Celebrate Good Times, Come On!: Student Association Candidates Expecting A Whopping 5.1% Voter Turnout This Year

It’s that time of year again: Student Association elections are upon us. Members of SA--or other interested applicants--spend hours painstakingly crafting their platforms, forming a campaign team, participating in debates, and speaking to students. And that dedication is not going unrewarded--SA has a predicted voter turnout of a whopping 5.1% this year!


“Yeah, we crunched the numbers, and it’s true--we’re predicting better turnout than the measly 4.9% last year,” said Student Association member Jackie Lowe. “That’s an extra THIRTY votes--from 747 to 777 this year out of 15,000. We’re pretty ecstatic.”


Student Association members had methods to increase voter turnout. SA members plan on hosting “Drunk MySlice Night,” where members of the student body get hammered and complete every single form on their MySlice, including their SA ballot. They also plan on compiling a list of every person who merely knows a member of SA and stealing their things, promising return once the ol’ ballot is handed in. With these intricate strategies, SA hopes to put their plan to increase turnout by 0.2% comes to fruition.


“We hope that these strategies really bring people out to vote for our campaign,” said one of the presidential candidates, whose name The Kumquat forgot and can’t really be bothered to look up. “We think it’ll push us over the edge!”


When asked for comments on their view of the election, Brayden Tanner of Theta Chi told us “I don’t give a shit about SA” and “it’s really weird of you to ask for interview requests at the door. Also, you don’t know anyone here and guys aren’t allowed so we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”


Said Stephanie Brown of Gamma Phi Beta, “Honestly, I’ll probably just vote for whoever bothers to show up to our house.”


With such overwhelming support, The Kumquat looks forward to a thriving election season. Happy voting!

Here’s What Females Actually Get Wrong About So-Called “Mansplaining”

Opinion by Manly F Haus: About the author ~ Manly F. Haus is the pseudonym under which marginalized male voices at Syracuse University can write anonymous opinion editorials without facing backlash or accountability from their peers.

Okay females, this one's for you! I’ve been seeing a lot of online buzz recently about a perceived phenomenon of “mansplaining.” This is actually very ironic, because anyone who claims it exists is actually basically “womansplaining.” Let that sink in.

Although I totally PWNED you females in that first graph (editor talk for paragraph), I am going to really dig deep into the nuance of my argument. I don’t believe anyone is as smart as I am when it comes to this topic because I bring the unique perspective of being a MALE internet user in the era of so-called “mansplaining.” This makes me an expert.

Ladies: I am pursuing a degree in communications. Trust me here. Would I have been able to gain admission to the SI Newhouse School of Public Communications if I was just any white man from the American Northeast? No! I had to demonstrate expertise! So believe me when I say that I have a lot of ground to stand on when I make this argument.

As someone who has been on Twitter, Reddit, 4Chan, and Facebook for a cumulative total of over 30 years, I have the type of ageless wisdom that is lauded in the nation’s most elite circles. There’s not a chance I’m wrong here. Everything I say is fucking brilliant, and this is not an exception. Females, you have to believe me here! Mansplaining doesn’t exist.

Still not convinced, girls? Well, like any good debates-man, I’ve saved my strongest argument for last! It’s a hypothetical situation, so just try to even wrap your brain around this one. I have a minor in philosophy, so keep that in mind. It goes like this: imagine a very smart woman and a very smart man having an intellectual discussion. They are both very smart, and they both bring something to the conversation… Now imagine that hypothetical place and time is HERE and NOW! Women are equal to men. So if mansplaining exists, it’s only because womansplaining existed! Checkmate gals. Until next time ;)

Manly F Haus


Op-Ed: The Daily Orange Should Publish This Op-Ed

SYRACUSE, N.Y. --- In an increasingly polarized era of partisan politics and “hot takes,” the Syracuse University student paper The Daily Orange has made a nasty habit of publishing literally any shitty opinion that they can coax out of a sophomore Political Science minor or RA in Day Hall. Perhaps the Trump era has appealed to these student journalists’ deepest narcissism and has emboldened them to believe they are an institution upon which our democracy is built. Perhaps the editorial board is mostly comprised of shitty white people who feel like their opinions are suddenly valid because of their ability to publish printed type. Perhaps all their writers are robots and their humanity software has a few glitches in it.


