Dear Syracuse University students, staff, faculty, alumni, and Otto:
It has come to our attention that although the sit-in has ceased, THE General Body still plans to move forward with its agenda, pushing diversity and transparency on campus. After an intimidating and unruly 11 day sit-in, which included snacks, sing-alongs, and communist messages of “democracy,” we are unsure of their next move. Will they egg the Chancellor’s home? Light the Orange Grove on fire? Block the entrance to Chipotle? It’s impossible to tell how far this group is willing to go to obtain its goal.
And what more could they want? The Chancellor already said he would maybe, kind-of address the group’s grievances, and some grievances have already been kind of, sort of addressed.
Then, it became clear. THE General Body was talking to us. This was never about the Advocacy Center or Posse. It was about The Kumquat, Syracuse University’s number one source for news.
We’ve taken your subtle clues, THE General Body, and we know what you really want. But unlike the administration, we’re prepared to give it to you.
Here are all the usernames and passwords for The Kumquat’s accounts:
Google drive: firstname.lastname@example.org pw: SamuelNewhouseTits
Twitter: @SUKumquat pw: FoxNews4eva
Youtube: sukumquat pw: SyverudsOrangeFriends
Within these accounts, you’ll find news tips, secret interviews with members of the administration, a complete list of every female at Syracuse University ranked by hotness, a picture of each Kumquat writer’s asshole, and a breakdown of everything Syracuse University has ever spent money on since 1867. We hope this will leave you satisfied, THE General Body, knowing that The Kumquat is completely committed to total transparency.*
You’re welcome and God bless,
The Kumquat Team
*All passwords will change at 11:55:59 on 12/1/14, and will change every 24-hours after that. Do not contact us about these passwords again. Also, don’t ask us about our missing freshman writer. We are doing everything in our power to locate him. The Kumquat appreciates your discretion and patience during this difficult time.