SYRACUSE, N.Y. --- In an increasingly polarized era of partisan politics and “hot takes,” the Syracuse University student paper The Daily Orange has made a nasty habit of publishing literally any shitty opinion that they can coax out of a sophomore Political Science minor or RA in Day Hall. Perhaps the Trump era has appealed to these student journalists’ deepest narcissism and has emboldened them to believe they are an institution upon which our democracy is built. Perhaps the editorial board is mostly comprised of shitty white people who feel like their opinions are suddenly valid because of their ability to publish printed type. Perhaps all their writers are robots and their humanity software has a few glitches in it.
Whatever the case may be, the Syracuse University student body is beginning to lose itself in a crowded mess of neoliberal bullshit and apologetically conservative columns about the Theta Tau incident. It is on this basis that I assert: The Daily Orange should publish this opinion editorial.
If you’re reading this passage via the Syracuse University Kumquat -- the number one satirical media outlet in our modern western civilization -- that means The Daily Orange is currently weighing the decision of whether to publish this piece. It also means you consume your news from the handsomest and most accurate newsroom in the country. If The Daily Orange decides to publish this, you’ll go pick up the first and only copy of the paper that you ever have or ever will, and you’ll throw away everything but this Op-Ed and that photo of Dino Babers (which you’ll cut out and add to your Shrine-o-Babers).
If you’re reading this passage via The Daily Orange, this irrelevant and unworthy “media” outlet has made its first good decision since deciding they would stop printing a Tuesday edition of the paper. I also have sincere questions for you about the reason you decided to pick up this print newspaper (unless it was specifically to obtain concrete record of this editorial and to cut-out that two page spread of the walking wet dream that coaches our football team).
No matter how you consume this rock-solid opinion piece with no flaws, I hope it inspires you to utilize the free press to widely circulate your own claims and opinions. It is truly one of the the most cathartic and most accessible ways to exercise your civil liberties, and Syracuse University is the perfect place to guarantee that someone will be around to listen. Let loose! Send your closely-held yet widely unpopular opinions to The Daily Orange. If you’re as gifted and talented of a writer as I am, they may even publish it!
Baker Mornings, B.S Candidate
Triple Major - Newspaper/Online Journalism, Sociology, and Civic Engagement
Chairman - Advisory Committee On Advice To Advise Administration
Ottotunes - Second Baritone