Whatever the case may be, the Syracuse University student body is beginning to lose itself in a crowded mess of neoliberal bullshit and apologetically conservative columns about the Theta Tau incident. It is on this basis that I assert: The Daily Orange should publish this opinion editorial.


If you’re reading this passage via the Syracuse University Kumquat -- the number one satirical media outlet in our modern western civilization -- that means The Daily Orange is currently weighing the decision of whether to publish this piece. It also means you consume your news from the handsomest and most accurate newsroom in the country. If The Daily Orange decides to publish this, you’ll go pick up the first and only copy of the paper that you ever have or ever will, and you’ll throw away everything but this Op-Ed and that photo of Dino Babers (which you’ll cut out and add to your Shrine-o-Babers).


If you’re reading this passage via The Daily Orange, this irrelevant and unworthy “media” outlet has made its first good decision since deciding they would stop printing a Tuesday edition of the paper. I also have sincere questions for you about the reason you decided to pick up this print newspaper (unless it was specifically to obtain concrete record of this editorial and to cut-out that two page spread of the walking wet dream that coaches our football team).


No matter how you consume this rock-solid opinion piece with no flaws, I hope it inspires you to utilize the free press to widely circulate your own claims and opinions. It is truly one of the the most cathartic and most accessible ways to exercise your civil liberties, and Syracuse University is the perfect place to guarantee that someone will be around to listen. Let loose! Send your closely-held yet widely unpopular opinions to The Daily Orange. If you’re as gifted and talented of a writer as I am, they may even publish it!


Baker Mornings, B.S Candidate

Triple Major - Newspaper/Online Journalism, Sociology, and Civic Engagement

Chairman - Advisory Committee On Advice To Advise Administration

Ottotunes - Second Baritone


Three Strikes And You’re Out: Here’s Why I’m No Longer Welcome In The Eggers Cafe

It’s been a long time coming and it’s finally here - I am no longer welcome in the Eggers Cafe. My various offenses against good taste and the workers of Eggers Cafe have finally caught up with me. There are too many to list, so here are the top three strikes against me in the Eggers Cafe.


1. Arguing with the manager

This one, I can see. I mean, the Mac & Cheese, while it is priced and sold like a soup, could conceivably be considered not a soup. However, I’m not one to go down without a fight, so I brought the manager out to prove my point. Turns out he didn’t have any patience for my shenanigans. Ouch. Strike one.


2. Being Cute

Yes, I have long eyelashes and adorable chubby cheeks. However, this worked to my detriment as I was informed that I could not, in fact, be this cute and remain in Eggers Cafe. I put on my best pout, made my lips come together like a fish, and crossed my arms, and said, “Pwease Mistwah Manyagew, I'm too cute to eat at Schinye, onwy Food Sewvices peopwe and senyiows with five capstonyes eat thewe uwu.” I was thrown out summarily.


3. Throwing a Dayger

As soon as I dropped my carton of Keystone Light in the middle of Eggers Cafe, I knew it would be over for good. Yet, as “Freaky Friday” came on, everyone in Eggers came together in a beautiful moment of solidarity, an unabashed “screw you” to the system, and they all began to beat me up in front of a DPS officer. Then the DPS officer joined in and that right there is why I can never return to the Eggers Cafe.

“I Very Clearly Don’t Want To Be Here Or Give A Shit At All”-- Tales From The Women Of Schine’s Dunkin Donuts

In an exclusive interview for The Kumquat, four powerful business women sat down and shared their stories of service and deliverance. Although the women come from all walks of life, they have one thing in common: they all work at the Schine Dunkin Donuts and clearly don’t want to be there or give a shit at all. The following is an unedited transcription of our raw, emotional interview.



Kum: Thank you all very much for being here today.


At this point, all of the women stared at me blankly.


Kum: I would love to start by asking about how you all met. Was this sisterhood always so strong? Or did your bond develop over time?


DD1: Well the main thing that made us so close from the very beginning was our absolute disdain for the members of the Syracuse University community.


DD2: Hate all those fuckers.


DD1: Specifically it’s the undergraduate students. But also the graduate students, the faculty and staff, and any visiting students or families from anywhere at all. As a team, we often project our disdain onto them with our lack of work ethic.


DD3: Funny story! The first shift we all worked together, we all completely ignored the only customer in line.


DD4: Me and [DD1] both stared right at him and said absolutely nothing.


