Newhouse Alumni Network will host a brunch next Sunday morning in featuring Dinosaur BBQ, a slideshow of monumental Newhouse photographs from over the years, and ample time to whine about the horrible coffee they will most likely serve. 

Dean Branham Explains: Pulitzer-Prize Winning Photojournalist Actually A Loose Cannon Of Bodily Fluids

There has been much controversy over Newhouse dean Lorraine Branham’s decision to disinvite Michel du Cille, a Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist, from coming to Syracuse University. Ironically, he was coming to speak about his experience covering a public-health crisis in Liberia—until fears that there was a slim chance that maybe he might be carrying Ebola expressed by perhaps one student caused the University to change its mind.

Dean Branham has been criticized for this decision based on the fact that du Cille had been self-monitoring for symptoms and that the only way to contract the virus is through contact with blood, vomit, and feces.

But in an exclusive interview with The Kumquat, Dean Branham disclosed that while yes, Ebola is harder to contract than the common cold, her decision was specific to du Cille’s tendency to be a loose cannon of bodily fluids.

“He literally is a volcano of blood, spit, and vomit,” she said. “It doesn’t matter the time or the place, there is constantly something excreting from one of his orifices.”

Dean Branham also cited concerns about du Cille’s wet lisp, tendency to close-talk, and love of licking sick African children. Once at a dinner party in New York City, the three-time Pulitzer Prize winner cut his pinky off as a party trick, and then proceeded to use the blood to start an impromptu game of Pictionary.

“As dean of one of the top journalism schools in the country, I would usually never buy into such mass hysteria,” Branham said. “But the last time I was at a networking event with this guy, I witnessed him vomit blood into an open wound. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

Newhouse Student Sometimes Feels Bad About Himself, Then Remembers He Is In Newhouse

Like many students, sophomore advertising major Matthew Bell sometimes feels sad.

“It’s just this weird unhappiness I can’t explain,” Bell said. “Sometimes I’ll wake up and have a good day. Other times I’ll wake up and have a not-so-good day.”

On these “not-so-good days,” as Bell described them, he sometimes questions his self-worth, is unsure about the future, and spends hours wondering if his cardigan accurately expresses his personality.

“It’s just like, ‘Who am I?’ you know?” Bell said.

But Bell, who has been struggling with these kinds of mood swings since he could process human emotions, said he recently discovered a remedy. Whenever he feels sad, he remembers that he was accepted into the S.I . Newhouse School of Public Communications.

“All those feelings of mild self-hate just instantly disappear.” he said. “That one single thought is powerful enough to push all the negative ones away.”

Remembering you are in Newhouse is an effective and safe way to avoid feelings of sadness, said school psychologist Dr. Tracy Goldburg. “Instead of thoughtfully or productively thinking about who you are, remembering that you are in Newhouse skips that potentially painful process,” she said.

Other helpful tips Goldburg recommends include: hanging your Newhouse acceptance letter on your fridge, deep breathing exercises (deep breath in, and upon release whisper: “Conde Nast”), and complaining about “#newhouseprobs” on social media outlets.

“But remember,” Goldburg said, “A Newhouse problem is only an actual problem if you’re not in Newhouse.”

Newhouse Student Heartbroken After Petition To Add “Social Media” Major Fails to Receive Signatures

Undecided Newhouse sophomore Brianna Dow was heartbroken after a petition to make social media a major in Newhouse failed to receive enough signatures.

Though Dow sat in for three days tweeting at fellow Newhouse students and alumni from her professional Twitter, the petition acquired only two signatures.  The legitimacy of even those two signatures was called into question when it was discovered that the names signed were “Betta Thanartsandsciences” and “SI Newhouse.”

“I just don’t get it,” Dow said. “Social media is the medium of the future. Blog posts are the new novels and tweets are the new blog posts. Real art is short and raw. By 2020 the Oscars will be entirely composed of Vines. The Metropolitan will be an assortment of the finest Instagrams. After all, the right filter can move an audience to tears.”

After the failure of his petition, Dow is still working to make her dream a reality. She recently reached out to the iSchool, but upon finding out that the information technology school was in fact its own school and not a cute Apple sponsored branch of Newhouse, decided to become a self-made professional tweeter.

“If we don’t change with the times, we will be stuck in the times.” Dow said. “And not the New York Times either.”

Dow can be found at every Newhouse event tweeting deep, unique reflections about speakers.