5 Similarities Between Participating in Bid Day and Using a Bidet

It is a day you will never forget. One filled with nerves, surprise, and, ultimately, a whole lot of joy and excitement for a future of possibilities. Yes, it is the first time you use a bidet. Or it’s that very special day you receive a Bid from a sorority and run to their lawn to be united with your sisters and future bridesmaids! Either way it’s the first day of the rest of your life. Here are the ways Bid Day and bidets are more alike than you think.

1. No Wasteful Toilet Paper

After taking an 100 level Geography class, I hate being wasteful about anything. Bidets leave you fresh and clean with no needed assistance from toilet paper. And, thankfully, most fraternities and sororities have given up the tradition of wrapping your face in toilet paper and drawing penises on them.

2. There’s A Whole Lotta Screamin’!

I won’t give away any Bid Day secrets, but if you want to join any of the groovy frats or sorors, be prepared to bust a lung. However, I will tell you the story of the first time I used a bidet. I pooped, hit the button, and screamed as a desire awakened in me that I never knew was there.

3. Typically White

Most porcelain toilets are made white so the person using it after you has visual proof that you haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week. Bidets are the same, just with a video-recording water sprayer hiding at the bottom. Looking into the sea of your new sisters – or brothers – is kinda reminiscent of staring at the blinding porcelain of a bidet. So very white!

4. Syracuse Weather Makes It A Strictly Indoors Experience

There’s nothing like dropping a deuce in the great outdoors and spraying a water gun up in your asshole. There’s also nothing like receiving your bid (or learning you’ve gotten rejected from every single house) while in the public eye. Snow ruins everything.

5. Either Way, Your Butthole Is Getting Wet

This is the essence of both Bid Day and bidets: the sensation of water jetting between your outstretched cheeks then learning whether or not you’ll have friends for the next few years. On second thought, toilet paper might be necessary.

Female Pledge Receives Insomnia, Balloons, and Mummified Heart Of Founding Sister

hree surprises greeted Alpha Xi Delta pledge Amy Stevens when she returned to her dorm room Wednesday night: a dozen of her favorite cookies, balloons in all of her favorite colors, and the mummified heart of one of the founding sisters.

Stevens immediately Instagrammed, Facebooked and Snapchatted the collection of gifts with the caption: “Best Big ever! #literallylovemybig.” She was most surprised to find the box of double chocolate chip cookies.

“I never told anyone what my favorite kind of cookie is!” she squealed, jumping up and down with excitement. “I can’t believe my Big knew! I am literally the luckiest Little in the entire world. I don’t know who my Big is but I already love her so much!”

While refreshing Facebook to check how many “likes” the picture had received, a teary-eyed Stevens told The Kumquat, “It is literally such an honor to have received the heart of Mary Lou Thompson. I know how important this is to the sisterhood. It’s just as important to me. I’ve felt a powerful connection to her corpse ever since they took us through the Vaults of Sisterhood on House Tour day.”

When asked about the future of the heart, Stevens said, “I literally cannot wait to pass on the heart of Mary Lou to my own little and keep this tradition alive. I can only dream that one day I will be important enough to have a part of me mummified and passed on for generations.”

For now, the heart will sit on her dresser, next to a paddle she decorated with her own blood.