DD2:  And from there we all kinda looked at each other and we knew… we’re gonna do that everyday!


DD4: Absolutely none of us wanted to be there or gave even a little bit of a shit about the job we did. And it’s still true today.


Kum: That’s really amazing. Now, if I could hone in on that a little bit here--I wanted to get to the customer experience. Could you each recall some other moments on the job where you demonstrated directly to customers that you don’t give a shit in the slightest?


DD2: Honestly it’s everyday.


DD3: Everyday.


DD1: Everytime I greet a customer, I look right into their eyes and assess the character of their soul. If I don’t like the vibe I get, I won’t fill up their coffee all the way or stir it even a little.


KUM: And how often would you say that you do that?


DD1: It’s been all of the customers so far.


KUM: Fascinating. Do each of you practice this sort of discretionary customer service--deciding when and for whom to properly carry out your job?

All of the women nodded.


DD2: I’m gonna be honest, I spit in just about every breakfast sandwich I serve. I just can’t really stop myself from gathering up a big ol’ loogie and slapping it on a rich white boy’s croissantwich.  


DD4: I do the same thing.


KUM: An amazing act of defiance against the bourgeoisie! I’m gonna segue here...shift gears a little...I gotta ask something all of our readers have been dying to know. Do you realize that a large population of the community steal from your Dunkin?


DD3: Oh yeah it’s super easy.


DD2: We all do too.


KUM: Astounding. What would you say emboldens the customers to regularly avoid paying?


DD1: Well we don’t give a shit or want to be there at all.


DD4: That’s very true. Same with the cashiers.


DD3: Candidly, our presence earns us a fixed wage by the hour. We are simply cogs in a capital machine. For this reason, we opt to put forward the bare minimum amount of effort required to serve the murky sludge that “academics” find to be reminiscent of the flavor of coffee.


DD4: It’s true. The four of us, like the cashiers, cooks, and even the students and staff we serve, are all pawns of the larger institution that values the US dollar more than the well being and success of its at-large community.


DD1: Exactly. We also understand that the product we serve is a drug of choice for the community, and the demand for sugar and for caffeine will never decline as long as the institution continues to systematically exhaust its students physically and emotionally. It’s a coping mechanism available on a regular basis at Syracuse, unlike counseling services or healthy dialogue.


DD2: A girl tried to order a “venti” drink from me the other day and I slapped her across the face.


KUM: Hilarious! You women are so kooky!


The women sat quietly for about thirty seconds and then made their way to the refreshments table provided by The Kumquat. They filled their pockets with granola and left the room without saying goodbye or thank you.

How The DJ’s VIP Card Changed My Life: Customer Testimony

Freshman year can be scary; I think I know better than anyone.  Leaving my adorable little 10-bedroom house for a whole other part of New York might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sharing a bedroom AND a bathroom? I could barely even imagine it. I only knew roughly 12 other people from my social circle coming to Syracuse, and only 9 of us vacationed together in the Hamptons last summer. I felt pretty isolated. I was worried I wouldn’t make the kind of friends I’d always imagined having in college, the kind that end up in ImSchmacked videos. Guys who thought an obscure ‘80s basketball jersey was the same as having a personality. Girls who held each other’s hair back. Guys who knew almost all the words to “Gods Plan.” Girls who looked enough like twins to make it worthy of an Instagram caption. Guys who daged.

         That’s when I knew the DJ’s Black VIP Card was right for me.

I mean, EVERYONE goes to DJ’s. And when I say everyone, I don’t mean mostly everyone. I mean EVERYONE. It’s the SPOT. When I watched their ad on Facebook months before enrolling, it was clear to me this wasn’t any old basement bar that smelled like Red Bull, Feet and mango Juul pods. This bar would also accept my shitty Pennsylvania fake with my name spelled wrong.  When I realized all this, I didn’t even worry about the $800 fee. I immediately told my mother this card was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and also that if she didn’t buy it for me I would drive her BMW into the Hudson river, and guess what? She agreed.

How would I describe my customer experience with the DJ’s Black card? It’s a NEED. With my black card, I’m always a part of the “in crowd”: the name I like to use for the crowd of people waving their VIP cards at haggard bouncers shouting about getting in. With my Black card, if I complain loud enough that I have it, I’m always the first one in. Plus, I can get a spiked seltzer for just $3, and a regular seltzer for $4!

