Dear Brad, it’s never easy to say goodbye. But as painful as it is to say, you’ve given us no other choice. We respect you enough to try to say this to your face, but the truth is none of us have your contact information so unfortunately this is how it has to be.
No more beating around the bush, it’s time to just say it. Brad, you’re out of The Kumquat. Simply put, you’re just the wrong person to represent our brand. To be totally honest, the a cappella vines you make are worrying. At first we though they were ironic, but now we’re not so sure.
Regretfully, this isn’t your only offense. Your work ethic is – how do we put it – very bad. We’re not even really sure what you contributed in the first place. You may have been accepted as a fluke. Sorry.
Please, do not try to contact us. We don’t think we ever gave you our contact info, but just in case we slipped up we’d just really appreciate it if you didn’t try to talk to us. If you see us around campus, respect our space. A clean break is what’s best for everyone involved. We wish you best in all your future endeavors, and by wish you the best, we mean we wish you the worst.