An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article.

This article already has a lot of buzz. A social media campaign that was started seconds ago has already racked up three views. Although the article has a lot of Syracuse University specific references, like to Syracuse University’s funniest humor group (their words, not mine), it’s still sure to be relatable to students at all universities, because it’s just so damn funny.

It would be impossible for me to give anything away because I haven’t actually read it myself, but you will be laughing the entire time you read this article. Read the article below and let us know what you think in the comments.

Sorry for the upload issues, I had some technical problems uploading the article. Here it is for real now.

Elmira Cuttinggrass is This Year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive!

Just after ordering her daily morning beverage of hot melted ice with lemon seeds at Café Kubal, Elmira Cuttinggrass was informed that she was to be presented with a prestigious honor – this year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive.

“I had heard that I was under consideration, but really this is such a surprise!” the 28-year old mother of two lizards says.

Although she had been a TA for nearly three years, she was more than happy to accept the award for what she feels is an under appreciated art form.

“Being a TA is hard work. You’re basically standing in a lecture hall full of 200 students trying to validate the bat-shit crazy professor. At the same time, students look to you for a sense of normalcy, like everything is going to be ok. You’re literally playing for both sides. It’s like if Batman teamed up with Joker and was like ‘its ok I’m still here for you guys!’”

As a TA, Cuttinggrass has seen many things, but her years of experience have given her the cool composure that’s required for such a task

“One time, a professor threw a globe at a kid’s face. What am I suppose to say after that, ‘The notes will be posted on Blackboard’?”

Cuttinggrass was ultimately chosen from Student Association’s carefully selected pool of the five most mild-mannered Teaching Assistants on campus. There were many things that made Cuttinggrass such a tolerable standout: she only emailed her students once that she was changing office hour times, she gave 14 answers out of the 95 study guide questions, and she didn’t look students in the eye when they saw her in the line at Varsity.

“If I could say one last thing, I would like to thank both my lizards, for keeping me company when I had to read professor’s 12-paragraph-long email on how exams should be stapled. Also Dan Peets from the ETS department can eat my shorts”