         And best of all, I’ve found my friends for life in the group of other freshman who decided to buy a VIP card. You know, the guys who make their Tinder profile pic them holding a red bull vodka pitcher. The guys who tell you they’re a legacy in DKE. The guys with an Astroworld T-shirts. Really just a lot of guys.

Well, thanks to my card, that legacy in DKE gave me a hickey during Mo Bamba. What will your DJs VIP car to for you?  

Xoxo,

Jessica Rubenstein

Syracuse University Class of 2022


An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article.

This article already has a lot of buzz. A social media campaign that was started seconds ago has already racked up three views. Although the article has a lot of Syracuse University specific references, like to Syracuse University’s funniest humor group (their words, not mine), it’s still sure to be relatable to students at all universities, because it’s just so damn funny.

It would be impossible for me to give anything away because I haven’t actually read it myself, but you will be laughing the entire time you read this article. Read the article below and let us know what you think in the comments.

http://sukumquat.com/a-college-drunking-parody-a-parody-of-college-drinking/

Sorry for the upload issues, I had some technical problems uploading the article. Here it is for real now.

SU Bus Driver Adds Dozens of Names to Enormous Shit List After Long Shift of Not Being Thanked

FAYETTEVILLE, NY – Returning home after a full 8-hour shift driving various routes to and from Syracuse University and South Campus, local bus driver Danika Walters took a few minutes to pen down several names of passengers who had neglected to thank her when exiting in her shitlist. “It’s one thing if they leave out the back, but if they walk directly by me and don’t thank me, that’s a one-way ticket to my everlasting judgment.” Said Walters, whose shitlist already spans the first 40 pages of a composite notebook. “It’s my handy little way of remembering who’s an ungrateful waste of space on this Earth and who’s a polite young adult.” At press time, Walters was seen jotting in her notebook after someone failed to hold a door open for her.

Uh Oh, Someone’s “Two Truths and a Lie” on the First Day of Recitation Got Way Too Real

The first PSY 205 recitation of the year started out harmlessly. Apart from the TA saying the word “chill” a few too many times, class was proceeding in a typically mundane manner. Things started going south when, instead of sharing the classic “major and a fun fact,” it was revealed that the students would be participating in a rousing game of “Two Truths and a Lie.”

The very first person to play, introduced only as “Emily,” was quite friendly before class and was the natural choice to lead off. Her first two statements went by without a hitch when she claimed to have two siblings and to have never left New York. But unexpectedly her eyes clouded slightly. And then she said it.

“My parents got divorced on my birthday.”

Every muscle in the room was immediately clenched and no one quite knew where to look. A smattering of nervous coughs and shifting chairs filled the otherwise looming silence while an exceptionally uncomfortable student tried to hold back an inappropriate laugh. After at least five empty seconds passed, the ever-hopeful TA meekly asked, “which one was the lie?”

“It was the sibling thing,” said Emily, before her expression got even darker. “I only used to have two siblings.”

The eyes of every student widened. Emily stared blankly at the linoleum floor. Eight more white-knuckle seconds of silence passed until a local hero spoke up with a “Welp, guess I’ll go next.” A few nervous jokes were made as the room made a silent pact to never speak about the moment again.

As of publication, it is unclear if “Emily” will be returning to this recitation but we will continue updating you with this breaking news as it unfolds.

New Uber Feature Exclusively For Sexually Rejected Freshmen Wondering Where They Went Wrong at 3am

As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest hours of the nights, a new Uber pool option will be offered exclusively to confused freshmen who failed to get their dick wet from that special someone. Now, freshmen can make it home safe and sound instead of pacing around Ackerman asking themselves if Rachel was really down.

The feature works through multiple phases using never before seen technology. Since phone numbers are already synced to your account, the app quickly searches your phone for any texts or audible phrases in your convo that seem like its about to be a bust. It looks out for phrases like: “Yo whatcha up to?” and “Need some company?” and immediately sends a driver over to anticipate the letdown far in advance.

Once safely in the car, the driver activates the questionnaire function on the app. Questions like: “Did you think that shirt would work?” and “You know your haircut doesn’t make a difference, right?”

These questions help the passenger reevaluate their night and prevent them from having another night of total failure. Once the trip has ended, the driver uses the apps star rating system to judge if the passenger was actually good-looking and deserving of a hookup. At five stars, the passenger is decent after three shots. At one star, the passenger is disgustingly unappealing.

