New Study: SU Females Mysteriously Stand Cold Temperatures

SYRACUSE — A recent study has revealed a population of Syracuse University females have developed an adaptation technique allowing them to congregate in low temperatures without processing it’s fucking freezing outside.

Dr. Charles Marlow, who spearheaded the study, said the most curious aspect was not the adaptation itself, but precisely when it occurs. The subjects would cover up with items such as jackets, hats, and gloves Sunday to Wednesday. But Thursday to Sunday night, their behavior would change completely.

“They weren’t possibly wearing enough clothes to feel comfortable in that temperature,” he said. “But it was like they didn’t even notice.”

Melissa Cliton, an assistant in the study, helped Marlow take observations one night on Marhsall Street. She said that seeing the adaptation unfold before her eyes was shocking.

“This isn’t the first city where I’ve seen girls wear provocative clothing on the streets,” she said. “But those girls were prostitutes, and even they wore jackets.”

Although Marlow and his team don’t know what initially caused the adaptation, they are in the process of testing some theories. One possible explanation is that sequined miniskirts radiate heat. Another is that they are kept warm from many layers of foundation.

“Whatever the cause is,” Marlow said, “we won’t stop until we’ve found it. But if we can, we might be able to use its opposite to stop global warming.”