On her way to relieve herself in her sorority house during pledging this past Tuesday, freshman Donna Brady accidentally stumbled upon something she was never meant to see. Behind the door she assumed was that of the house’s first floor bathroom, she witnessed a secret house ritual that has never before been observed by a new member. In our most recent message from Brady, she claims: “It will haunt me for the rest of my life.”
Brady recounts that in the dim light of the room, she could just barely make out the silhouettes of six of the sorority’s sisters. They floated in a tank of what looked like battery fluid, with strange wires plugged into the bases of their necks and frozen smiles on their faces. Brady, paralyzed with fear, remained in the room for only a few seconds before she was struck in the jugular vein with a tranquilizer dart shot from an unknown location.
According to Brady, when she awoke she found herself inside a small capsule on the surface of a foreign planet. After tinkering with the capsule’s communication technology, she was able to find a means of communicating in Morse code to relay her story to the Kumquat. “It may seem like I’ve been out here for only a few days, but gravity is different on this planet. Time moves quickly—while you’ve all been eating breakfast this morning, I have aged 56 years,” our last message reports. “This planet is sparse, but I’ve been able to survive. Despite the suffocating isolation, I still cling to the shred of hope that one day I may be retrieved from this planet and delivered back to the home I once knew.”
When the sorority in question was asked to comment on the situation, a source who has asked to remain anonymous left us with only this: “Brady knew too much, too soon. She had to be silenced.” As of today we have heard nothing from Brady. Our team of astrophysicists estimates that if she were still alive, she would be over 180 years old.