This new Uber function has received rave reviews among users so far and has done much better than the competing app “Lyft Loser.” In the end, the new Uber feature will help thousands of freshman passengers sharing a ride in a Honda Civic slowly realize they’re just truly ugly inside and out.

5 Similarities Between Participating in Bid Day and Using a Bidet

It is a day you will never forget. One filled with nerves, surprise, and, ultimately, a whole lot of joy and excitement for a future of possibilities. Yes, it is the first time you use a bidet. Or it’s that very special day you receive a Bid from a sorority and run to their lawn to be united with your sisters and future bridesmaids! Either way it’s the first day of the rest of your life. Here are the ways Bid Day and bidets are more alike than you think.

1. No Wasteful Toilet Paper

After taking an 100 level Geography class, I hate being wasteful about anything. Bidets leave you fresh and clean with no needed assistance from toilet paper. And, thankfully, most fraternities and sororities have given up the tradition of wrapping your face in toilet paper and drawing penises on them.

2. There’s A Whole Lotta Screamin’!

I won’t give away any Bid Day secrets, but if you want to join any of the groovy frats or sorors, be prepared to bust a lung. However, I will tell you the story of the first time I used a bidet. I pooped, hit the button, and screamed as a desire awakened in me that I never knew was there.

3. Typically White

Most porcelain toilets are made white so the person using it after you has visual proof that you haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week. Bidets are the same, just with a video-recording water sprayer hiding at the bottom. Looking into the sea of your new sisters – or brothers – is kinda reminiscent of staring at the blinding porcelain of a bidet. So very white!

4. Syracuse Weather Makes It A Strictly Indoors Experience

There’s nothing like dropping a deuce in the great outdoors and spraying a water gun up in your asshole. There’s also nothing like receiving your bid (or learning you’ve gotten rejected from every single house) while in the public eye. Snow ruins everything.

5. Either Way, Your Butthole Is Getting Wet

This is the essence of both Bid Day and bidets: the sensation of water jetting between your outstretched cheeks then learning whether or not you’ll have friends for the next few years. On second thought, toilet paper might be necessary.

Elmira Cuttinggrass is This Year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive!

Just after ordering her daily morning beverage of hot melted ice with lemon seeds at Café Kubal, Elmira Cuttinggrass was informed that she was to be presented with a prestigious honor – this year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive.

“I had heard that I was under consideration, but really this is such a surprise!” the 28-year old mother of two lizards says.

Although she had been a TA for nearly three years, she was more than happy to accept the award for what she feels is an under appreciated art form.

“Being a TA is hard work. You’re basically standing in a lecture hall full of 200 students trying to validate the bat-shit crazy professor. At the same time, students look to you for a sense of normalcy, like everything is going to be ok. You’re literally playing for both sides. It’s like if Batman teamed up with Joker and was like ‘its ok I’m still here for you guys!’”

As a TA, Cuttinggrass has seen many things, but her years of experience have given her the cool composure that’s required for such a task

“One time, a professor threw a globe at a kid’s face. What am I suppose to say after that, ‘The notes will be posted on Blackboard’?”

Cuttinggrass was ultimately chosen from Student Association’s carefully selected pool of the five most mild-mannered Teaching Assistants on campus. There were many things that made Cuttinggrass such a tolerable standout: she only emailed her students once that she was changing office hour times, she gave 14 answers out of the 95 study guide questions, and she didn’t look students in the eye when they saw her in the line at Varsity.

“If I could say one last thing, I would like to thank both my lizards, for keeping me company when I had to read professor’s 12-paragraph-long email on how exams should be stapled. Also Dan Peets from the ETS department can eat my shorts”

Top 10 Beers Ranked by How Mean They Make My Stepdad

Bold. Brisk. Breathtaking. These words describe some of the tastiest beers in America. They also describe my stepdad’s unprovoked anger. With so many different beers on the market, it can be difficult to sort through all of the commercials, slogans, and logos to find the best one. But don’t worry, compiled here are the ultimate top 10 beers ranked by how mean they make my stepdad.

