Dear Orange Friends:
Alright, everyone. You’ve got me.
After a pretty heavy string of student protests and demands, it’s finally time. I was going to wait until Christmas, but the guy who briefed me about the last Listening Meeting said you all were serious this time. And all those people sleeping outside my office? Yeah, I don’t want to deal with that. You all have been up in arms about a few things lately, and I get it. These are complex and multifaceted times.
So tonight at around 9:00 P.M., after dinner I think, I’ll finally get around to pressing that big red button in my office that will instantly solve everyone’s complex and multifaceted issues.
That’s right, I have a big red button in my office just waiting to be pressed, and once I lay a finger on it all of your dreams will come true. Yes, all it takes is a single pound of force and that’s it. Poof! All of our problems will be gone.
This will be much easier for me—I won’t have to reflect upon my less than ideal communication choices and can go back to composing emails about fall foliage and those cuties in Otto Tunes until you all finally love me.
This will be easier for you—you can go back to complaining about your parties being shut down. I liked that better.
I should have been more clear with you, my Orange Friends. I could have saved you a lot of time sitting outside of my office, and myself a lot of effort in my evasive nature if you had only known about that big red magical button I have in my office.
After pushing the button, which will magically solve the extensive menu of complex social issues we’ve all been mulling over, there will be a rally in my honor, tomorrow, on the steps of Hendricks Chapel. Be there and show your support. I’ve already made a sign:
Chancellor Kent Syverud