In light of recent robberies, including a mugging at noon, the Department of Public Safety has given The Kumquat exclusive access to an updated list of safety procedures advised to every student.
FOR YOUR SAFETY, PLEASE REMEMBER:
1. Don’t leave your house. Watch from your window as larger, more intimidating students roam freely. This is your life now.
2. If you have to leave your house, use the following precautions:
• Walk in groups of 50 people or more, and make sure each of your human shields friends are equipped with necessary padding to absorb the blow of anything you might push them in front of
• Enroll in the University’s pricey self-defense courses—you can’t put a price on the lack of lacerations of your vital organs.
• Run. Just run the whole way.
3. Before you leave your house, make sure to call your mom and tell her that you love her, as it may be your last chance.
4. Try not to venture out during hours where criminals are most likely to attack. Times such as midday, late afternoon, and just before your post-lunch Chipotle are prime striking hours.
5. Don’t get close to strangers. That guy in your psychology class you were thinking of asking to hang out? Wrong move. Emotional bonds are just as dangerous. Remove yourself entirely from the dating pool.
6. Ladies—forget any advice you’ve received about “covering up.” It doesn’t matter how little you wear but how much is in your oversized Coach purse. You can sell a stolen iphone, but not a stolen virginity.
7. If you are approached by a stranger, and cannot run, you must hit them in the head, preferably puncturing their brain. Only this can stop them. Do not let them bite you or you may turn into a Townie.
Just remember! There is absolutely nothing you or anyone else can do to protect yourself from these random acts of violence. What about the people who are paid and trained to protect you? Well, they can’t do anything either.
Your quick reporting may help prevent others from becoming victims.