10. Yuengling

yuengling.png

 

Yuengling’s iconic American lager has a rich amber color with a medium-bodied taste of cluster and cascade hops. The creamy aroma contributes to the beer’s distinctive caramel maltiness with just a tinge of sweetness that leaves my stepdad walking to the nearest gas station for more. When I see a bunch of empty Yuengling cans on the front lawn, I know … I’m going to be sad tonight.

9. Rolling Rock

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There’s nothing like an ice-cold, crisp Rolling Rock on a hot day. It’s flavorful with a subtle bite. This perfect blend of pale barley malt, rice, and corn make for the worst combination of yelling, swearing, and falling over in the living room when my stepdad gets ahold of these bad boys. Every now and then, I’ll see my mom dump of few cans of Rolling Rock down the kitchen drain after my stepdad falls asleep.

8. Narragansett

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Few beers have the cult following of this earthy lager. Narragansett contains a strong flavor with a crisp aftertaste that will make you say, “Holy cow”. This is exactly what I said when my stepdad broke our entertainment center after the Jets lost in overtime. There really is no feeling quite like sitting back with a Narragansett and watching a television held up by an overturned laundry basket.

7. Coors Light

coorslight.png

 

Coors Light will always have a special place in my stepdad’s heart since it was the last beer he had before he went into cardiac arrest. The refreshing, steely taste is so thirst quenching that I watched my stepdad crack one open on the drive back from the hospital.

6. Miller High Life

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This bubbly, mildly fruity beer is the self-proclaimed “Champagne of Beers” and it’s perfect for almost any celebration. I assume this is why my stepdad drank a couple 40s of Miller High Life on his 5th anniversary while my mom cried in the bathroom. This is probably the most unpretentious beer on the market, and probably the reason why my mom and stepdad started spending their anniversaries at home in separate rooms.

5. Pabst Blue Ribbon

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Pabst Blue Ribbon (or PBR for short) is nothing but strong, smooth, and silky. The dry finish adds surprising dimension to the beer. I had to tell my mom I accidentally “fell” out of the second story window, but I’m pretty sure she knew the real culprit – the deliciousness of Pabst Blue Ribbon – and my stepdad’s perpetual tendency to use violence to express his emotions.

4. Heineken

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One time my stepdad traded his 2001 Chevy Aveo for a set of Ninja Stars. Even after he lost all of them, I had to get a ride from my neighbors to go to school every morning. Kids in my class started calling me “the hitchhiker” even though I asked them to stop. This beer is also good.

3. Budweiser

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Budweiser isn’t just a beer. It can also be a projectile if you walk in front of the TV while your stepdad is watching Smokey and the Bandit 2. America’s favorite husky and mellow beer really can pack a wallop.

2. Keystone

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Imagine this. You’re relaxing on a warm summer night. You crack open a lean Keystone Light. You say that your friend Mark is going to sleep in your stepson’s bedroom for just a few days while your stepson has to sleep in the attic next to the Christmas decorations. Mark is scary. After a week and a half, your stepson gets his room back and it’s filled with the smooth, elegant aroma of delightful Keystone Light. 

1. Natural Light

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Finally, the golden beer with tart undertones that gives you the courage to risk getting arrested in a Walmart for shoplifting. Natural Light is easy to drink and enjoy. Almost as easy as it was for my stepdad to slip two pounds of lamb chops, 5 AA batteries, and a Slim Jim into his Jets sweatshirt pocket I guess. When you want to slug the ultimate thirst-quencher, Natty Light is right there to say, “You aren’t my real son.”

Spooky! This Girl Sent Out A Cry For Help From Another Dimension

Warning! The following account is totally spine tingling! Syracuse University freshman Jenny found herself in a chilling situation when she accidentally performed the Elevator Ritual in Brewster hall while trying to visit friends. Once she found herself in a hellish parallel dimension she got on her laptop and sent out this cry for help that will give you the chills. You can read her message below. Stay spooktacular, Jenny!

 

Hi everybody. My name iS Jenny and I want to tell you my story.

Earlier Today, my friend Justin texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out and look over the Constitution. Like anybody Else would, I said yes. Justin liVes on the fourth floor. ImmEdiately after I made plans with Justin, ReBecca texted me asking if I wanted to hang oUt with her and whisper compliments to her plant so it would grow faster and into a beautiful flower. I didn’t want to diSappoint her, so I also said yes. Rebecca lives on the seCond floor. I didn’t know I was this popular, but then Lionel CALLED me, how progressive! I heard a few deep breaths into the phonEand three loud screeches, so I knew he wanted to hang too. He lives on the sixth floor.

