Sophomore Male Jumped By Group Of Girls After Genuinely Commenting On “Nice View”

On Monday at 6:45 p.m., on the corner of University and Irving Avenue, three junior females attacked sophomore Keith Schaffer after he made a comment in genuine appreciation of the sunset over Crouse College. Allegedly, the attack was provoked after the females in question overheard Schaffer mumble, “Nice view” in regards to the soft golds and magentas that painted the Syracuse sky that evening.

“It all happened so fast,” said Schaffer when reached for comment at Upstate Hospital. “One second I was contemplating the beautifully subtle nature of clouds, and the next I was facedown in the pavement, being called a disgusting pig and misogynistic asshole. I hadn’t even noticed them walking in front of me–I was way too wrapped up in the way the sky and the earth gently kissed at the horizon line. “

Schaffer is expected to make a full recovery from the injuries he sustained that evening. At present time, the accused females are still at large. They were last seen wearing yoga pants. DPS urges every student to consider the sensitivities of every single person before verbalizes any of his or her thoughts.