I know this is crazy, but then My other friend on the second floor texted me, then a frIend on the tenth, and the fifth. I Was incredibly flustered with all these invites. I gOt in the elevator and didN’t let anybody else in because I had to deeply contemplate what I would do.

First, I pressed The fourth floor, and when it got there I panicked and hit the second floor. Then, I didn’t want to leave the elevator becauSe it was cozy, so I hit the sixth floor to maybe hang with Lionel. I felT a strange feeling about hanging with Lionel today when I reached the sixth floOr, so I hit the second floor, then the tenth floor, then the fifth floor.

I Planned on getting out on the fifth floor when my life changed forever. A young woman entered the elevator. She was dripping green blood. At this moment, I knew what Had happened.

I hAd accidentally performed the elevator ritual while I was just trying to visit some friends.

I was terrified of the woman and started shoUting to make her leave. Unfortunately, shouting the 15th ameNdment did not make her leave. It only made her angrier, which was not cool of her because that was a huge advancement in our country.

I had read about this ritual once, and I vaguely remembered I had to hit the first floor. I knew if the elevaTor ascended to the tenth floor, I will have entered the other world, which is another dimension.

As I went to go hIt the first floor, the young woman followed, giggling, and tried to hit the first floor before me, but I jumped forward and hit it first! We both chuckled at that sweet moment we shared. But then I remembered she was a demon so I stopped. The elevator asceNded to the tenth floor, so I knew the ritual was Going through.

As I was leaving to enter the tenth floor, aka a new dimension, I heard the young woman crying. I felt really bad leaving her. Even though she was a deMon, she seemed to be misunderstood and she must not have many friends. I took a vile of her green blood to always remember Her.

I entered the tenth floor and it was incredibly dark. Nobody was on the floor. I looked out the floor window and it lookEd apocalyptic, and I could only see a red glowing cross in the distance.

I pulled out my Laptop from my backpack and began typing this. The young woman from the elevator has tried FaceTiming me but it would be too Painful for me. The other world isn’t as bad as people say. But, if you guys REALLY want me back in the real world, just shoot me a message. I’d love to hear all about why you want me back. After I get your messages, I’ll make a decision.

Thanks guys!

Love you all, xoxo Jenny

5 Ironic Tee’s That Will Make Him Cum In His Pants The Minute He Sees You

It’s a fact that quirky humor is super sexy. But it’s also a fact that women have a hard time being funny. It’s just not something we were designed for, according to science. Luckily, there’s a quick fix for the humor-challenged ladies out there (which is all of us, am I right? LOL!) – Ironic t-shirts! Here’s a helpful list of tee’s that will quite literally make him cum in his pants the minute he sees you.

 

(http://www.snorgtees.com/t-shirts/count-dabula)

This shirt is a great – and super hot – way to let your man know that you keep up to date with pop culture references. He’s sure to know how hip and cool you are once he sees you in this shirt. If he doesn’t get a boner after seeing you in this he’s probably gay.

2. “You read my T-Shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day” from Think Geek ($19.99)

 

(http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/a69c/)

Not only will this shirt turn on that special guy in your life, but it will also communicate to him that you aren’t one of those overly chatty women who will bore him by speaking. Talking without explicit permission = major boner killer.

3. “If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes” from Snorgtees ($20)

dnahelicase.png

 

(http://www.snorgtees.com/t-shirts/funny-science/dna-helicase)

Not everyone will understand this shirt (nerd alert!), but the joke is that DNA helicase is an enzyme that unzips DNA during DNA replication, and that genes, biological units of inheritance, sounds like jeans, which is a type of pant people, like men, wear. As they say, smart is the new sexy. Love between two nerds has never been hotter.

4. “Exercise… bacon” from Redbubble (29.50)

exercisebacon.png

 

(http://www.redbubble.com/people/digerati/works/9833374-exercise-bacon?p=womens-fitted-scoop&style=womens-fitted-scoop&body_color=black&print_location=front)

This shirt is a great way to let a guy know you’re not like other girls. You don’t care about dieting, you love to eat! Such a cute and quirky trait.*

*For thin girls

5.  “My memes are ironic, my depression is chronic” from Redbubble ($29.50)

memesironic.png